Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 WOODEN OVERCOATS: FUNN FRAGMENTS “AUTUMN CLEANING” by GABRIELLE WATTS Antigone Funn ~ BETH EYRE Georgie Crusoe ~ CIARA BAXENDALE Rudyard Funn ~ FELIX TRENCH Dr. Bear ~ TOM CROWLEY FUNN FRAGMENTS THEME. ANNOUNCER: Funn Fragments... of Wooden Overcoats. Antigone struggles to let go in Autumn Cleaning by Gabrielle Watts. QUIET ROLL OF THUNDER, INTO: FUNN FUNERALS ATTIC. GEORGIE IS RIFLING THROUGH A MOUNTAIN OF JUNK. CRASHING AND CLUNKING AS SHE THROWS RANDOM OBJECTS OVER HER SHOULDER. GEORGIE: No… no… no… ANTIGONE IS DOWNSTAIRS. ANTIGONE: (OFF, MUFFLED) Georgie? GEORGIE: Don’t need that... don’t need that… ANTIGONE: (OFF, MUFFLED) Georgie! 1 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 OFF, ANTIGONE HURRIEDLY RUNNING UP STEPS, UP TO THE ATTIC, AS GEORGIE KEEPS SORTING THROUGH JUNK. GEORGIE: They definitely don’t need that… THE TRAPDOOR BURSTS OPEN. ANTIGONE: (FROM OPEN TRAPDOOR) Georgie!! GEORGIE: Aaaargh! ANTIGONE: Aaaarghh! GEORGIE: (BEAT, RECOVERING) For… God’s sake, Antigone! You gave me a heart attack. Wait, why were you screaming? ANTIGONE: Because you were screaming! It’s frightening. Don’t do it again or you’re sacked. GEORGIE: You’re the one bursting through the trapdoor! ANTIGONE: Well you’re the one in the attic! Scuttling about and making a racket – I can hear it all the way from the mortuary! GEORGIE: Sorry about that. There isn’t a lot of space to move up here. ANTIGONE: You shouldn’t be up here at all! How many times have we told you that the attic is off-limits? GEORGIE: Yeah, I know that. ANTIGONE: So why have you broken the rules? 2 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 GEORGIE: To be honest, I thought you were hiding something I wasn’t meant to find. Like a body. ANTIGONE: That’s literally the one thing you’d expect to find in a funeral home, Georgie. GEORGIE: Which makes it the perfect place to hide one! I’m onto you. ANTIGONE: No you’re not, now stop messing around and tell me what you’re really doing up here. SHE CLIMBS UP AND INTO THE ATTIC. WOODEN FLOORS CREAK. GEORGIE: OK, so when I couldn’t find the hidden body- ANTIGONE: There’s no hidden body! GEORGIE: I decided I ought to do a spring clean. ANTIGONE: In October? GEORGIE: Alright, it’s an Autumn clean – stop splitting hairs. ANTIGONE: I’ll split hairs if I want to; it’s my attic and you’ve no right to be up here! GEORGIE: Antigone, look at this place. You two have enough crap in here to sink a battleship. You should have a clear out. ANTIGONE: And what if we don’t want a clear out? GEORGIE: Well can you think of a reason to keep a collection of regional Boggle variants? 3 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 ANTIGONE: No. GEORGIE: Or a barrel of monkeys with no monkeys? ANTIGONE: No. GEORGIE: How about The Antiques Roadshow on Betamax? ANTIGONE: No! GEORGIE: Right then – hand me a bin bag and let’s get clearing. ANTIGONE: Now stop right there! These things may be worthless but they’re too valuable to throw away. GEORGIE: If it’s broken, it’s chucked, and if it isn’t, it’s going to the Reverend. He can donate them to worthy causes. Though where he’s gonna put Frankenteddy, I don’t want to know. PULLS OUT A TEDDY BEAR. ANTIGONE: (GASP) Dr Bear is a family heirloom! You can’t give him away! GEORGIE: Antigone, it’s possessed. A HOARSE SQUEAK AS GEORGIE SQUEEZES IT. THE VOICE QUALITY IS DISTORTED. DR BEAR: (D, ‘CUDDLY’) You’re my best friend! ANTIGONE: What’s wrong with that? 4 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 DR BEAR: (D, ‘CUDDLY’) Let’s bury the dead! GEORGIE: I rest my case. ANTIGONE: He was very supportive in my early years! GEORGIE: OK, you can keep the mouldy old bear. But we have to get rid of something! ANTIGONE: Alright alright, but I’m going to supervise. GEORGIE: Will you actually let me get rid of anything? Like… PULLING ITEMS FROM THE PILE GEORGIE: An old Ouija board. ANTIGONE: No. GEORGIE: You don’t believe in ghosts. ANTIGONE: But what if they believe in me? GEORGIE: OK then, what about these old jam jars… GLASS CHINKING SOUNDS AND LIQUID AS GEORGIE PICKS UP JARS OF DEAD ANIMALS. GEORGIE: They’ve got something inside them… Oh my God – these are animals! ANTIGONE: And beautifully embalmed, don’t you think? Considering they’re my first. Our father wouldn’t let me practice on people, so I had to