S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster Transcribed by unknown. Final corrections by Helen. GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme. Tiddey pong! SEAGOON: And now the same thing in Aramaic. Tiddey pong! GRAMS: PETER AND SPIKE PING TAR NAT PLUNG TAR FERN TULE, KNIN, QUERDGE, HARAT, HUME. DURING THE RECORDING PETER & SPIKE HIT A COW BELL, TEMPLE BLOCK, BLOW A WHISTLE DUCK CALL (PLAY FAST). GREENSLADE: It sounds naughty. SEAGOON: It is. MORIARTY: Ahaa. And there's more where that came from, I tell you! FX: COLOSSAL SLAPSTICK MORIARTY: SHRIEK GRYTPYPE: Back, you fumed frog of a man. SEAGOON: Mr Greenslade, clutch the shins and announce this announcement on the wireless set. GREENSLADE: (MEGAPHONE) Hello England. ECCLES: (OFF) Hello. S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster GREENSLADE: Oh, I don't know, I give up. Really, this is just too much! SELLERS: (MEGAPHONE) Snatching up his dying announcement, Ned continues, aye! SEAGOON: Thank you. (MEGAPHONE) Hello, folks! Leather speaking trumpet announcement in the modem wireless talking manner, folks. To celebrate the 200th anniversary of Burns, Cuts and Bruises, we go over to the krutty, crab-ridden seashore of the Scotland, folks! ORCHESTRA: DRONE CHORDS. CHISHOLM PLAYS TATTY TROMBONE BAGPIPE MELODY. CHISHOLM DECIDES TO SING A SCOTS MELODY DEVINE. GRAMS: JELLY SPLOSH. CHISHOLM CONTINUES TO PLAY TROMBONE, ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. FX: PISTOL SHOT. CHISHOLM: Oh! (SWEARS IN FAUX SCOTTISH). FX: CLANG OF TROMBONE HITTING THE GROUND. ORCHESTRA: REVERT TO VERY FAST TATTY 'I WANT TO BE HAPPY' PLAYOFF. GREAT CYMBAL SMASH AT THE END, CYMBAL FALLS TO THE GROUND. FX: DROP A LOAD OF CYMBALS TO BOOST IT. HAIRY SCOT: [SELLERS] Hernia, the big nertt the noon loch nern ahoyeeen. McTHROAT: (GUTTURAL SCOTTISH THROATINGS) S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster SEAGOON: Hello, hello! Ned calling on his Mac Megaphone made from red Scottish hairs, folks. These sounds were the dreaded sound of the Phantom Trombonist of the Glen. HAIRY SCOT: Aye, they do say it's the ghost of George Chisholm's grandfather. Killed one stormy night when the Tay Bridge died. CHISHOLM: Aye. That's troo! Real troo! I was killed outright. The noo! SEAGOON: Thank you, George Chisholm and his phoney Scots accent! CHISHOLM: Ach! (SCOTTISH-ISH RANTINGS) SEAGOON: There he goes, folks, he and speaking part fee of two guineas. WOLFIT: [MILLIGAN] Ohhh! Ohhhh…. Yeee, haaa, hoooo… And now, folks! The tale. 'Twas a dark and windy night… GRAMS: WIND HOWLING BLOODNOK: (OFF) Ohhhhhhhhh! WOLFIT: Ohh. And as far as the eye could see, and the teeth could chew. It was 1878 and the kringe were in the klonge... (SELF FADE) GRAMS: WIND HOWLS. EXPLOSION (DISTANT). BLOODNOK: Ohhhh! So soon in the programme, too. Ohhhhhh! SEAGOON: In the year 1878 I had a bridge building company in Sauchiehall Street. I didn't have an office but I did have a Sauchiehall Street. Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ho, ha! S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster GRAMS: MIX IN TERRIBLE MASS CROWDS BRAWL. SMASHING GLASS, SCREAMS, DISTANT BAGPIPE AT SPEED. SEAGOON: You hear that? Celtic versus the Rangers. HAIRY SCOT: Aye. While half Scotland crammed the football stadium, Ned dillingently went about building his business. SEAGOON: (SINGS) 'I belong to Glasgow' (TALKS) Ice Creams, football badges, bandages, guns, clubs. (SINGS) 'Dear old Glasgow town'. FX: PENNY IN A TIN CUP SEAGOON: Thank you, sir. A dud Burmese sixpence? Scotland for ever, sir! ELLINGTON: Och Aye and Oi Vay, Mon. It's a warum bracht moonlacht nacht for the Schidduch, the noo, mon. SEAGOON: And bless old Ghana, too! ELLINGTON: Folks, I don't know how I get these parts, I just don't know. MAX: What about me, boy? They got me down as a Chinese. ELLINGTON: Man, you won t get away with it. MAX: I know, boy, it's… it's the old conk that gives me away. SEAGOON: Never mind, Max, it keeps the rain of yer tie, mate. MAX: Yes! Yes, that conk is working for me, boy. Ploogie! S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster WILLIUM: 'Ere, 'old it, 'old on, 'ere. What's all this? An Englishman, Irishman and a Jew? Wot you a-doin' of, then? SEAGOON: We're just posing for a joke. WILLIUM: Can't you read that 'airy sign, mate? "No posin' for English, Irish or Jewish jokes on even dates". Lift up yer 'at! FX: RESOUNDING WHACK ON HEAD SEAGOON: (SCREAM). WILLIUM: Now, sign this receipt for that lump I just give yer. GRAMS: SHORT HOT XYLOPHONE BREAK SEAGOON: There. WILLIUM: What's this? "Maureen Shag"? Is that your name? SEAGOON: No, that's the name of my signature. WILLIUM: Oh. GRAMS: SMASH AND GRAB RAID IN MIDDLE DISTANCE. SHOP WINDOW SMASHES. POLICE WHISTLE TOOTING. WILLIUM: 'Ark on it! It's the sound of a pea vibrating inside a metal cylinder, agitated by 'uman wind. Known to the ahtside world as the Rozzers Flute or the Narks Lullaby. 'Ere, them criminals don't 'arf lead us a dance, matey. S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster SEAGOON: Take your partners for the smash and grab one step! GRAMS: OLD PRE-ELECTRIC RECORDING OF A BAND PLAYING A ONE STEP. MIX IN COPPERS CROOKS POLICE WHISTLES. OCCASIONAL WHACK ON HEAD. FADE UNDER. SEAGOON: Gad, what a night that was! GRYTPYPE: You dance divinely, little hybrid fellow. SEAGOON: You must be Lou Praeger. GRYTPYPE: Ha, ha, ha. You devil. Is that your barrel organ outside? SEAGOON: Yes. GRYTPYPE: Drive me to the millionaire's entrance of the Unemployment Exchange. SEAGOON: Splendid! And it's his turn in the barrel organ. GRAMS: TAXI FLAG DOWN GRYTPYPE: Step on it! SEAGOON: So saying, he threw down a dog-end. GRAMS: MIX A BARREL ORGAN AND A CAR DRIVING AWAY TOGETHER. SPEED UP. GREENSLADE: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Sauchiehall Labour Exchange. S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster ORCHESTRA: SNORING... McGOONIGAL: [SELLERS] Ohhhhh, what a glorious sight to see. Ten Thousand unemployed Scotsmen, All happy and free. They lay there kipping, Row after row. And... FX: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK ON DOOR McGOONIGAL: Ohhh? And oh… (ALL SNORING STOPS AS THOUGH IN PANIC) MORIARTY: Everybody quiet! Who is there? Who is that there? Is it work? GRYTPYPE: No, it's me. MORIARTY: Ah. GRYTPYPE: Thynne! Friend of the weary. FX: DOOR OPENS MORIARTY: Ah. SEAGOON: The door was opened by a heavily strained wreck wearing the string remains of an ankle-length vest, a