Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns A Schema Therapy Self‐help and Support Book Bruce A. Stevens and Eckhard Roediger This edition first published 2017 © 2017 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd Registered Office John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, UK Editorial Offices 350 Main Street, Malden, MA 02148‐5020, USA 9600 Garsington Road, Oxford, OX4 2DQ, UK The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, West Sussex, PO19 8SQ, UK For details of our global editorial offices, for customer services, and for information about how to apply for permission to reuse the copyright material in this book please see our website at www.wiley.com/wiley‐blackwell. The right of Bruce A. Stevens and Eckhard Roediger to be identified as the authors of this work has been asserted in accordance with the UK Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. All rights reserved. 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Cover image: Design Pics/Darren Greenwood/Gettyimages Set in 10/12.5pt Galliard by SPi Global, Pondicherry, India 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 For the next generation—my students and those who have attended my professional workshops. —Bruce A. Stevens For all people striving for a better life with the ones they love. From my personal experience, after more than 30 years I say: Yes, we can! —Eckhard Roediger Contents About the Authors viii Introduction 1 1 Schema Therapy: Toward a Science of Relationships 8 2 Past Tense, Present Tense: Understanding Family Patterns 29 3 Attraction, Romance, and Schema Chemistry 40 4 Back to the Future 53 5 Modes: In the Present Tense 63 6 Mode Awareness 77 7 Managing the Modes 92 8 Past Tense: Managing the Parent Modes 99 9 The “Great Escape”: Understanding the Coping Modes 112 10 Meeting the Needs of Your “Inner Child” 136 11 Mode Change 151 12 Putting “Healthy” Back in Your Adult 171 13 A Clear Path: Dealing with Conflicts, Communication, and Decision Making 191 14 Looking at Sex Through the Eyes of the Modes 211 15 Affairs 220 16 Emotional Learning 242 Epilogue 256 Index 258 About the Authors Professor Bruce A. Stevens (Ph.D., Boston University, 1987) is an endorsed clinical and forensic psychologist. He occupies the Wicking Chair of Ageing and Practical Theology at Charles Sturt University, Canberra, and is director of the Centre for Ageing and Pastoral Studies in the School of Theology. He started the Canberra Clinical and Forensic Psychology practice in Canberra in the early 1990s. He is with Shayleen and he has three daughters and a son (a clinical psychologist, one complet­ ing training in clinical psychology, a nurse training as a sex therapist, and a lawyer). He has written six books, the most recent with Chiara Simone‐DiFrancesco and Eckhard Roediger, Schema Therapy with Couples: A Practitioner’s Guide to Healing Relationships (Wiley‐Blackwell, 2015). Dr. Eckhard Roediger (M.D., Frankfurt, Germany, 1986) is a neurolo­ gist, psychiatrist, and psychotherapist. He trained in psychodynamic and cognitive behavior therapy. He was the director of the psychosomatic department of a clinic in Berlin until 2007, and has since worked in private practice and as director of the Schema Therapy Training Center in Frankfurt. He has been married to Andrea for more than 27 years and is the father of three children. As well as being a schema therapy trainer and supervisor and the author or co‐author of numerous German books, book chapters, and articles on schema therapy (www.schematherapie‐roediger.de), he has been the secretary of the International Society of Schema Therapy (ISST) since 2008; he is currently the ISST president. Introduction A New Start? Why did you start reading this book? Are you just curious about how relationships work? Are you thinking in terms of preparing yourself while you’re starting a new relationship? This is probably a good idea since there are already existing marital preparation courses based on concepts like schema therapy. But maybe you’re unhappy about your relationship and are looking for some ideas to improve it. These are all good reasons to be open to fresh ideas and to develop new skills in relationships. Research indicates that 80% of those in troubled relationships tend to sep- arate within four or five years, without external intervention. John Gottman, the world’s leading relationships researcher, found this with more than 600 couples in his “Love Lab” in Seattle. Indeed, crisis brings risk, but also a chance for improvement and growth. And there are many crises over the course of any lasting relationship. So you’re not alone but in very good company! We appreciate that you’re willing to do something to improve your relationship. This means paying into your relationship account. And maybe once you get started your partner will become curious and possibly involved. Improvement usually starts with the willingness of one of you. Be assured, anything you do will have some impact on your relationship. So just go ahead and start making improvements from your side. This book will give you a lot of practical advice. It doesn’t explain the whole world of relationships, but it will give you an idea why you find yourself again and again in the same life‐traps, and it shows you a way out. Isn’t that a good point to start? Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns: A Schema Therapy Self-help and Support Book, First Edition. Bruce A. Stevens and Eckhard Roediger. © 2017 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. Published 2017 by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd. 2 Breaking Negative Relationship Patterns Introductions Allow us, the authors of this book, to introduce ourselves (since you’re trusting us by reading our book). Bruce Stevens is a clinical psychologist who has specialized in couples therapy for over 25 years. He’s a research professor at an Australian university. Eckhard Roediger is a neurologist, psychiatrist, and psychotherapist with two decades of clinical experience. He’s the current president of the ISST, the International Society of Schema Therapists. Both of us are advanced trainers in schema therapy and established authors. Candidate Therapies? If you were in a supermarket of various therapies, what would you take to the checkout? You would want the therapy you choose to make a profound difference, so it should meet the following criteria: 1. Explain. The therapy will need to explain why we do what we do (including our thoughts, feelings, and behavior). A good therapy will point to the underlying causes of psychological problems. 2. Childhood origins. It will find the childhood origins of adult difficulties. These are the experiences that have taught us to behave in certain ways. 3. Proven effective. Therapists working from this perspective will potentially work more effectively. This will be proven by evidence from gold‐standard clinical trials. 4. Practical. Such a therapy must have principles that are easy to put into practice. Interventions need to make sense, “feel relevant,” and, most importantly, be able to effect change. 5. Range of effectiveness. Ideally, this therapy will be able to deal with issues that are simple and straightforward, but also make a difference to the most chronic and difficult of personal problems. It will have been road‐tested with the personality disordered, who present the greatest challenge for therapists. 6. Integration. This therapy should be integrative and draw on what works from other therapies, such as mindfulness techniques, which are now widely popular. A big ask? You might be surprised that any among the hundreds of psycho- logical and relational therapies could meet such criteria. Happily, there’s good news. Potentially, three therapies could qualify. The best evidence of Introduction 3 effectiveness with couples is from emotionally focused therapy for couples. This works well for most couple issues, but wasn’t designed to address difficult character problems. However, two therapies have a proven record of effectiveness with the most entrenched and difficult of personal prob- lems. They are schema therapy and dialectical behavior therapy, but proof of effectiveness has been mostly with individuals. Besides that, John Gottman and David Schnarch are two authors who have influenced us. We have adapted schema therapy to helping couples. We’re two of the three authors who wrote the first schema therapy book on couple relationships to guide therapists.