PARKS AND RECREATION Media Blitz #03004 Written by Harris Wittels Directed by David Rogers Production Office: 4024 Radford Avenue Norvet Bldg., 3rd Floor TABLE DRAFT 05/11/10 Studio City, CA 91604 PRODUCTION MEETING DRAFT 05/13/10 (818) 655-7840 SHOOTING DRAFT 05/14/10 Copyright 2010 OPEN 4 BUSINESS LLC ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. NOT TO BE DUPLICATED WITHOUT PERMISSION. This material is the property of OPEN 4 BUSINESS LLC and is intended solely for use by its personnel. The sale, copying, reproduction or exploitation of this material in any form is prohibited. Distribution or disclosure of this material to unauthorized persons is prohibited. PARKS AND RECREATION "Media Blitz” [03004] Shooting Draft 05/14/10 CAST LIST LESLIE ANN RON TOM ANDY APRIL BEN JERRY DONNA CHRIS BELLA CALLER #1 CALLER #2 (FEMALE) CALLER #3 CALLER #4 CALLER #5 CALLER #6 CALLER #7 * CRAZY IRA * GEORGE JERMAINE JOAN LOUISE NATALIE PERD HAPLEY QUEEN OF ENGLAND (V.O.) SECURITY GUARD SHAUNA MALWAE-TWEEP STAGE MANAGER THE DOUCHE PARKS AND RECREATION "Media Blitz” [03004] Shooting Draft 05/14/10 SET LIST INTERIORS EXTERIORS PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE ANN’S HOUSE - DAY LESLIE AND TOM’S OFFICE SCHOOL - DAY RADIO STATION ANN’S HOUSE - NIGHT RADIO STATION - HALLWAY CHRIS AND BEN’S OFFICE HALLWAY RON’S OFFICE TOM’S CAR ANN’S HOUSE NBC 4 STUDIOS - “YA’ HEARD WITH PERD SET” CONFERENCE ROOM ANDY’S FRIEND’S VAN PAWNEE TODAY STUDIOS SHOESHINE HALLWAY PARKS AND RECREATION “Media Blitz” [03004] 1. Shooting Draft 05/14/10 COLD OPEN 1 INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE - DAY 1 1 DONNA, APRIL, JERRY, and TOM all try to work as LOUD TYPING and DINGING comes from RON’S office. TOM Someone needs to say something. DONNA I’ll do it. Donna marches over and stops at the door, turns back around. DONNA (CONT’D) He looks so happy! 2 RON TALKING HEAD 2 RON I found this next to the courtyard dumpster -- an old Underwood 5, with original carriage return! Took her home, polished her up, and bought a new ribbon off of Electronic Bay dot com. Ron caresses it lovingly. RON (CONT’D) Damn. That is one sexy machine. 3 INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT OFFICE - LATER - D1 3 Tom, Jerry, April, and Donna are gathered in the bullpen, annoyed, as Ron types loudly. APRIL We gotta do something. I’m getting a cluster headache. JERRY Oh -- look, he’s leaving. TOM Let’s go. Ron heads out into the hallway. They all RUSH IN. TOM (CONT’D) I’m just going to throw it away. He tries to lift it. (CONTINUED) PARKS AND RECREATION “Media Blitz” [03004] 2. Shooting Draft 05/14/10 3 CONTINUED: 3 TOM (CONT’D) No I’m not. It weighs a billion tons. JERRY What’s he been typing, anyway? DONNA (reading) “If you sons of bitches try to remove this typewriter, I’ll kill you.” They all look at each other and SCURRY OUT. Ron walks in with a HUGE STACK OF PAPER. He loads a new sheet. RON (calling out) I’m going to type every word I know! (starts typing) Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Up. Sideways. Monday. END OF COLD OPEN PARKS AND RECREATION “Media Blitz” [03004] 3. Shooting Draft 05/14/10 ACT ONE 4 INT. LESLIE AND TOM’S OFFICE - EARLY MORNING - DAY 2 4 LESLIE sits at her desk, practicing talking. BEN and Tom watch her. LESLIE (very low) I’m Leslie Knope. (higher) I’m Leslie Knope. (very high) I’m Leslie Knope? BEN Just talk like you normally do. LESLIE (too low) Sorry -- I’m nervous. I’ve never done radio before, I don’t know how I’m going to sound. Dammit, now I can’t get my real voice back. (clears her throat) There it is. Thank God. BEN Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but these interviews are more important than we thought. He hands them a document. BEN (CONT’D) Harvest Fest is two weeks away, and awareness is still pretty low. LESLIE (reading) Oh boy. Only thirty-five percent? Okay, well, by the end of the day, we’ll have changed that. BEN ...It’s actually 34.2 percent. LESLIE (high-pitched robot voice) 34.2 -- I’m Ben the Numbers Robot. TOM There it is. That’s the radio voice. PARKS AND RECREATION “Media Blitz” [03004] 4. Shooting Draft 05/14/10 5 LESLIE TALKING HEAD 5 LESLIE We’re doing a huge media blitz to publicize the Harvest Festival. TV, radio, newspaper... I even called Oprah. (beat) I tried to call Oprah. There’s no number for Oprah, even on her website. Even when you click “Contact Us.” Come on, Oprah. 