work on whatever I could find. 5 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 CHINKING OF JARS GEORGIE: A rat, a sparrow, two pigeons… ANTIGONE: And an earthworm. He was challenging. GEORGIE SHIFTS A HEAVIER OBJECT. GEORGIE: And is this… it’s a cat, isn’t it? ANTIGONE: (PANG OF AFFECTION) Aw, that’s Sylvester. He had a very dignified funeral. GEORGIE: And then you— ANTIGONE: Stuffed him, yes. (STROKING HIM) Aw, he’s still soft! Go on, you stroke him! GEORGIE: No. I guess we’re not getting rid of him? ANTIGONE: You can’t ask someone to throw away their cat! GEORGIE: OK, these should be easy though. FLIPPING PAGES. Three notebooks, only half full. ANTIGONE: I think you’ll find they’re still half empty, now put them down! GEORGIE: Hang on, these are diaries! From way back. 6 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 ANTIGONE: I was at school! And they are not diaries, they’re scientific logs. GEORGIE: “November 5th. Jamie spoke to me today. I ignored him.” … What are those, above the i’s? ANTIGONE: They’re… well they’re hearts, obviously. GEORGIE: They don’t look like hearts. ANTIGONE: They’re not cartoons, they’re anatomically correct! GEORGIE: And you’ll be keeping these. ANTIGONE: Of course I will! If you’re so keen to get rid of something, then take the accordion. ACCORDION WHEEZE. GEORGIE: You played an accordion? ANTIGONE: No, it’s Rudyard’s. He went through a musical phase at school – kept going on about bands. GEORGIE: He wanted to be in a band? ANTIGONE: No he wanted to be a band. Like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Except Rudyard thought he could do it better. GEORGIE: He’s not bad on a mandolin. ANTIGONE: He’s terrible on everything else, so throw it away. ANTIGONE RIFLES THROUGH JUNK. 7 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 ANTIGONE: While you’re at it, you can have his chess set, pirate ship, dinosaur, and Thunderbird 3. And take his football too – it’s never been used. GEORGIE: Antigone, we can’t just take all of Rudyard’s stuff! We need to throw out half the junk in here just to cross from one side to the other without killing ourselves. ANTIGONE: Well half the stuff is his, so throw it out and you’ve achieved your goal. GEORGIE: That’s not fair – you’ve got to make concessions. ANTIGONE: I don’t see why. He doesn’t come up here, he’d never notice. GEORGIE: You never come up here either! ANTIGONE: Well I have now and you’re not getting rid of my things! And I can prove to you that Rudyard’s clutter is worse than mine! GEORGIE: Oh really? ANTIGONE: Yes! GEORGIE: Go on then! Prove it! A RUSTLE OF PLASTIC AND TERRIBLE SQUELCH. GEORGIE: (CHOKING) Oh God! What is it? ANTIGONE: Suet Pudding. He made it for mother, twenty-four years ago. She didn’t want it, but he refused to throw it out – just in case she changed her mind. 8 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 GEORGIE: OK, OK! Point taken! Pass me the accordion. DISTANT SLAMMING FRONT DOOR, DOWNSTAIRS. RUDYARD STORMING ABOUT. RUDYARD: (OFF, MUFFLED, YELLING) Antigone! Georgie! Where are you? GEORGIE: (CALL) We’re up- ANTIGONE: Shhh! Georgie! He won’t find us if we keep quiet. RUDYARD: (OFF, MUFFLED) If the Reverend calls, I don’t live here anymore! And it wasn’t my fault anyway! Antigone! Georgie! ANTIGONE: We’ll wait till it’s dark and dispose of his things. GEORGIE: You mean we’re not going to tell him? ANTIGONE: Of course we aren’t. He’d only try and keep it all. What does he know about autumn cleaning? RUDYARD: (OFF, MUFFLED) Antigone! Georgie! RUDYARD STORMING ABOUT DOWNSTAIRS. GEORGIE PICKS UP A CLUEDO BOX. ANTIGONE: What’s that? GEORGIE: Cluedo. Wanna play? ANTIGONE: … Yes, why not. THEY START SETTING THE BOARD. 9 Wooden Overcoats Funn Fragments – Autumn Cleaning © Wooden Overcoats Ltd. 2019 ANNOUNCER: Autumn Cleaning was written by Gabrielle Watts and was performed by Beth Eyre as Antigone, Ciara Baxendale as Georgie, and Felix Trench as Rudyard, with additional voices by Tom Crowley. The script was edited by David K. Barnes and the production manager was Elizabeth Campbell. Music composed by James Whittle. The programme was recorded at the Coach House Studio and was directed and produced by Andy Goddard and John Wakefield. Disclaimer: All rights including but not limited to performance, production, and publication are reserved. www.woodenovercoats.com 10 .