1 The Story of the Fourth Wise Man And Other Snippets of Inspiration and Humor By David Myers Southwest Kansas Register 2 THE STORY OF THE FOURTH WISE MAN Keep scrolling. I left this page blank because that’s the way the real authors do it. I don’t know why they leave it blank. It seems like an awful waste of paper. Just think if all the authors in the world had used this page instead of leaving it blank, how many more trees we’d have today. I bet at least 17. 3 The Story of the Fourth Wise Man And Other Snippets of Inspiration and Humor By David Myers DIOCESE OF DODGE CITY Dodge City, Kansas 4 THE STORY OF THE FOURTH WISE MAN Copyright 2009 Diocese of Dodge City Dodge City, Kansas Most of these columns were published in the Southwest Kansas Register, the newspaper of the Diocese of Dodge City. For reprint requests, write to [email protected], or contact the author at (620) 227-1519. You don’t need permission to print copies of columns for yourself, family or friends. Reprint permission is only required for professional publications, like the New York Times. Or maybe the Wall Street Journal. Actually, the only reason I require permission is because knowing someone wants to reprint one of my columns would make me feel good. In fact, even if you don’t want permission, feel free to ask. 5 Contents A Squirrel Story........................................................9 Rational thought and you.......................................12 The story of the fourth wise man.............................15 Time is the cure for the teen-age blues....................18 What is truth? Hmmmmm ........................................21 Making music.........................................................24 On being made new again......................................27 ‘Good Time Eddie’..................................................30 Rhonda Lee Combs for president............................33 God, what have you done for me lately?.................36 An interview with Santa Claus.................................39 Happy Mother’s Day...............................................43 I wish .....................................................................46 Thanks God, for not getting fed up........................49 Time to open the mail bag ......................................52 Children are superior to adults...............................55 The story of Ralph Waldo Stein...............................58 God comes to Straw Bales.......................................61 A brief glance behind the scenes............................64 Lute player teams with drummer boy for first Christmas concert......................................67 Lost and found.......................................................70 Come for the mid-life crises, stay for the pies.........73 6 THE STORY OF THE FOURTH WISE MAN A father’s gift.........................................................76 God plays to a big house.......................................79 God is the traction on life’s icey spots....................82 Preposition proves costly........................................85 God’s simple truths.................................................88 The true story of Thanksgiving..............................91 Here’s to Mom.........................................................93 How Santa tamed the west......................................96 A stroll through the human condition......................99 The morality of Cocoa Puffs.................................102 Phil the Ogre rears his head.................................105 An interview with ‘Whisper’ Jones, the loudest voice in the midwest............................108 From the Rapture: Angels react to earthly events..111 The morality of B-movies and Outer Limits...........114 Happy Father’s Day.............................................117 Great moms through history..................................120 Out on a limb........................................................123 Vote for Phil..........................................................126 Edna for president................................................129 Astro Teen’s last amazing adventure......................132 Do you smell something?......................................135 Q&A with the SKR................................................137 An interview with Satan........................................140 The Petro-Oil Variety Show; Act III.......................142 We could all use a little doggy wisdom.................149 7 This one’s for the couch potatoes.........................152 Death by any other name ....................................155 Spread the wit and wisdom...................................158 A ‘hate-o-rama’....................................................161 Evolution, creation, parenthood ..........................164 What I learned from the shrew..............................167 Does God grade on a curve?...............................170 My idol, Casper Johns.........................................173 It’s always the season of Thanksgiving................176 Papers, please......................................................179 ‘Our Friend, Aluminum’........................................182 Alive and well in Heaven......................................185 ‘Swabbing and You’..............................................188 Shepherds recount birth of Savior ........................191 The most beautiful place on Earth ........................194 On being called to the journey..............................197 God bless the Hair Club for Men..........................200 8 THE STORY OF THE FOURTH WISE MAN Patience; you’re almost there. Not that you’re on the edge of your seat or anything. But it does start on the next page, in case you’re wondering. Yep, any second now ... 9 A squirrel story In the last issue of the Register, Tim Wenzl (former Register editor and current Diocese of Dodge City archivist) detailed in his column how a squirrel managed to get into the chancery, turn on his computer and rename his hard drive. The little creature actually scampered across his keyboard, not only kicking his Mac into start mode, but, in doing so, it altered the name of his hard drive. For several hours Tim had to ponder the fact that an entire a month-and-a-half worth of work he’d com- pleted on his book about the history of the Dodge City Diocese had been destroyed by a squirrel. It would take a team of experts most of the morning to undo its handiwork. But, in the end they managed to retrieve Tim’s research. What Tim didn’t tell you is that the squirrel returned the next day and completed the first chapter of his book. Oh, Tim complained about the liberties the little rodent took with his research, but I hap- pen to know Tim didn’t change a word. I have to admit that I found the squirrel’s essay on the diocese’s relationship to the farming community in the 1950s quite intriguing. What was it he wrote? Oh, yes: “People often spoke of the Church as a refuge, a place where, on each Sunday, family and community entered into a oneness as inexplicable and golden as the Trinity. But for the farmer, the Church was the river of wheat and corn they would navigate each day, the sun radiating God’s infinite power, His heavenly bounty providing spiritual nourishment. It was on God’s shoulders that they placed their hope for the future. Indeed, the Church and the land were one and the same.” 10 THE STORY OF THE FOURTH WISE MAN Wow. I don’t know about you, but I find that to be darn good writing -- which was exactly my first impression upon reading it. My second impression was this: Why should Tim be the only one to benefit from the furry little scribe? It obviously lived near the chan- cery and might be more than happy to contribute to the Register. I decided to track the squirrel down and ask him if he would like to start by providing a guest editorial. I went outside, pursed my lips, and began producing chirping sounds. I wasn’t sure I sounded anything like a squirrel until an aged man with a cane walked by and said, “Quit making fun of the squirrels. They can’t help the way they talk!” I knew I was on the right track. Suddenly I sensed movement in the branches above my head. I looked up and saw a little fuzzy face looking down at me. I told Tim to get out of the tree and I kept looking. Moments later I finally spotted the squirrel as it was making its way up the trunk of a large elm. I could tell it was the squirrel in question because the look on its face said it had been contemplating social justice issues. What a squirrel, I thought. I smiled and pointed to the window of Tim’s office. Nothing. I started typing at a phantom keyboard, hoping he’d get the mes- sage. He just stared at me. I ran in the chancery, grabbed a copy of the Register and held it in the air. He scanned the front page and just yawned, which I found a bit insulting. Then I had an idea. I went back inside, ran up the four flights of stairs to my attic office, and one piece at a time, brought down my entire computer -- 19-inch monitor, hard drive, printer, surge pro- tector and even the little plastic box that plugs into the computer but has no actual function. With the help of an extension cord, I set the computer up on the lawn outside the office. Then, on top of the keyboard, I set a single honey-coated peanut. Mmmmm. I moved several feet away and stood perfectly still. The squirrel 11 looked at the computer. Then it looked at me. Then it looked at the computer again. I didn’t breath. I didn’t blink. Seconds later I breathed