The Man Who Spoke With Cats By Burt Pierce The Man Who Spoke With Cats 1. Things are breaking… His parents had saved, saved, saved to send Nick to Wharton School, where he did okay, but nothing to talk about over bridge. How’s Nick doing? Okay. He works in a bank, something to do with mortgages. Does he like it? What’s to not like? He gets a check twice a month and supports his family. Actually, Nick was rather bored. Smiling made his face hurt. He reported his “deals” monthly, and beyond his base he got a monthly emolument. When the bank manager would call him in monthly for his “chaser” he would smile, seemingly in response to the limp handshake he got. The mere press of it brought down another wave of depression. He sometimes thought back on the one English class he had ever taken, and from which he had only taken one prize: Melville’s Bartleby. Oh would he could sit down in the middle of the lobby, between the high writing tables that contained the deposit slips, withdrawal slips, and the tear-offs declaring the latest mortgage interest rates! Just sit there and mutter: I prefer not to. The high points in his life were the “executive days” when he would be sent to a seminar, a nearby motel with a rented conference room for “team building” or (and this was his favorite) the opportunity to attend a quarter of business “grooming” courses at places like the Kellogg School, or Harvard. Here he would meet others like him. They could “network” and trade their grievous stories or chip away at finding new job opportunities, anything to move on! And so all these friends and conspirators joined Linked-in and wrote each other very complimentary job recommendations, and thanked each other profusely by telephone. There, in that environment one could rêver [wags head side to side] about coming up on a warm beach where there was fresh air and no two-hour traffic commute, the blue sky, the real blue sky, not the one from the team building brain-storming sessions, no sticky rolls and no stale coffee. Well, that was when they brought in the group hypnotist to teach relaxation and self-assurance. The men’s room was strategically placed next to the Bank Manager’s office. And it was known that he occasionally timed people when he saw them enter the men’s room with a newspaper (no one would attempt a book). So when the iPod finally appeared, Nick could enter without being timed and read or execute Linked-in duties. One day in his personal “ inner sanctum” he became engaged by a Fred, a person in the Silicone Valley who kept acting amazed that Nick hadn’t pursued a “web gig”. Perhaps they could slap something together on the theme of political debate? In fact, on Facebook, Nick had noticed that people would go on and on every day about the same things, especially politics. Fred was a techie, so he really couldn’t push any ideas other than to create a kind of me-too Facebook. Well, the barriers to entry were low, at least for a prototype site. But then what? How would we get people to move away from their comfort zone (=give us money)? The solution came as Nick sat on the couch with his wife Glenda after the kids, Errol(7) and Wendy(10) went to bed and they were watching an interview on TV. The marketing “guru”, one of the principals of an advertising company was ©Burt Pierce, 2013 Page 1 The Man Who Spoke With Cats responding to the most often asked question: Since no one pays attention to advertisements, why do you bother? Can you actually measure your results? The guru was about 35, very tall, big shoulders and hands, and a prominently bald head, shaved and polished just so. His face was afflicted by a permanent-smirk that looked like it was backed by Botox. Well, Joel, I get that a lot. You see, the funny thing is that people really do understand that it works, but they don’t recognize it. Let’s just deconstruct what you just said so you can see it my way. But first, let’s just say there are constant statistical studies that prove advertising works. Just go to our site, www.gimmyideas.com and we have a whole page of pointers to these studies, as well as a few studies of our own, just for samples. At this point he makes one of those shit-eating shakes of his head he probably learned from James Carville or someone like that. Joel-the-interviewer has let him utter these entire sentences without interruption, but now he has to earn his keep by interjecting something cogent: Well yes I’ve seen studies before but never been convinced, as the argument invariably comes out favorable to the advertiser. That’s why they do them in the first place! A slight tick of the head and a bearing down of the eyelids radiates the you-fricking- media-commie look, but then the guru formulates the following compassionate response: Well I see how it can look like a vicious circle and I know people always think people use statistics to lie, so let’s refocus on our track here. No point in chasing that rabbit. Now we can forget the statistics and move on to something more convincing. You said people ignore advertising, right? Okay. They think they do. But actually they are being blown up and mined by our modern techniques. When did you take your last business class, in high school? About 1975, right? And what did they say was the purpose of advertising? Joel: Well, that wasn’t my last business class. I’m much more up to date than that! Advertising is intended to clearly demonstrate the excellence of product, and also to inform the consumer about updated or enhanced capabilities! Guru: Yes, that’s exactly right, but of course you didn’t need to revisit that after high school, because they are still teaching the same things today. Why? Because things haven’t changed except there are now laws against maligning the competition. So let me be Socratic with you, Joel, and ask how well that works? Joel: As I said, it doesn’t. Where are we going with this? ©Burt Pierce, 2013 Page 2 The Man Who Spoke With Cats Guru: Well Joel, we have to go back to picture and frame, ground and subject. You see, the viewer on TV is there for some sort of excitement. Their lives are very dull and they want the vicarious adventures of sin, violence, sex, drugs, adultery, the moral rockets for their suppressed egos, so they are wide-open to perceiving AN-Y- THING! No one is watching them watch this stuff, which they couldn’t even discuss publicly, except among chums. And then, every few minutes the show is traversed by a set of ads, to which they are entirely numb. But what happens? The gates are open. If the ad has routine objectives, such as you described, the ad period may pass entirely unnoticed, but not unseen. The last thing we want to do is get their attention! It’s kind of like gas at the pump. Now if the ad is actually interesting, as in the Rose Bowl game every year, they will watch for the ads in order to be amused. That really gripes the sports world because people aren’t watching for the game. And it gripes the advertisers because they have to pay ransom prices for the time knowing full well that the customers are only looking for something amusing or clever, not part of their regular scheme. Watching their money go down the drain is like water torture and they don’t enjoy being in the competitive position of needing to earn these ratings kudos. But they all feel they have to play or they are nothing. Ironic, isn’t it? But in reality, it’s the event that shows who is most willing to waste the most money on advertising, a kind of commercial potlatch, which simply gets the message out to the advertisers that advertisers will still have to pay through the nose for information customers are laughing too hard to consume. Joel: Yeah, but the ads the rest of the year don’t compare! They’re dull, stupid and often downright insults to everyone’s intelligence! Guru: Exactly! But the gates are open! That’s why we are guaranteed to do well, especially when we are worthless. The more we fail to deliver on the dull messages of advertising the better. Joe six pack says: Honey, did you see that stupid ad? Or, hey Honey, wasn’t that demeaning to women? Or how about: Hey Honey! Did that ad make any sense at all to you? Well, Dear, why didn’t you put it on mute? Honey, I don’t see the point. We’ll only have to take it off mute in a minute or so and if am not fast enough, I might miss some of the game! Minute, my foot! There are always at least 5 minutes of advertising. The gates are open for fear of missing some adventure, even if it’s just watching a Cadillac skid around three times and leave a cloud of smoke. Oh the fantasy of being alone in the world and able to drive like that in a city everyone has left! Ha! Talk about strange! Joel: I never thought about it like that! Finally the ads cut in and Nick is able to talk to his wife Glenda.