6 INT. LESLIE AND TOM’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D2 6 Leslie, Ben, and Tom. BEN You gonna be okay, Tom? You look tired. TOM I couldn’t sleep last night -- too excited. I get to meet The Douche today! BEN Meet who now? LESLIE Our first interview is at 93.7 FM with Crazy Ira and The Douche. Pawnee’s most hilarious drive-time radio guys. TOM The world’s most hilarious drive-time radio guys. I know it’s crazy to say, but their CD of prank calls is maybe even better than the Jerky Boys. BEN No way. TOM I know. Crazy, right? LESLIE They get huge ratings. I haven’t really heard any other zoo crew morning guys, but I think what they’re doing is really special. PARKS AND RECREATION “Media Blitz” [03004] 5. Shooting Draft 05/14/10 7 INT. RADIO STATION - LATER - MORNING - D2 7 CRAZY IRA and THE DOUCHE, two wacky DJs, are on the air. Their Asian 20-something sidekick, CHINA JOE, handles sound effects. Leslie and Tom stand at microphones and listen in with headsets. Ben stands behind them with headphones. CRAZY IRA You know why I would never be an astronaut? Two words: (echo sound effect) Space farts. Can’t roll down the window on the shuttle, know what I mean? SFX: “Houston, we have a (fart SFX).” THE DOUCHE What do you think, Neil Armstrong? SFX: “That’s one small (fart SFX) for man, one giant (poop SFX) for mankind.” THE DOUCHE (CONT’D) Anyway, let’s switch gears here. Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford, and Ben Wyatt are here to tell us about an upcoming event called “Harvest Festival.” I’m all ears. CRAZY IRA I’m all beers. SFX: A beer being chugged, a burp, and a goat “baaaa.” LESLIE Well, The Douche, it’s a Pawnee tradition where fun meets awesome... meets agriculture. It’s next month, right here in Pawnee. Spoiler alert: it’s going to have the best corn maze ever. CRAZY IRA You lost your virginity in a corn maze, didn’t you, Douche? THE DOUCHE Yeah, to your mom. SFX: Woman having an orgasm, followed by woman’s voice: “Crazy Ira, clean your room!” LESLIE Also, there’s going to be hay rides. (CONTINUED) PARKS AND RECREATION “Media Blitz” [03004] 6. Shooting Draft 05/14/10 7 CONTINUED: 7 THE DOUCHE “Hey, ride me!” That’s what your mom said to me, Crazy Ira. SFX: Rim shot, woman having an orgasm, then the goat “baaaa.” TOM You are a poet, China Joe. China Joe stares straight ahead, blankly. 8 INT. CHRIS AND BEN’S OFFICE - MORNING - D2 8 ANN and CHRIS do calisthenics together. ANN Is this right? CHRIS It’s almost perfect. I don’t feel like your core has maximized rigidity. 9 ANN TALKING HEAD 9 ANN I know it seems like I’m in a cult, but I just enjoy Chris’s lifestyle. And if being in a cult means feeling good 24/7, then give me the Kool-Aid. (then) Kidding about the Kool-Aid. Empty calorie city! 10 INT. CHRIS AND BEN’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - D2 10 April walks in. APRIL Oh. I can come back, if you’re... being weird. CHRIS No, please stay. You are exactly the person I most want to talk to, right at this moment. Ann clocks this. CHRIS (CONT’D) (to Ann) And lunge... (to April) Have you given my offer any more thought? (CONTINUED) PARKS AND RECREATION “Media Blitz” [03004] 7. Shooting Draft 05/14/10 10 CONTINUED: 10 APRIL Yeah. So, what would happen, if I said yes? CHRIS You would work at the statehouse, coordinating my professional and personal schedule. We’d match your salary here and give you a small relocation fee for your move to Indianapolis. APRIL That sounds boring. (thinks) But there’s nothing keeping me here. Do you have internet in your office? CHRIS Yes. APRIL Fine, I’ll do it. CHRIS This is literally the best news I have heard all day. They shake hands. April leaves. Ann forces a smile. 11 ANN TALKING HEAD 11 ANN Unlike April, I still do not know what my future holds with Chris. And it’s starting to bum me out. (beat) I need some more St. John’s Wort. 12 INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS - D2 12 April leaves Chris’s office and bumps into ANDY. ANDY What was that meeting about? APRIL Oh, it turns out Chris is my real dad. ANDY ...I think you’re lying. I think I know what it was about, and you can’t go to Indianapolis. My heart will explode if you leave. (CONTINUED) PARKS AND RECREATION “Media Blitz” [03004] 8. Shooting Draft 05/14/10 12 CONTINUED: 12 APRIL Your heart should have thought about that before your mouth kissed Ann. ANDY (quickly correcting) Ann’s mouth kissed me.