Cold Open: An alarming number of Japanese citizens have taken a dark pilgrimage to the Aokigahara (“Ah-oakee-gah-hara”) forest, more commonly known as Japan’s suicide forest, to end their lives, most commonly by hanging themselves from tree branches followed by taking an overdose of sleeping pills. An untold number have wandered in and have never wandered out. Beginning in the 1960s, between approximately ten and thirty people each year spent their last living moments in this forest at the base of Mt. Fuji. And the number of annual suicides has greatly increased recently. In 2003, 105 bodies were discovered. Comprehensive data on lives lost in the forest doesn’t seem to have been released since 2003, which is not a good sign. Why here? Why is a small patch of serene forest the second most popular suicide destination in the world, thought to trail only the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco? More than 1,500 people have jumped off that bridge and died since construction was completed in 1937. So many that the government has decided to build the world’s most expensive safety net. A stainless steel net, located about 20 feet below the bridge’s sidewalk, will span 1.7 miles of roadway on each side of the bridge and extend twenty feet out over the water. It’s gonna take four years to construct and will cost just over $200 million. It should be finished by 2021. And while that net will certainly make it a Hell of a lot harder for people to throw themselves off that bridge, how do you stop people from taking their lives in a thirty-square kilometer patch of forest? You can’t put a net under every tree. We’re gonna break down Japan’s suicide dilemma, both within the suicide forest and without - it has one of the highest suicide rates of any country in the world, and look into all sorts of explanations, including some terrifying Japanese paranormal legends, today, on Timesuck . PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I. Welcome! A. Happy Monday Timesuckers! Or Tuesday, Friday, last Monday for you time travelers, or whenever you’re happening to be letting the Suck knowledge slap your hearing biscuits. I’m the Man Some Call the Suckmaster, the man my mom calls Daniel Boone, the man a lot of Starbucks baristas call “Don”, so apparently I need to speak up and enunciate, because I’m Dan Cummins, and YOU are listening to Timesuck. Welcome to the Cult of the Curious. Hail Nimrod! In the Suck Dungeon again today, regarding this one early because the Reverend Doctor Josh Krell is on vacation this coming Monday. His whooping it up at Disneyland and possibly crying and shaking on the Pirate’s of the Caribbean ride because, it can pretty dark in there and there’s a lot of spooky voices and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. If you’re four years old. If you’re Josh, then, plenty to be ashamed of for doing that so hopefully that’s not the case! B. Open House: Another open house reminder. And, just to be clear, this is just a visiting hours situation. Just a chance for anyone who wants to come by and say hi and see how the whole thing works to be able to do so. May 29th, 3-7PM, in the Sandlewood Business Center, where we have a cool, hidden Suck Dungeon inside an unassuming, beige office complex where you might find an orthodontist, quilting catalog distributor, or storage closets packed with unsold ALF laser discs. We’ll have snacks. Some catered stuff from what I understand. We’ll have drinks. We’ll probably even have the dogs. So pop over and, put some sights to the sounds, and meet some fellow Timesuckers and Space lizards. 2215 E Sherman Ave. Suite 109. Coeur D’Alene, ID 83814. Address in the episode description. C. Memorial Day sale! A Memorial Day sale has started! It started the second this episode was released. Or, if this episode was released a few minutes early - it starts at Noon. And it lasts through Memorial Day. Sale is 25% off everything in the store, use the discount code HEROES at checkout! And Space Lizards - listen to last Thursday’s episode for your 30% off code which cannot be combined with your existing discount. Doing a big blow out to sale to make room for some new merch which will be hitting the store in waves this summer. When the following items are sold out, they’re gone! 1. We will not be restocking the first generation original logo shirt. 2. We will not be restocking the second generation 100% imported unicorn scrotum black flat earth / lizard illuminati shirt. 