144 HEIDI DIEHL Second Forest Lydia left with Darren after lunch. They could Lydia did like Darren’s large hands on the skip the panel discussion, Darren told her, and steering wheel, and the music he’d picked for the make it back in time for cocktails. Lydia agreed, ride. The smell of the woods, her body tired in even though a few days earlier, she had circled the seat, the pleasant slow feeling that came from the panel—Braille in the Information Age—in drinking too much the night before: all of this the conference brochure. Darren’s car was in a was enough. She liked that Darren was taking lot behind the hotel, and they were out of the city her somewhere. quickly, up a steep hill and onto a narrow green “I haven’t been out here since I was in grad road. Ocean Beaches, the signs began to promise. school,” Darren said. That was probably fifteen “I thought the ocean would be too cold for years ago. Lydia thought he was a little older than swimming,” Lydia said. It was August, but she she was, in his mid-forties. She knew that he was was glad she’d brought a sweatshirt along. The a one-on-one at a school in eastern Washington, thin breeze from the car’s open windows felt new that he’d been there for some time. to her. Until now, summer at home in Boston “Did you do your Masters in TVI?” Lydia had been heavy and slow. Seasons had meaning asked. Teaching the Visually Impaired—with on the east coast. She’d been enjoying the lack of Darren, she could skip straight to shorthand. definition here; her first week in Oregon had felt He nodded. “Back when dinosaurs roamed more like fall, at least the golden side of it. the earth.” “We’re going to swim close to the ocean,” “I hope your swimming hole hasn’t been Darren said. “But not in it.” turned into condos,” Lydia said. She reached Lydia watched him instead of the road. His under her collar and untwisted the strap of her loose steering made her uneasy; so did his foot, bathing suit, a nylon column with no mystery. too quick on the brake. Trucks hurtled towards She used it for lap swimming at home, and she’d them on the opposite single lane, sudden around brought it for exercise in the hotel pool. But she the bends, carrying stacked logs or hidden cargo. and Darren had kissed the night before, and if Darren’s hatchback was battered and old. It she’d known it was going to happen, she would hesitated on each incline as he pressed into the gas. have packed a different suit. 145 “Not out here,” Darren said. “This is state be overcome. land.” Lydia’s husband wasn’t expecting much “So no hot tub, then?” detail about her trip. Scott hadn’t wanted her He touched her bare arm. “You need the to attend the conference, even though it was a sweatshirt,” he said. “You want to get toasty.” routine event—she’d been in the field for seven “We could put the heat on,” Lydia said. “To years. When she met Scott, Lydia was a Special replicate summer.” Ed teacher, but when their son Max was born, “This is how I do it.” Darren stuck his thumb she went back to school and got a second degree. into the vest he wore over his t-shirt. “Fleece in She wanted to stay one step ahead of Max’s August.” disability—low vision in both eyes. Now, at nine Darren’s confidence with his body was also years old, his sight was 20/200, which meant new to Lydia—the clinging fabric, the vigilant he read with a magnifier and took a bus to his posture. Darren was the kind of guy that Lydia school, half a mile from home. He was pulled out and her husband Scott might make fun of. of his classroom once a week for Orientation and Too manly, if they saw him strutting though Mobility lessons, but he participated in art and the supermarket. A hippie jock, one who could gym, and though Lydia knew her son would be rhapsodize about his weight-lifting acumen and limited by his impairment, she didn’t agree with his hiking boots in the same sentence. her husband that it was a tragedy. But alone with Darren, the target of his The night before she’d left for Portland, Scott assertion, Lydia didn’t mind it. lit into her. She was packing her suitcase; her There were maps stuffed in the pocket on the clothes were piled on the bed. door, and a yellowed paper cup. She wondered if “You think you’re the only one who can make Darren’s wife used this car. Like Lydia, Darren decisions about Max,” Scott said. “That you wore a ring, though neither of them had offered know more than I do.” He stalked around, his detail. anger expanding in the room. “There’s a metal gate,” Darren said. “On the Because there was a surgery, still in shoulder. That’s what we’re looking for.” development, that might help Max. Lydia Lydia watched green flicker by. “I’m glad these thought Max should focus on accommodation— woods are protected,” she said. Max who played basketball in thick glasses and “There were fires here in the ’30s,” said said he was used to his vision, that he didn’t want Darren. “This is all new growth.” to change who he was, though he sometimes also But the forest was dense and established, a said that it looked as if it were raining indoors. primeval place that seemed to harbor perfect But the doctors, the research, the literature— quiet, deep shade, a promise that mistakes could none of it offered anything concrete. The surgery Crazyhorse 146 wouldn’t be tested on actual patients for another with lectures and statistics and working groups. five years. And Max didn’t want to change, a Lydia had spent the first week in a cane travel wish Lydia thought they should respect. A wish class. Max didn’t use a cane, though he might that confounded Scott. at some point. And a few of her students did, “This is my job,” Lydia told Scott. “The four-year-olds feeling out the shape of the world. county is paying for me to go.” Lydia met Darren in the class; it was the walking Scott didn’t respond. He fiddled with the around with her eyes covered and his hand on things on Lydia’s dresser, knocking into what her arm that had started all of this. she’d lined up to take with her. Now Darren braked hard and pulled into a “The kids I work with are different than Max,” notch on the side of the road. “This is it,” he said. Lydia said. An argument she’d made before: she “The best swimming spot in the country.” taught babies and young children who had no “I’ll be the judge of that,” Lydia said. sight at all. She gathered her purse and the towel she’d “You can’t even say worse,” Scott said. “They’re taken from the hotel and joined Darren by the worse off than Max. You don’t have to be so P.C.” metal fence. Two other cars were parked along “You don’t have to be so negative,” Lydia the road. She’d hoped to be alone with Darren; said. The wrong thing to say, because Scott she knew that they needed to move quickly, that was optimistic—he’d found the specialist in they’d gravitated towards each other because Philadelphia who was developing the procedure. what they could expect was contained. But Lydia didn’t want Max to spend his childhood The trail beyond the fence led through the visiting doctors when the surgery wouldn’t even trees. When Lydia was teaching, she told her be possible until he was an adult. And she was students to see by using their other senses. The afraid that Scott’s hope was a false one. Believing smell of fir trees and dried pine. The quiet brush in something far off would make them miss what of branches moving overhead, the soft give of was in front of them. damp earth. This was how she coached Max too, During the first week of the conference, when to use every bit of sight he had; available vision, Lydia called home, Scott put Max on the phone it was called, and even a rough shape or shadow quickly. Which was fine with Lydia. She’d never was something to work with. But Lydia felt spent so much time away from her son. Ten days guilty now, because the real beauty in this place in all, and she wanted to find a gift to mark her was what she could see clearly: the sunlight’s lace absence, to make sure that Max minded that she across the forest floor, the sap stuck in ridged was gone. That was the fear, that he would care bark, all the subtle texture around her. She about it less than she did. wouldn’t be able to bring any of it back to Max. The conference would last another three days, The path sloped down towards a river, its Second Forest 147 banks lined with high rocks. The water moved Lydia removed her clothes and covered her with a slow current.