Storyline Gathering - 03.07.21 CONNECTIONS Jill McNabnay I love the TV show, The Big Bang Theory, because it’s full of geeky, nerdy, science humor, which I’m all about. But the whole show is really about these four guys who are so brilliant in their jobs, but so dumb in real life. They have no clue how to form relationships with others. And just I’m fascinated by their quest for connection because that’s something I see every day – ALL day - as a high school teacher. Young people may not be aware of it, but from the outside looking in, it doesn’t take long to see that a huge percentage of their life is dedicated to finding, impressing, and keeping their group of friends. This looks different depending on their age, but it is still there all the time. I teach freshmen and seniors, so I see them at the beginning and end of their high school career, and one of the biggest differences between them, besides their maturity level, is that most freshmen don’t know where they belong or how they fit in, so a lot of their time, effort, and mental energy is consumed with trying to figure that out, and at times making pretty clumsy attempts to fit in and impress their classmates. But by the time they’re seniors, kids have settled into their niche, they’ve found a group, club or team where they feel like they belong…the more flamboyant quest for friendship may be over, but the passion connected to connecting with others clearly remains. And as we grow older, I don’t think we outgrow this, we only grow more and more sophisticated in our quest to connect -- but the passion never dies. One of the most difficult things about friendship is although it’s something I think we can all agree we need, it’s also something that goes against everything American culture is strongly suggesting is a better way to live – we call it everything from the cowboy way, to independent, to self-confident, but really, it’s just ...rugged individualism. So, while it’s cute to see little kids forming friendships, and it’s good to see adolescents doing the same, as an adult, we’d like to think the quest for friendship, the need for connection and belonging, is something we’ve outgrown. I find it quite ironic that social pressure pushes teens toward friendships, often in detrimental ways, yet as adults the social pressure is in the opposite direction. We feel immature when friendships are too important to us. Sure, having friends is a good thing, but according to the American ideal, for adults, self-reliance is better. So, the question I’d like to look at this morning is: what’s the deal with friendship and forming deep, meaningful connections with others? In America we seem to be sort of schizophrenic about it. Why are friendships too important to us as adolescents but not important enough as adults? Now, bear with me, I’m going get a little Big Bang Theory on you here for a second because I think science actually has a lot to show us about the nature of who we are, what we’re made from and for, and how that all relates to connecting. We all remember from 8th grade science that everything, everywhere is made of atoms, including us. And atoms are small. Like a single grain of sand contains a million trillion atoms. Half a million atoms are as wide as one human hair. And for a long time, scientists thought atoms were the smallest thing that existed until they discovered particles. Now, these subatomic particles are a lot smaller than atoms and they are incredibly strange. In fact, the name of one of the particles we’ve discovered is “strange” because of how bizarrely these things act. Particles come into existence and then they disappear. They’re here and then they’re not here. And we don’t know where they come from or where they go. As far as scientists know, particles are the most fundamental building blocks of the universe. And yet, what we know about them is they exist and then they don’t. But we don’t know why or how or where. Some subatomic particles can disappear at point A and then reappear at point B without traveling the distance in between. Other particles are bonded together and then they separate, and then after they separate, they demonstrate an awareness of what the other particle is doing without any communication between them. It doesn’t matter how long they were bonded for or the distance between them, if you change the spin of one particle, it changes the spin of the other, even though they’re no longer physically connected. Physicists have a word for this, they call it entanglement. They were once together, and now they’re not, but they’re still keeping tabs on each other, without any communication between them. I know it sounds like science fiction, but this really is science… And while we don’t know everything it means for us physically, I think looking at the building blocks of life can help us grasp a little more about the nature of relationships, or at least our need for them. The stuff that we are literally made of, the very building blocks, the foundation of who we are, the strange particles and the muons and bosons and quarks, are entangled, they are connected, they are in a relationship with each other. Maybe this is part of the reason why we value connection and friendship so much. Because we’re literally made for it, from connections, down to the most fundamental, foundational parts of our existence. It makes me wonder - maybe we were made to be entangled in each other’s lives? And it helps me relate to something God said in Genesis, “It is not good for man to be alone” with a new level of appreciation. It certainly is something that science has proven on the particle level, teens have proven on the relational level, and all of us know at our deepest level, being alone is not good. So even though we have a better understanding than ever of how relational the building blocks of life are, research shows that compared to just several generations ago, we spend less time in conversation over meals, we exchange visits less frequently, we engage less often in leisure activities that encourage social interaction, we know our neighbors less well, and we see old friends less often. Now, the pandemic has definitely amplified this, but these are trends that have been accelerating for at least the last 40 years, if not longer. In a brilliant book, written at the very beginning of the twenty-first century, Robert Putnam highlights the decline of engagement and connection in American society, and explores the reasons behind these trends. He says, “Nothing - not low education, not full-time work, not long commutes in urban agglomerations, not poverty or financial distress - is more broadly associated with civic disengagement and social disconnection than is dependence on television for entertainment…TV watching has such a powerful impact on engagement with others that one hour less daily viewing is the civic-vitamin equivalent of five or six more years of education. In short, more time for TV means less time for social life.” Now, this was written before the Internet became a household amenity; before smartphones, and Wi-Fi, and on-demand streaming. This was written in the age of dial-up internet connections - we’re talking prehistoric times. Putnam wrote this when the majority of Americans didn’t have access to the internet at all! So now, 20 years later, we have even more technologies, and luxuries, and options, and with that has come even less meaningful connections with one another. Years ago, an Amish preacher was asked how they decide which technological inventions to admit and which to shun. His response was, “We can almost always tell if a change will bring good or bad tidings. Certain things we definitely do not want, like the television and the radio. They would destroy our visiting practices. We would stay at home with the television or radio rather than meet with other people. The visiting practices are important because of the closeness of the people. How can we care for our neighbor if we do not visit them or know what is going on in their lives?” Now, if you’re like me, you know this is true, but we don’t want it to be. I want deep connections, but I also want to be able to binge watch Season 5 of The Office when necessary! To be completely honest, at the start of all of this pandemic stuff, I was actually really enjoying the solitude and alone time. For introverts like myself, the initial phases of quarantine felt like a blessing. Because for the first time in my life I didn’t have to make up an excuse as to why I’d rather stay home and read than go out. It was the law; I was just doing my part; alone time - as a community service. But at some point, and I can’t exactly tell when, social distancing and quarantining and being alone got to be very difficult, even for someone like me. And as important as it was and is for us to do everything we can to stop the spread of the virus, the culture of individualism that the pandemic has forced upon us, has not been good for us.