Introduction When Matt Cale came up with the idea to do a guide to 80s Action on our site, Ruthless Reviews, we whipped up a template covering the key elements of these greatest of all movies: tagline, story, corpse count, one-liners, homeroticism, stupid political content and novelty deaths. We never dreamed that this would be the start of a media empire. And, indeed, it was no such thing. But The Ruthless Guide to 80s Action drew more attention than we anticipated. Whether it be through worn-out VHS tapes or countless hours spent in a drunken stupor, gorging on greasy food while at the mercy of basic cable, millions of us have been permanently branded by the hot poker of 80s Action. After 10 years documenting the homo-fascist carnage, we‘ve decided to put it all together in a book, along with a lot of new content. So, we recruited some guest contributors from our favorite websites and podcasts covering similar material. Then we tricked them into giving us free content for a broadly offensive book, likely to tarnish the reputations of everyone involved. You‘ll also find new content from our regular group of contributors: The Unemployables. Well, are we gonna sit around the station all day, hiding behind our desks like a bunch of slack-jawed faggots? The answer is yes, but let‘s get to the next part of the book. CONTENTS 80s ACTION TIMELINE Chapter 1: If it bleeds, we can kill it. Chapter 2: Yuppies, Penguins and Commies. Chapter 3: Women's Studies. Also, cyborgs. Chapter 4: Ooooooh! Navy Seals! Chapter 5: 80s Action Crossover Chapter 6: Chuck Norris Could Beat Up A Bear With His Beard Or Whatever. Chapter 7: I Never Said I Was Running For Pope 80s ACTION TIMELINE 1969 You can trace the origins of almost anything back to antiquity, but we‘ll start in 1969. This is when The Wild Bunch introduces the world to cinema so violent, you need a pen and paper to count the corpses. Director Sam Peckinpah offers a hyper-machismo that would later morph into outright homoeroticism during the 1980s. The opening of the film suggests that the viewers are like cruel children for enjoying the carnage. So be it. 1971 Dirty Harry gives us a clearer idea of what will come in the following decade. One-liners, a huge gun and a renegade cop who gets results, in spite of the liberal justice system and a plague of badge-taking Stupid Chiefs. Pauline Kael trashes Don Siegel‘s masterpiece as fascist. Screenwriter John Milius, who gave us ―You‘ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky?‖ calls himself a ―zen fascist.‖ 1974 The late lamented Charles Bronson stars in Death Wish, which helps to further establish the ’80s Action template with a violent revenge fantasy conveying the flaws of political liberalism. The film‘s sequels, in which Bronson lands a bigger revolver than Dirty Harry‘s—not to mention the occasional rocket launcher—will be among the finest examples of pure ’80s Action. 1976 Sylvester Stallone writes and acts his way into our hearts with a film people will be aware of—and probably still watching—100 years after its debut. The first Rocky is very much a ‘70s film. A personal story about an outsider stuck in a malaise. Made for $1 million, the franchise goes onto generate... well, I don‘t think anybody even knows. Certainly well over $1 billion, all told. By the next decade, both the Rocky series and Sly in general would be in full-on, commie-crushing, ’80s Action mode. Fun fact: In the original script, Mickey was a vitriolic racist. 1977 Pumping Iron is released and Arnold becomes a blip on the zeitgeist he will one day blitz and dominate. Before long, his redoubtable presence will roll from Hollywood to the hinterlands, yet we still won‘t be able to get enough. There will be a point in time where we seriously discuss changing the Constitution to allow him to become President of the United States. 1979 Israeli producers Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus purchase Cannon Films, through which they would make the Death Wish sequels, Invasion U.S.A., seven movies with Ninja in the title, and much more of the ’80s Action canon. The pair would later be ruthlessly parodied in Bukowski‘s Hollywood. Though accused of all kinds of dishonesty and cheating, they leave an enduring legacy to humanity. 1980 ―I am Emperor Ronald Reagan / born again with fascist cravings,‖ warn the Dead Kennedys. They are pretty much right, as unions are crushed, corporations take permanent control of government, progressive taxation is launched into history‘s dustbin and the military industrial complex is locked into high gear, forever. But we also have perhaps the most memorable decade of popular entertainment ever. Must be a coincidence. 