Comfort Objects Where is the love(y)? The fierce, passionate attachment to use a comfort object from time to Not all children will take a comfort children have to their lovies or time. object. But for those who do, it’s comfort objects is not a sign of helpful if parents and caregivers neediness, but security (hence the Young children are very concrete can both respect the attachment and term, security blanket). The object thinkers, and having an object they set some boundaries to ensure it provides the child with a means to can take into the world with them is stays safe and doesn’t become an soothe him or herself. A lovey can a physical reminder that they will obstacle for social relations. become a stand-in for a parent or go “home” again, meaning both the Comfort objects are most helpful caregiver, and it functions as a place and the people who live there. when children are going through or constant in a seemingly ever- Sometimes children choose comfort a transition or trying to relax. If changing world. objects based on touch: a silky adults set them up on a table or binding or fleecy fabric is soothing shelf when children are Infants and toddlers first learn how to finger and stroke. Sometimes comfortable, it will help keep the to soothe themselves with an smell is the most important factor, object clean and safe. As children object, then translate that skill to which explains why children tend get older, you can set limits such as other behaviors without the object. to freak out when we wash their “only for sleeping time” or drop-off Comfort objects aren’t crutches lovies. Other times, children with a caregiver. With pacifiers, the unless they eliminate the possibility associate an object with a favorite sensation of sucking them can lead of other kinds of coping. That’s experience. Some children don’t kids to keep them in long after a usually not true until kids have need an object to cuddle, just a stressful moment has passed, so language and some social skills, favorite picture to look at. adults may need to put them out of which develop between 3-5 years sight and create distractions. of age. Even then, they may need Lovey 911—Dealing with Disasters Further reading Your child vomits/urinates/spills you would look long and hard for them something on his comfort object. if they went missing, because with kids, Give your child and the object a bath it’s all about them! If you have no luck, Knuffle Bunny together, or have him put it in the find a suitable substitute or graduate to by Mo Willems washer and dryer. Offer a substitute, something more age-appropriate if it The Red Blanket “special occasion” lovey or other was time to move on, anyway. by Eliza Thomas privilege. (Procure a spare pronto if you haven’t already!) You and your child’s caregiver Benny and the Binky disagree about how much your child The comfort object disappears. Have needs the item. Kids often have very by Barbro Lindgren your child help you look for it. Ask different needs at home and school. The around at places it might have been left deciding factor should be what’s best Binky and Blankie behind, post signs in the neighborhood, for the child. Compromise about both by Leslie Patricelli whatever. Help your child feel specific situations and time limits. powerful, and reassure him or her that For reprint information, please contact: Gretchen’s House, Inc. 734.761.2576 ♦ www.gretchenshouse.com Ages and Stages — Appropriate Expectations 6—9 months: Some babies this young will show a party or naptime for example), as long as the child is preference for a particular blanket or stuffed animal. usually able to cope with frustration with other means. Objects that smell like parents or home are especially If a child regresses due to a family or life transition, comforting. If you see a preference, buy a duplicate! small doses of comfort object time are an appropriate 12-18 months: Fingering a favorite blanket, sucking a bridge. Spending a little time with a teddy or blanket thumb or pacifier, or cuddling a beloved toy are healthy can help a child feel secure enough to face the new ways for young children to soothe themselves when challenge. Don’t restart pacifiers or bottles once the upset, anxious, or tired. habit is extinguished, however. This infantilizes the 18-36 months: Children want to feel “big” and powerful. child and can make him or her feel less capable rather Many will phase out their comfort objects as they than boosting their confidence. Parents can help acquire speech and other tools for getting their needs children create a special place to keep their lovey safe at met. It’s a good time to start setting reasonable limits on home. Sometimes, a corner of a favorite blanket sewn the use of comfort objects — only for a few minutes at into a coat sleeve or tucked in a pocket can be a great drop-off, then keeping them at home, and eventually help to a child who believes he or she can’t live without limiting them to upset situations or bedtime. it. Just remember that any time a comfort object leaves 3-5 years: Comfort objects used in public can become a the house, it can go missing. This grows more likely as barrier to interaction with other children. It’s perfectly children become more independent and play more normal for children to still feel attachment to toys and places with more people because there are so many blankets and want to include them in their day (a tea more distractions. Isn’t he a little old for that? Sometimes people make judgmental remarks about comfort his or herself is in good shape to deal with the comfort objects that are well-intentioned, but other times inevitable bumps and disappointments of day-to-day life. they’re just thinly veiled insults. Although it’s easy to feel criticized and defensive, it’s important to remember that There are times, however, when these remarks sting the important person in the scenario is your child. If you because they are true. Ask yourself if the child really have considered his or her emotional needs and you needs the object or if it’s merely convenient for you. A believe the blanket, pacifier, or stuffed animal is meeting pacifier is an obstacle for a toddler or preschooler trying those needs without impeding other kinds of growth, you to verbalize his or her needs. If you think your child might should let this kind of remark go in one ear and out the be able to reduce lovey time or forego the object other. It is not a sign of immaturity or neediness to have a altogether, make a plan to help him or her shift to more strong attachment to a comfort object; rather, it can be a developmentally appropriate coping tools. sign of increased self-sufficiency. A child who can Frequently Asked Questions I want my child’s lovey to go into cold storage, for I want my child to have access to his/her comfort good. What’s the best way to do this? With young object throughout the day. Teachers determine access children, a gradual transition (two weeks, perhaps) can based on individual children’s development and help wean them. With verbal children, explain your classroom situations. It’s not practical to allow a toddler reasons and ask the child for ideas. Some kids give their to drag a blanket to the painting easel or playground, for loveys to a younger sibling or needy child. Others prefer example. The blanket would get dirty and interfere with to create a safe storage spot where the item will be play. Sometimes children need the pacifier or object less preserved in case of dire emergency. Take a photo of your when they’re at the center because there are other child with the object. Give your child a “big kid” object or distractions and attachments. Teachers want children to be privilege in exchange for their “sacrifice.” If you do comfortable, too. We won’t deprive a child who’s something ceremonial, make it productive rather than suffering of the only thing that can soothe him or her, but destructive, and avoid melodrama. Kids take their cues we will certainly try other appropriate means to comfort about coping from adults. Without dismissing the loss, children as we help them move towards security and show them that they can move on. independence. © 2000 Gretchen’s House, Inc. No portion of this document may be reproduced without written permission. .