Polyamory or Polyagony? Jealousy in Open Relationships by Jillian Deri MA, Simon Fraser University 2003 BA, Concordia University, 2000 Thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy In the Department of Sociology and Anthropology © Jillian Deri 2011 SIMON FRASER UNIVERSITY Summer 2011 All rights reserved. However, in accordance with the Copyright Act of Canada, this work may be reproduced, without authorization, under the conditions for Fair Dealing. Therefore, limited reproduction of this work for the purposes of private study, research, criticism, review and news reporting is likely to be in accordance with the law, particularly if cited appropriately. APPROVAL Name: Jillian Deri Degree: Doctor of Philosophy Title of Thesis: Polyamory or Polyagony? Jealousy in Open Relationships Examining Committee: Dr. Cynthia Patton Chair Professor of Sociology and Anthropology Simon Fraser University Dr. Ann Travers Senior Supervisor Associate Professor of Sociology Simon Fraser University Dr. Michael Hathaway Committee Member Assistant Professor of Anthropology Simon Fraser University Dr. Helen Leung Committee Member Associate Professor Gender, Sexuality and Women’s Studies Simon Fraser University Dr. Mary Bryson External Examiner Professor, Human Development Learning and Culture University of British Columbia Date Defended/Approved: July 26, 2011 ii Partial Copyright Licence STATEMENT OF ETHICS APPROVAL The author, whose name appears on the title page of this work, has obtained, for the research described in this work, either: (a) Human research ethics approval from the Simon Fraser University Office of Research Ethics, or (b) Advance approval of the animal care protocol from the University Animal Care Committee of Simon Fraser University; or has conducted the research (c) as a co-investigator, collaborator or research assistant in a research project approved in advance, or (d) as a member of a course approved in advance for minimal risk human research, by the Office of Research Ethics. A copy of the approval letter has been filed at the Theses Office of the University Library at the time of submission of this thesis or project. The original application for approval and letter of approval are filed with the relevant offices. Inquiries may be directed to those authorities. Simon Fraser University Library Simon Fraser University Burnaby, BC, Canada Last update: Spring 2010 Abstract Polyamory is the contemporary practice of consensual and responsible non- monogamy. Using qualitative, open-ended interviews, I spoke with twenty-two queer, polyamorous women in Vancouver, Canada, about how and why they practice polyamory and specifically how jealousy is experienced, expressed and re-imagined in their relationships. Through the development of a polyamorous philosophy and subculture, polyamorists rethink feeling rules about love, relationships and jealousy with the goal of attaining compersion, a term developed by polyamorists to describe the emotional experience of pleasure felt in relation to a lover’s sexual and/or emotional connection with other people. It is through their participation in the polyamorous community and engagement with its philosophy that polyamorists shift their embodiment of emotion. Jealousy is connected to power relations; therefore I explore how polyamorists are affected by Western cultural regulation of sexuality and emotion, as well as how they rethink power relations within their personal dynamics. Using sociology of emotion, feminist intersectionality theory, queer theory, critical sexualities theory and an insider research methodology, I document a moment of this sexual subculture’s process and illustrate its numerous emotional challenges, punned polyagony. iii Dedication For AJ Murray: Thank you for making polyamory possible in my life and for being my Editing Guardian Angel. And for talking over my ideas at every stage of this process. This dissertation would look completely different without you. For my parents, Eva and Tom. After being cradled in your unconditional love, anything is possible. Thank you for teaching me to demand that kind of love from every relationship. Köszönöm és én imádlak. iv Acknowledgments It takes a whole village to write a dissertation. From the words of encouragement from friends, to all the theorists and teachers who have shaped my thinking, to all my poly dates who have bruised and reinforced my heart, to the random strangers who have offered me their stories of open relationships that flung my critical imagination into whirlwinds of analysis - this paper could not have been written without you. Thank you Ann Travers for teaching me the art of joyful perseverance, and sometimes just perseverance. And for the salmon, tough love and conversations in the vault. My sister Cathy, I followed in your footsteps all my life, so figured I might as well also get a PhD. But of course I pursued something a little different. To my participants for providing the bulk of all that is smart in this text. Kira Schaffer, Wendy Mendes, Kat Forrester and all the aerialists at the Great Northern Way Aerial Club for balancing my life while upside-down and dangling me into exquisite joy. Truly a blessing. Helen Leung for the invaluable guidance and queer theory inspiration. Michael Hathaway for pushing my brain in directions I didn’t even know were there. And for letting that be the last cliché I ever write. Mary Bryson, your theory has inspired me for years. I’m honoured to have you on my committee. Brian Burch, I appreciate your insightful quotes and advice. Gabriela Rosales, thank you for always believing in me and the power of fashion. Christine Stoddard, thank you for the kvetching, candy and inspiration. You made this process beautiful. Tamara Unroe, I jump off this cliff with you as my Wingsuit. Mitch Mateychuk, thank you for bringing sparkle and tech support into my life when I needed it most. Special thanks to Milena Droumeva, Adrienne Miwa, Teresa Wood, Emily Boyce, Helen Kang and the Something Feminists, the Feeling Queer Reading Group and my poly community. v Table of Contents Approval ............................................................................................................................. ii Abstract .............................................................................................................................. iii Dedication .......................................................................................................................... iv Acknowledgments ............................................................................................................... v Table of Contents ............................................................................................................... vi Chapter 1 But Don’t You Get Jealous? ............................................................................................... 1 Polyamory Terms ............................................................................................................ 6 Jealousy Defined ........................................................................................................... 10 Jealousy Research ......................................................................................................... 15 Polyamorous Ideas of Jealousy ..................................................................................... 21 A Short Note on Love ................................................................................................... 25 Compersion ................................................................................................................... 27 Contributions and Limitations of my Research ............................................................ 29 Chapter Overview ......................................................................................................... 32 Methods and Reflections ................................................................................................... 37 Method .......................................................................................................................... 38 Challenges in Research on Emotion ............................................................................. 38 Use of the Internet ......................................................................................................... 42 Insider Research ............................................................................................................ 43 Recruitment ................................................................................................................... 45 Interviewing .................................................................................................................. 46 Analysis of Data ............................................................................................................ 50 Reactions to my research .............................................................................................. 51 Chapter 2 Jealousy and the Sociology of Emotions .......................................................................... 54 Sociology of Emotion ................................................................................................... 57 a) Biology and Psychology ...................................................................................... 60 b) Social Constructionism; Weak, Strong, and Postmodern ..................................... 65 c) Intersectional