8 Wednesday, March 24, 2010 e FREE-THROW su Is The Humor and Satire Newspaper of Vanderbilt University , X l. Changing what it says up here every issue . since 1886 o V Health Care w w w . t h Reform n e t Passes ... to John Jenkins! Graduating students rejoice: Don’t have to get legit jobs until they’re 25! THISJUSTIN SS Rand to Dock in Somalia: Physics Researchers Survive Derbies for Drag Queens Johnny Depp Fans Rejoice Divide by Zero Error Helping those who suffer for Fashion By: Dan King By: Clay Christain Kidnapping Specialist Academia Specialist By: Brendan Alviani LGBT∑X Specialist Once a year, Rand Dining Hall takes time out of its busy Late last week, Adjunct physics professor Enrico Suave mi- The recession has not been all bad; to cut costs, Sigma Chi schedule of fake Mexican, fake Mediterranean, and awful raculously survived a near-death experience as he came within and Lambda have joined forces to create the most fabulous char- American food, and instead offers its patrons a sampling picometers of successfully dividing by zero. ity event of the year: Derbies for Drag Queens. Now, sororities of cuisine from some distant port of call. This year’s event, “I’m very fortunate to be alive,” Suave said. “Humans have will compete to find various vaudevillian bowlers across campus slated to happen this Wednesday, looks to be the most am- been trying to divide by zero for about a thousand years… May- which will be used to help Nashville’s penilely-bonused feminine bitious yet, as the SS Rand departs for beautiful Somalia! be we should have put more than one drunken night’s thought pop performers dance for dollars. Brothers, sisters, queens and To tease diners, those in charge of the event have been into our experiment.” queers are currently combing the campus like a delicately tossled leaving clues all over the dining hall, all of which point to One of Suave’s lab assistants, Ernest Butterworth, a second- faux-hawk for not just the elusive bowler, but fabulous hats of all only one location. Vanderbilt’s exceptionally intelligent year grad student, described the event: types. So far, they have found 12 bonnets, 8 fedoras, 2 sombreros, student body had no trouble finding the world’s smallest “Well, I fired up the Bunsen burner, and professor Suave 16 punk blonde wigs, 1 packer cheese helmet, and hundreds of volcano, Somalia’s Mt. Garoowe, and well over 49 million reached for the Caesar salad – with his tongs, mind you. Natu- last season’s camo Vandy baseball caps. people have seen the video of Somalian prisoners dancing rally, we were wearing our safety goggles. God only knows what “At first, we were hesitant,” said Sigma Chi brother Chad Chad- to “Thriller.” would have happened if we hadn’t been… After slow roasting derson. “But their articulate, witty and sassy facebook campaign The decision to take the SS Rand to the East African na- the potassium nitrate to about 350 degrees Fahrenheit, I began really convinced us. Boobs and a tinge of unmentionable homo- tion came from Vanderbilt Dining director Camp Howard. titrating the watermelon Smirnoff into a ten-gallon Erlenmeyer erotica? Sign us up.” According to Howard, the evening will highlight the cui- flask. Jake turned on the particle accelerator, and we made sure “We’re really excited to be helping out our sisters/brothers/ sine and the culture of the “Leopard Nation.” to put all seats back in the upright position. confusingly-gendered siblings in need,” AOII sister Kelly Kellison In Howard’s view, diners who come to Rand tomorrow Next was one of the most risky parts. We were driving stick, said. “After all, if there is anyone on campus who can sympathize can expect to enjoy “delicious ghee-fried lamb, tasty So- and we had to pull the choke while going from second gear all with spending all week looking for the perfect accessory in order mali Malawa, and soul crushing kidnappings!” the way to fourth. Almost every legitimate physics journal said to be judged, it’s us sorority girls. It’s like rush all over again.” That’s right. Tomorrow’s menu will feature plenty of all we wouldn’t be able to pull that one off. At that point we thought Lambda spokesperson Larry Ladyson has high hopes that this those famous Somali foods we all love, and lots of the pi- we could do it; we thought we had it… partnership will boost attendance. “You know, there are thou- rate-style kidnappings we all fear. The sample of Polonium was carted off the field, and before sands of students who don’t come to see our lovely ladies [with Upon their arrival tomorrow night, students will be we called timeout, we made sure to adjust the proper level of penises. Ed.] just because of some silly homophobia, but honest- thrown into the “Brig” at the bottom of Rand. Here they Zienkiewicz rays to 69 Kelvin – the final step before letting the ly, this partnership helps show that you don’t have to know the will wait until dining officials can find some friend or fam- computer run its calculations. Professor Suave typed “1/0” into nuances of transgender pronouns to have a good time. Watch a ily member willing to pay their ‘ransom.’ After that, the the command prompt, hit enter and well, none of us really re- part-time accountant with bountiful breasts belt ‘I Kissed a Girl,’ newly free students will be able to head topside and enjoy member what happened after that.” and you’ll never think of Katy Perry the same again. Ever.” a good meal. A large explosion rocked the Stevenson center shortly before However, it’s not all rainbows and beer pong. Other charity or- When asked what would happen if students could not paramedics and firefighters rushed the scene. ganizers, competing for Vandy’s fickle philanthropy dollars, are find someone to pay their ransom, Howard maniacally “I don’t know how anyone got out of that lab alive,” one fire- skeptical. replied, “Oh they should definitely find someone to pay. I man said. “It was as if someone microwaved a box of car bat- “Why are they raising money anyways? I hardly think that ex- don’t think anyone wants to find out what happens if they teries.” tra sequins and boas are more worthwhile than clean water for don’t pay.” The primary source of error is suspected to be faulty Polish earthquake survivors. At least they could’ve made it ‘Derbies for When asked how many international laws the school algorithms. Although none of the scientists were hurt, 50 lab Drag Queens in Haiti.’ would break by kidnapping student diners at Rand, How- rats, 10 monkeys, a test tube and 23 exchange students were “That’s not the point,” countered Ladyson. “The Rainbow ReVU ard cooly responded, “Enough.” reported missing. raises awareness of LGBT issues and the Derby Days does… something. Who knows? It keeps the sorority girls busy.” INSIDETHISISSUE FREE One in Latin Unus Cone Two in Spanish Duo Day! Tricked you Tres Chicken McNuggets Quattor At Ben and Jerry’s Interview with the Pope Quinque 4 6 Uploading all those Picnic’d photos payed off; ...was yesterday. As was Free Pastry Day at Always good Sex Facebook now more popular than Google. Starbucks. There’s always next year? 2 CRAPCRUSTED 3 The Slant - www.theslant.net -March 24, 2010 The Slant - www.theslant.net -March 24, 2010 FROM THE EDITOR Fucked Image Actually Inside This Issue BASTARD CONFESSION: 2 With my sophomore Clockwatching............ year about ¾ of the way through and my editor- FUCKED IMAGES: YES, you can get it crap-crusted...2 ship wrapping up fairly soon, I have to say I have learnt a lot. I have e Slant brings CENTER SPREAD: Do some shit!..........................4-5 discovered that buying you the latest Derby Days clue. more underwear when AROUND THE LOOP: Breakin’ spring and other things. .7 you should really just Enjoy. do laundry is only hurt- ing yourself, Easy Mac EDGAR ALLAN POE: Is alive! . .7 MERYEM DEDE doesn’t have the actual word “cheese” in its name for a reason and most im- THE ARTS: Way better than “The Sciences”. .8 portantly, I have learned the fine art of food scaveng- ing. TOP TEN: It’s always better when we’re together . .8 Last year, my meal plan was a glorious 28 meals a week. I’ll be the first to admit that as a freshman, I lived like a queen. Not only did I feed myself and supplement 2 my upperclassmen friends’ diets off of this plan, but Fucked Image when I went home for the summer I brought a rather large bag of Easy Macs and Izze sodas with me. Fool- ish in my youth, I donated this food. As Cat Stevens said, I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger. This year I am living in McTyeire. This decision has improved my Russian, gotten me really close with my Russian peers and half-starved me. McTyeire’s inflex- ible meal plan has caused me to take up an interest- ing life of conservation (always carry Tupperware, you don’t want to eat the second sweet potato now, but you will later), begging (making those favors from last year pay off) and scavenging. It is this last point that has re- ally gotten me through those particularly meal-sparse weeks. Scavenging, or the art of free food, is one of the untapped secrets of this beautiful Acfee-indulgent campus.