secondhand trilby and both feet in one sock. MORIARTY: And there's more where that came from! I'm a true son of People's Republic of France. S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster FX: SLAPSTICK MORIARTY: (WHIMPERS IN PAIN) GRYTPYPE: Ned. This is the great French revolutionary shop-steward and rifle-range target, Count Jim Le 'Steamnuts'... GRAMS: BURST OF STEAM MORIARTY: (WHIMPERS IN STEAMED PAIN) FX: BURST OF STEAM AND CASTANETS GRYTPYPE: ...Moriarty. Men of the Royal Labour Exchange, I have good news. I recently had talks with the Prime Minister and he has granted us a further extension of unemployment. ORCHESTRA: CHEERS & GRAMS McGOONIGAL: And as the Highlanders shout hooray, Max 'Conks' Geldray was seen for to play. SEAGOON: Hooray! Time for the brandy! GRAMS: GREAT RUSHING AWAY OF BOOTS MAX GELDRAY & ORCHESTRA: MUSICAL INTERLUDE GRAMS: WAVES ON ROCKY COAST. SEA BIRDS CIRCLING & SQUEALING. S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster GREENSLADE: From a rocky ledge on Skilla Brae I announce part two. Why I'm on a rocky ledge on Skilla Brae, I just don't know. I am but a humble announcer and these sea-birds are no respectors of persons. GRAMS: SNORING AND DISTANT BAGPIPES SEAGOON: (MOUTH NOISES) Ah. Three blissful months I spent in the Labour Exchange. And then… one day! FX: PHONE RINGS MORIARTY: (STARTLED YELPS) The phone. The phoooone. The phone's ringing. The phone. GRYTPYPE: You fumed frog! I thought you told me that that phone was unemployed. Ned, you take it, it might be the fiend work. FX: PHONE OFF HOOK SEAGOON: Don't you worry, chaps, they'll never know. (JEWISH ACCENT) Hello, Israeli Embassy, Golders Green, 'ere. SPRIGGS: (ON PHONE) Helloooo? Hello. Is that the Scottish Labour Exchange? SEAGOON: Yes. Ohhhhh! I've given it away, ohhhh! SPRIGGS: Ohhh. Listen, Jim. Listen, Ji-iiiiimmm! SEAGOON: I'm listening, Ji-iiiimmmmmm! SPRIGGS: Rrrrriiiiight, Jiiimmmmm. (MILLIGAN ALMOST CORPSES) Is that Seagoon, the famous bridge-builder? S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster SEAGOON: Yes, indeed. My fame has spread from the little basement I work in, to the old lady next door and back again. SPRIGGS: Okay, Jim. Come to this address at once, Jim. It means money. Moneeeyyyyy. SEAGOON: (MAD) Money! GRYTPYPE: Money! SPRIGGS: Money! GRAMS: WHOOSH GREENSLADE: From a straight Jacket at the bottom of the Thames, I announce a meeting of the Glasgow L.C.C. GRAMS: FADE IN SCOTTISH REEL DANCERS WHOOPS YELLS, MUSIC ACCOMPANIMENT BY A TYPIC'AL SCOTTISH BAND. OCCASIONAL SMASHED GLASS, OCCASIONAL DRUNKEN YELL. HAIRY SCOT: Oh, ha-harrr, ah-harrrr-oh. Well, that's enough, now, lads. What's the date? MILLIGAN: The First of Joone. HAIRY SCOT: Aye, well, we must now declare Hogmanay officially over. GREENSLADE: (VERY NOT SCOTTISH) Hoots, Mon, sir. The applicants for the new bridge is waiting, the noo, Och, Aye, Mon. HAIRY SCOT: Who's first? ECCLES: Um… Och, Aye, mon. Hoots, mon, aye. Mac Eccles. S9 E15 - The Tay Bridge Disaster HAIRY SCOT: You ever built bridges before? ECCLES: Yep, yah, yah, yep. I built the (GIBBERISH) Bridge. I built that bridge in (GIBBERISH). And I… I, um… just finished the Forth Bridge. HAIRY SCOT: When did you build that? ECCLES: After the first three fell down.