in the unforgettable imagery of mils his foul act in the course of a For example, one of the po- that hilarious and perceptive work running smear of Charles Lind- tentially most exciting sports of by Dwight Macdonald, Confes- bergh (the excuse is a review of a them all-pro basketball-is rap- sions of a Revolutionary, reporter documentary on the Lone Eagle) idly going to Hell in a handbasket Lerner, advancing through Ger- in which Lerner shamelessly res- because of the influence of the many at the end of World War II, urrects the old, discredited slow, boring, and incredibly thug- leaped from an army jeep to con- Rooseveltian-Stalinist lies about gish Detroit Pistons. Since victori- front an elderly shell-shocked Lindbergh being pro-Naziand anti- ous dynasties get imitated by other German farming couple, asking Semitic. teams, the prognosis for pro bas- them: “Do you feel guilty?” after So, Max. Here we are again, ketball is grim unless the Pistons which he proceeded to a gala old buddy. What goes around can be toppled. Surely, by the banquet with Red Army generals, conies around, eh? After fifty-five way, it is no accident that the wolfing down caviar and toasting years we can close the books at advanced hooliganism of the Pis- each other with champagne. last Marxist, Veblenite, Stalinist, tons reflects the state of affairs of I hated Max Lerner when, 50s consensus-man, pro-war lib- the “community” from which they leaping on the “consensus” band- eral, Reaganite, neocon, what in hail. Detroit, acity which has taken wagon in the 1950s, he ignored all Hell’s the difference? Nothing’s on something of the aspect of conflicts and problems and changed. Two constants loom Beirut, and which makes New York celebrated America as a Civiliza- through all the gyrations of your City look like Palo Alto, “cele- fion. life. You’ve always been a pom- brated” this summer’s (yes, bas- I hated Max Lerner when, in pou!;, humorless egomaniac. And ketball is now virtually a year- his insufferably clotted and tedi- you’ve always worshipped at the round game) victory by murdering ous column in the New York Post, shririe of war and the State. So a few of its citizens. Such are its he began to boast about being the what else is new? “folkways”: like city, like team. “patriarch” of his newly-burgeon- Except, of course, the Pistons don’t ing family. From the Bench actually play in Detroit, since any I hated Max Lerner when he sports arena there would soon get abandoned that family to take up IDown With the to look like Dresden, 1945. permanent residence in Hugh ID-.e-e-fense In sports as everywhere else Hefner‘s Playboy Mansion, there M.N.R. in our culture, however, official celebrating the sleazy joys of by opinion is dominated by media ex- I’m going to say it flat out, hedonism. perts, and these experts exalt the and damn the consequences: I hated Max Lerner when he ‘great defense’lof the Pistons, who despite the “purists,” I hate games became a pro-Vietnam War lib- keep all of their opponents below and ‘teams that emphasize de- eral and then a Reaganite. 90 points a game. What’s so great fense. Games of defense are in- And now I hate Max Lerner about low scoring? The “great variably slow, thuggish, and B-O- especially when, now-of defense” is, of course, accom- R-I-N-G. And as an allied point, I course-a neocon, he emerges, dished by thuggery: by physically don’t care much for“wel1-balanced at the age of 180 or whatever, out areventing the offense of the other teams” where everyone is “unsel- of his residence at the Playboy team from shooting. And that has fish,’’ either. What I like and what Mansion (Hefner himself having aeen accomplished by the refe- we see all too little of, are games thrown in the towel on the hedonic ?ees losing their nerve over the that stress offense and are stud- life), to join the Smear Bund in /ears, and failing tu crack down ded with heroic superstars. What their assault on Pat Buchanan. and penalize hooliganism. Bas- the triie sports fan craves is ex- (Washington Times, Oct. 8) But tetball, unlike footbeill or boxing, is citement, not games that are slow, leave it to Max to add that special lot supposed to be a contact grinding, andlow-scoring, andwho Lernerian twist, in which he shows $port. In fact, in order to keep the cares about purism (whatever himself not at all different from the