Abstract ASHTON, KASEY. Self-Authoring Gender Outside the Binary: A Narrative Analysis of (Trans)gender Undergraduates. (Under the direction of Alyssa Rockenbach). This narrative inquiry explored how transgender college students construct, experience, and make meaning of gender. Gender is not constructed or understood in isolation; it is therefore essential to consider how personal cognition intersects with and is influenced by an internal sense of self and relationships with others when exploring how transgender college students understand gender. Self-authorship theory and queer theory were used in conjunction as theoretical lenses for understanding gender meaning-making. For the purposes of this research, constructing gender relates to the epistemological dimension (how do I know?) of meaning-making. Three primary research questions guided this study: 1) How do transgender college students construct and interpret gender? 2) How does a transgender college student’s internal sense of self inform gender construction? 3) How do relationships with others inform transgender college students’ construction of gender? A qualitative study using narrative inquiry methodology was conducted to explore how transgender college students in a southeastern large public institution make meaning of gender. In-depth interviews were the primary form of data collection and each was digitally recorded and transcribed for data analysis. Document analysis of a reflective prompt and campus documents were also a part of the data analysis. Emergent themes evolved from thematic coding. Three overarching themes emerged from the data analysis: power in self-definition, navigating gender roles, and negotiating connections. The emergent themes weave together as the participants self-author their gender. For the participants in this study, their gender identities are not static, but are continuously evolving as they age and navigate new life experiences. Self-authorship theory and queer theory were used in conjunction to analyze the deconstruction and reconstruction process of interpreting gender. The participants’ stories reveal that the gender meaning-making process is a constant cycle of breaking down external formulas, recognizing the shortcomings of universal truths and absolutes, cultivating personal values and beliefs, and redefining personal expressions of masculinity and femininity. The participants understanding of themselves and their gender identity becomes more complex over time, enabling them to deconstruct external formulas about gender and determine for themselves what to integrate into their lives. The participants’ experiences also reveal that, similar to gender identity, gender expression is fluid and changeable. In facing negative stereotypes, strict gender expectations, inadequate language for self-definition, and strained relationships, the students within this study all faced ‘catalytic’ moments that have added to their complexity of thinking and meaning-making processes. This study demonstrates that transgender college students have distinct gender identities and that a homogenous trans experience did not exist. The participants’ stories reveal that the gender meaning-making process involves breaking down gendered social norms and reconstruction. The participants daily take the disparate components of deconstructed gender messages and redefine and construct them into gender identities that are an accurate reflection of their inner self concepts. Pairing these two theories together expands both our understanding of how gender- diverse students interpret and experience gender, but also imbues subjective experiences into the abstract concepts of gender identity and expression. Self-Authoring Gender Outside the Binary: A Narrative Analysis of (Trans)gender Undergraduates by Kasey Ashton A dissertation submitted to the Graduate Faculty of North Carolina State University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Education Higher Education Administration Raleigh, North Carolina 2013 APPROVED BY: _______________________________ ______________________________ Alyssa Rockenbach, Ph.D. Joy Gayles, Ph.D. Committee Chair ________________________________ ________________________________ Tuere Bowles, Ph.D. Deborah Luckadoo, Ed.D. ii Dedication This dissertation is dedicated to the participants of this study. Thank you for trusting me with your stories. Without you, this study would not have been possible. iii Biography Kasey Ashton currently resides in Raleigh, NC and is the Assistant Director for the Women in Science and Engineering Living and Learning Village at North Carolina State University. She graduated from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill with a Bachelor of Arts in Recreation and Leisure Studies with a specialization in event programming. She began her student affairs career working as a Student Life Instructor at the North Carolina School of Science and Math in 2002 where she was a ‘dorm mom’ for 31 teenage women. In 2005, she continued her work in residential life and became a Residence Director at Meredith College. She greatly enjoyed working with college students and decided to pursue a Master’s degree in Higher Education Administration at North Carolina State University. She began her academic career at NC State in the fall of 2006 and graduated with her masters in the spring of 2008. Later that year, she began working towards her Doctorate of Education in Higher Education Administration. As she prepares to graduate, she hopes to continue to work with the WISE program and eventually become a director of a living learning village. iv Acknowledgements Writing a dissertation is a solitary experience in many ways. Over the last few years, I have often found myself tucked away in my office or apartment, manically typing away and muttering to myself about gender identities and queering social norms. I would not have survived this process without the help and support of so many different people. To Alyssa, thank you for being both my chair and my friend. Thank you for talking me down whenever my nerves took control and for always giving me feedback to help further my writing. To my committee, Dr. Tuere Bowles, Dr. Joy Gayles, and Dr. Deb Luckadoo, thank you for supporting me and encouraging me. Having such an amazing group of women cheering me on and challenging me to work my hardest has been phenomenal. There have been many times that I did not believe that I would get to this point, thank you to all of you for always believing that I would. Mums and Daddy, there really are no words that can express how thankful I am to have you in my life. Thank you for never doubting me, always encouraging me, and doing supply runs for me while I madly typed away. Thank you for listening to me talk out my thoughts, being my own personal thesaurus, and for letting me camp out in your living room with all my papers and books. You both are beyond amazing and I am proud to be able to call myself your daughter. I love you. To Dad, Lori, Chris, and Cerasela, thank you for always encouraging me and cheering me on. Knowing I had your support and love while on this crazy ride has been priceless. Thank you for understanding when I would become swamped and fall off the planet. I love all of you so much. v To Kathy, thank you for being the best boss ever! You are all that I could ever ask for and more in a mentor. Thank you for always being open to hearing me chatter my way through my dissertation related thoughts, for being able to calm and ease my fears, and for sharing crazy stories when I desperately needed to laugh. I am so happy to be your colleague and to work with you in our amazing village. To my Meg, thank you for always supporting me, listening to my fears, encouraging me, and never doubting my ability to one day actually finish. Thank you for all of the virtual bear hugs throughout the past five years and for being my safe space to vent my frustrations. Our never-ending stream of emails and text messages have kept me sane. I would be an absolute stressed out and anxious little person without you. LOVE! To all my friends who have stayed by my side and checked-in on me, thank you for understanding when I would disappear for long stretches of time. Knowing that you still love me and will be here for me when I finally emerge from my little dissertation bubble has meant the world to me. Sandra, Christina, Pieka, Heather, Mandy, Jordan, Stephanie, and Cherry, there are not enough words to describe how thankful I am for your encouragement and unshaking belief that I could successfully complete my dissertation. Sandra, you have always believed in my ability to finish, please know that I have complete faith in your ability to do so as well. One day we will both have our squashy hats! And finally, to Amanda, Dion, and Kerri, THANK YOU!!! Without you three women, without the Fab Four, I would absolutely not have gotten to this point. You have each kept me sane, cried with me, screamed in frustration with me, and hugged me with enough fierceness to keep me grounded. Thank you for always being interested in my vi research and for telling me that what I was doing was important. Even when I was ready to give up, you never let me. I once read an article that said that the friends you make in graduate school are the friends you keep for life. I can say, without a doubt, that I have no intention of ever letting you ladies go. Being a part of the Fab Four has made my graduate career. Thank you for being a part of my life.