Helping LDS Men Resolve Their Homosexual Problems A Guide for Family, Friends, and Church Leaders by Jason Park with a Foreword by A. Dean Byrd, Ph.D. CENTURY PUBLISHING SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH 2007 Helping LDS Men Resolve their Homosexual Problems: A Guide for Family, Friends, and Church Leaders Copyright © 1997, 2007 by Century Publishing Second Edition All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without permission in writing from the publisher, Century Publishing, P. O. Box 11307, Salt Lake City, UT 84147–0307. This work is not a publication of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The views expressed herein are the responsibility of the author and do not necessarily represent the position of the Church or of Century Publishing. ISBN-10: 0–941846–07–5 ISBN-13: 978–941846–07–3 Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 97–67740 Printed in the United States of America. To my wonderful wife who has stood by my side through it all To my therapist Dan who by the grace of God showed me the way out My thanks to Dr. A. Dean Byrd for his help in reviewing this book Contents Foreword .............................................1 Introduction ...........................................3 What Is Homosexuality? .................................5 Why Are Men Attracted to Other Men? ....................16 Can Homosexual Problems Be Resolved?...................31 How to Respond .......................................44 Agency, Freedom, and Responsibility ......................56 Life Choices..........................................60 Personal Plan of Action.................................65 Personal Study........................................72 Support Groups .......................................74 Therapy .............................................84 Behavior.............................................89 Self-Perception.......................................109 Masculinity .........................................111 Emotions ...........................................122 Relationships........................................126 Spirituality ..........................................141 Adversity...........................................154 Gay Identity and the Gay Rights Movement ................173 Testimonials.........................................187 Selected Readings ....................................216 Organizations........................................220 Notes ..............................................222 Index ..............................................238 Foreword Foreword by A. Dean Byrd, Ph.D. There are very few families in the Church or in society in general whose lives are not touched by homosexuality in some way. The AIDS crisis has catapulted the issues surrounding homosexuality to the forefront of American life. The plague of AIDS like none other in the United States continues to inflict suffering and death on young men, many of whom are involved in homosexual relationships. One estimate indicates that one third of men involved in homosexual relationships will be HIV-positive before age thirty! The eminent psychiatrist Dr. Charles Socarides, a personal friend and esteemed colleague, suggests providing treatment to those with homosexual struggles could reduce the rates of HIV infection. While this may sound like a politically incorrect idea, it is true. There is a great deal that can be done about unwanted homosexual attractions and much more that can be done about unwanted behaviors. The strident voices of the media provide little hope to those who struggle with homosexual difficulties. It’s voices like Jason Park’s that need to be heard. There is hope for individuals who struggle with homosexual difficulties and their families. With wonderful clarity, Jason provides a rich source of information and practical helps to families and friends. Armed with the best available from the scientific research, Jason uses the umbrella of the gospel as he reaches out to wounded individuals and wounded families. You see, Jason can offer something that many professionals like me cannot: his own experiences. Jason made the journey out of homosexuality. He came out of the “closet.” But unlike many others, his message was different. He did not come out of the closet to claim that he was “born homosexual.” Rather, he came out of the closet to declare that change is possible. Like the admonition of the Savior to those who would call themselves the recipients of God’s grace and like all true disciples, Jason has taken seriously the charge to “go and do likewise.” The pages of this book clearly reflect Jason’s desire to do so as he reaches 2 Helping LDS Men Resolve Their Homosexual Problems out to lift others. By the way, homosexuality is always a family struggle. To the families of those who struggle with homosexuality, I add my testimony to Jason’s. There is no struggle for which the atonement is not sufficient. Change from homosexuality is possible. I have witnessed such change in the lives of more than three hundred men. Dr. A. Dean Byrd Salt Lake City, Utah Introduction Introduction This book is written to the wives, parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, bishops, quorum leaders, and friends of men who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and want to follow Christ and resolve their homosexual feelings. Homosexual problems are very difficult to overcome and those who are the most successful are those who receive a lot of support from their family and friends. The fact that you are reading this book shows you care enough about your “friend” (husband, son, brother, father, or ward member) to find out what you can do to help him. You cannot solve his problems for him. He will have to do his own work, but your love and support can help. He should read the book Resolving Homosexual Problems: A Guide for LDS Men, which I have written as a companion to this book. That book contains specific information and practical suggestions for him that are not contained in this book. No matter how hard your friend may have tried in the past, he may have found only temporary success in getting rid of his unwanted feelings and thoughts. Further, he may be confused by the notion that homosexuality is inborn and unchangeable. If his past efforts have failed, and if it really is unchangeable, why try to overcome it? But he may also realize that he can’t embrace homosexuality and still enjoy the blessings of the gospel, families, and eternal life. There is an answer to this dilemma. This book presents an understanding of homosexuality in the gospel context and discusses how these personal problems can be resolved. There is hope. I know there are answers because I have gone through it myself. And for every person like me who has written a book, there are hundreds more who have gone through the same process and found the same success I have. And there are thousands more who have achieved some success. I write this book in behalf of those hundreds and thousands of people who have experienced real change in their lives. Although homosexuality has been around for centuries, the 4 Helping LDS Men Resolve Their Homosexual Problems psychological community is still plowing new ground with this issue, still looking for answers, while the pro-gay movement is trying to stop them. We in the Latter-day Saint community need to move forward. This book is an attempt to show how the psychological know-how can be applied in harmony with gospel truths to help LDS men. Some of the theories, approaches, and ideas may also be helpful to women who struggle with lesbianism and some may not. More research needs to be done on women’s issues to better determine causes and solutions. Throughout this book, I give examples of how people have dealt with particular issues. In all cases, these examples involve real people and real events, although many of the names have been changed to protect identities. And by the way, Jason Park is my pen name. Since I’ve left homosexuality behind, I would rather not expose myself or my family to publicity by using my real name. Chapter One What Is Homosexuality? This chapter defines homosexuality, including attractions, identity, and behavior. The chapter then presents Latter-day Saint doctrines concerning homosexuality, including the distinction between homosexual thoughts and behavior, and the importance of overcoming both. Finally, it offers correct information about homosexual problems. Description Homosexual problems include erotic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors directed toward the same gender. The psychological community uses the term homosexuality to refer to the entire complex that includes attractions, feelings, desires, sexual behavior, identity, and all its associated aspects, such as problems with masculinity, self- perception, emotional dependencies, and relationship issues. These problems should not be confused with a healthy emotional and social interest in persons of the same gender. Homoemotional and homosocial interests are healthy as long as they are not excessive and do not develop an erotic dimension. When same-gender interests are eroticized, they become homosexual. I use the term homosexual as an adjective to describe a person’s feelings, thoughts, or behavior, but not as a noun to describe the person. The terms gay (referring to men) and lesbian (referring to women) include not only personal feelings and behaviors, but also describe a political, cultural, and social identity. Homosexuality may include sexual feelings or attractions