iighly-paid thugs in the game, the “purity” is supposed to mean in Original Lerner of long ago. In his ;olons are now moving to change this context?). newspaper column Lerner com- he rules so that no one can foul 4 November 1990 LICENSED TO UNZ.ORG ELECTRONIC REPRODUCTION PROHIBITED out-which will be a disaster. art. A one-run lead becomes vir- play.” In contrast to orthodox To bespecific, Michael “Air” tually insurmountable. Yecch! strategies where the coach spells Jordan is far and away the great- Two basic rule changes are out the precise details of each est basketball player today, and needed to salvage soccer: (a) play in advance, the five key in a just basketball order his eliminating the ‘offsides” rule, players react quickly and on the Chicago Bulls would have won which prevents anyone from start- spot to whatever defense is put the championship for the past ing to dribble the ball unless at up against them. two years, and future teams would least two defenders are in front of In his illuminating article on attempt to emulate Jordan rather you; and (b) imposing a strict the “run and shoot,” Bob Oates than the muggers maximum on the writes that most football observ- from Detroit. number of defend- ers and coaches “instinctively ab- D-e-e-fense is ers who can be in hor it. To NFL traditionalists, foot- also what everyone the back third of the ball is a game of muscle and saw-and scoffed field. power. They distrust the run-and- at-in this year’s Fortunately, shoot because it is a game of World Cup soccer. there is hope. Pro mind and finesse.” (Bob Oates, Since the media crit- football has been “The Mouse is Roaring,” Los ics have no emotional moving in the oppo- Angeles Times, Sept. 3, 1990. or economic ties to site direction, favor- Also see Thomas George, “See professional soccer, ing the offense. Let How They Run and Shoot,” New they were free to vent the purists bewail York Times, Sept. 2, 1990.) their spleens at the the loss of the “good This fall may tell the tale. boring, low-scoring old days” of the slow, Mouse Davis is the offensive co- game that is inexpli- crunching offense ordinator for the Detroit Lions. cably beloved in the and defense, of the And several other NFL teams will rest of the world. Green Bay Packers, be stressing run-and-shoot: the Being diffuse and and the subsequent Houston Oilers, the Atlanta Fal- scattered, soccer play lowscoring. Thelast cons, and the Seattle Seahawks. is inherently tedious couple of decades If these teams do well, the entire at best, but few, have seen the league may throw in the towel people realize that triumph of the quar- and move to run-and-shoot. soccer is much more defensive, terback and the forward pass: and hence monotonous, than it and hence, a satisfyingly explo- Sports, Politics, was in the days of my youth. sive and high-scoring offense. (Yes, I played compulsory soc- This year, a new and even more and the cer in high school, and definitely offense-oriented strategy, the managed, soccer being the game “run-and-shoot,” is coming to the Constitution it is, to stay out of the action all of fore. A creation of the legendary by M.N.R. the time while pretending to be coach, Mouse Davis, the “run- “The personal is the politi- an eager participant. In those and-shoot” is highly forward- cal” is today’s common leftist antediluvian days, soccer had pass-oriented, putting no less chant. It is also a formula for to- five forwards, and only two full- than four wide-receivers (pass- talitarianism, for regimenting backs, and the result was a rela- catchers) plus only one running every aspect of our daily life. Re- tively high-scoring game (say 5- back on the team, so that every lations with friends and spouses, 4, instead of 1-1). Then the play is either a pass or a fake- whether or not you open a door defense took over, there are only pass (thel‘draw”). Not only that- for a female or use a deodorant, a couple of forwards, and every and here the strategy relies on every twist and turn of life is scru- one else spends the game hud- the brightness and quickness of tinized to root out the “politically dling in front of their goal, so that the quarterback and the four re- incorrect.” scoring has almost become a lost ceivers-every play is an “option The only way to combat this November 1990 LICENSED TO UNZ.ORG ELECTRONIC REPRODUCTION PROHIBITED.