3. We will not be restocking the Third Generation 213% imported Koala Anus Yah-Mo Timesuck Bojangles, Michael Motherfucking McDonald, and James Ingram shirt. 4. We will not be restocking the 4th generation 311% pure domestic bald eagle head feather Timesuck logo shirt. 5. AND - we will not be restocking the red, Danger Brain Hail Nimrod shirt. 6. AND - lastly, when the current hats are gone, they are GONE. We will be getting new products in waves throughout the rest of the year. Several different products are in various stages of design and production including a new hat. Lynze is working hard with Danger Brain to make sure the new products are top quality - damn you Lucifina for making us all wait so long for what we want. Takes a minute to make good shit. So, if you’re bummed we don’t have new stuff as soon as you’d like, just know we are working on it all the time. Again, 25% off using the discount code HEROES at checkout. Sale starts Monday, May 21st, that’s today, at Noon PST, that’s now. Sale ends Memorial Day, Monday the 28th, at Midnight PST. Hail Nimrod! D. Space Newt bit by a dog! Shout out to Timesucker and Space Lizard Cody Osuna and his son Bohannon! Little Bohannon, only one year old who listens to this show and the Secret Suck with his father, got bit by a dog recently and needed 6 stitches to his cheek and four stitches across his tongue. He’s doing fine but the little dude misses his binky! Can’t suck the bink, can’t take a puff of that baby cig with stitches in his tongue. Bojangles sends positive healing energy your way young Space Newt! You shall heal at ten times normal speed now young anunnaki! Heal well! Praise Bojangles! Email Lynze your address Cody and we’ll get you a little care package. [email protected] Alright - some tour dates and then we’re off! I promise. E. Tour: May 31st - June 3rd - the Flat Earth Tour continues at the Tempe Improv with special guest Gareth Reynolds from the Dollop Podcast. Excited! June 8th and 9th I’ll be bring my flat earth mockery to the Drafthouse in Washington, DC - tickets are ON SALE! http:// drafthousecomedy.com/event.cfm?id=507358& June 15-16th I’ll be at the Funny Bone in Des Moines, Iowa - two nights only! Tickets on sale there as well. July 15th doing my next live Timesuck podcast in Orlando at the Orlando Improv AND several standup shows July 12-14. http:// www.theimprovorlando.com/ComedyClub/866e4def-e0ba-4722- b140-f1b2b8ab8940/Calendar/orlando I’ll be at The Comedy Store in La Jolla the following week, July 20-22nd. And then I’ll be in Dayton, July 27-28th, at the Funny Bone. More tour dates at www.dancummins.tv. Tampa, Palm Beach, Chicago, Sunnyvale, Portland, Tacoma, Columbus, your mom’s panic room, Grand Rapids, your dad’s crawlspace and more coming up in 2018! F. Now, let’s dig into the darkness, and find out what the Hell is going on in Japan’s suicide forest. PAUSE INTERLUDE II. Suicide Disclaimer: Quick note about today’s episode. I’ll be making jokes during an episode on suicide, but suicide is not a fucking joke. Anyone listening to this, thinking of self harm, please reconsider. Don’t stay quiet if you’re having thoughts darker than anything Lucifina could put in your head. Reach out to someone, genuinely seek help. Think about those you’d be leaving behind. Hit pause, reevaluate the potential of your life and how you could change. Think you’ve fucked up too bad, made too many mistakes? Volunteer at youth or homeless centers - teach others to not make the mistakes you’ve made. Talk to someone who can provide a different point of view. Just hold on a little longer and reach out. Call the suicide helpline at Suicide Prevention Hotline dot org 1-800-273-8255. No sponsor - just me not wanting to lose a listener! Just don’t want to lost a listener to Nimrod’s butthole. You remember that’s where you end up, right? No ballsack for you buddy. Nimrod won’t let you in his heavenly scrote if you end it all. But for real, if you know someone listening who is struggling with suicidal thoughts, who has attempted suicide, or even if you someone who has died from self harm and you need to talk to someone who understands the pain your in, hit those digits. Save yourself. Save a friend. Unless you know, for sure, that your friend is like, a serial killer. Then, maybe don’t try to talk them off the ledge. Maybe then, by saving a murderer, you’re getting other people killed.