1982 Conan the Barbarian and First Blood are released. An important psychological discovery opens the door to more than a decade of cinematic glory: possessing an intense desire to watch hulking muscle men fondle enormous, penetrative weapons proves how heterosexual you are. 1984 Missing in Action is released, establishing Chuck Norris as a reliable ’80s Action star. Americans begin to convince themselves that we could have won in Vietnam and eliminated the threat posed to the United States by lightly armed peasants thousands of miles away. The only thing that stopped us was some college kids holding signs back home. James Cameron and Stallone begin scripting Rambo: First Blood Part II, adding to the body of films in which ―we‖ go back to ‗Nam and finally stand up to Vietnamese aggression, making the world safe for democracy. 1985 After finishing at the top of his class, earning an M.A. in chemical engineering, a then-unknown Dolph Lundgren is living with supermodel Grace Jones in her apartment. Apparently tired of partying with Andy Warhol‘s clique, he is hanging around the set of A View to a Kill with Jones, who suggests he try out for a part in the movie. And with that, Dolph becomes a movie star simply by choosing to do so on the spur of the moment. Yes, that‘s all true. How‘s your life going? 1985-’87 Reagan‘s second term brought a golden shower of ’80s Action hits. Films released during these years include Rambo: First Blood Part II, Raw Deal, Red Sonja, Invasion U.S.A., Death Wish 3, Robocop, Over the Top, Commando, Cobra and The Delta Force. Of these, only Robocop exhibits any trace of reflection or humanitarianism. Faster America, Kill Kill. 1988 Steven Seagal squeaks into the ‘80s, debuting in Above the Law. Seagal contributes two important additions with his approach to action movies: 1) He uses a more personal and brutal style of violence. Rather than limiting himself to shooting or blowing up henchman, he audibly snaps their bones, punches their kidneys and gouges their eyes. When he gets to the head villains, he often treats the audience to prolonged scenes of torture and mutilation. 2) He brings his own brand of social awareness. Yes, he goes after drug dealers. But he also goes after corporate polluters, crooked CIA agents and dirty cops. Many fans suspect Seagal of enlightenment, but years later we learn that he exists in a dense fog of self-aggrandizing delusion. 1988-’89 The great surge of ’80s Action begins to lose its momentum, bogged down by increasing numbers of non- Americans and an influx of unwanted intellect. Jean Claude Van Damme debuts in Bloodsport. John Carpenter releases They Live as a reaction to eight years of Reaganism. George Bush Senior, the wimpy WWII combat pilot, replaces our courageous B-movie actor. Earnest ‘80s Action films begin to decline. See Red Heat. 1990-’93 Gulf War I breaks out. The spectacular violence is conveyed to an increasingly squeamish public only through sanitized, video game-like imagery. You can hardly tell that hundreds of thousands of people are killed for the glorious cause of... well, whatever it is, it doesn‘t sound as good as fighting Communism. ’80s Action sequels become derivative parodies of earlier, crappy derivative sequels Rocky V, American Ninja V, The Last Action Hero and Abs of Steel represent the death throes of a once dominant genre. A rube named ―Bubba‖ who openly enjoys sex with women is elected President of the United States. 1994 Pulp Fiction hits theaters. It is grunge to ’80s Action‘s hair metal. Tarantino offers up enough noise, violence, homoeroticism, suspense and quick dialogue to satisfy any action fan. But he does so from a posture of detachment and conspicuous intelligence. It will be hard to ever go back to spitting popcorn as you yell at the screen for more terrorists to be killed, but we will try. 1996 Will Smith, who brought us rap music free of violence and misogyny, now brings us an action film free of jingoistic hatred and inadequacy-driven rage. Lucas started it, but perhaps Independence Day is the point of no return. From now on, the most popular action films will be family-friendly, computer-generated semi-cartoons in which the bad guys are often not even human. What is the point of violence when it isn‘t even used against your fellow man? 1998 Out of the hundreds of directors to mindlessly ape Tarantino, Guy Ritchie is the most successful. For this transgression, he suffers a fate that draws the sympathy of even his staunchest detractors when he is married to Madonna. The silver lining of the whole tragedy is that he introduces the world to Jason Statham in Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.