Dedicated to St John the Blasphemist Saint of Freakin‟ Awesome Holy Texts Cover Art by MonkeysInACan aka Captain Chris Taylor, Tigger_the_Wing, and Rev. Rowan Redbeard Table of Contents Proclamations of the Councils of Olive Garden.........................................................................1 Second Announcement Regarding Canonical Belief......................................................................2 Third Announcement Regarding Canonical Belief.........................................................................3 The Old Pastament........................................................................................................................4 The Book of Midgets/Midgits.........................................................................................................5 The Creation of Mankind..............................................................................................................14 A Reading From the Book of Fusilli..............................................................................................15 The Book of Penelope....................................................................................................................17 The Book of Linguini.....................................................................................................................20 The Torahtellini Part 2...................................................................................................................22 The Story of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates...............................................................................25 The Book of Fearsome Pirate Pete................................................................................................30 The Tale of Dave and Kyodai.......................................................................................................39 Darwin‟s Purge..............................................................................................................................42 The Book of Thinly-Veiled Modern Practice Agreements............................................................45 The Random Number of Not Commandments, Suggestions.........................................................47 The Book of Piraticus....................................................................................................................49 A Pasta's Creed..............................................................................................................................52 Ethical Guidelines for Pirates........................................................................................................56 Frequently Asked Questions..........................................................................................................57 Pastalms.........................................................................................................................................62 The Book of ProvHerbs.................................................................................................................80 The Song of Semolina....................................................................................................................88 The Pastalamentations of Father Jerome.......................................................................................95 The Revelations of Auntie Dee Dee............................................................................................100 The Book of Disco.......................................................................................................................103 Pirates‟ Effects on Global Warming............................................................................................105 The Book of Jeff..........................................................................................................................107 The Book of Solipsy....................................................................................................................110 The Book of Emergent Patterns..................................................................................................113 Revelations of St. Jason...............................................................................................................115 The New Pastament...................................................................................................................119 The Acts of the Apastals..............................................................................................................120 The Letter of Tristan the Martyr to the Future Generations of Society.......................................124 The Open Letter of Bobby Henderson to the Kansas School Board...........................................125 An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife.................................................................................128 Muellers 1....................................................................................................................................130 Muellers 2....................................................................................................................................132 Pirate Aaahhhhrrrrr‟s Letter to the Privateers..............................................................................134 First Letter from Edd to the Forum Members..............................................................................137 Second Letter from Edd to the Forum Members.........................................................................138 First Letter from Edd to the Slackers...........................................................................................140 First Letter from Edd to the Partiers............................................................................................143 First Letter from Edd to the Infallible..........................................................................................145 A Letter from ADoS to the Dying...............................................................................................147 The Correspondence of Captain Jeff the Mishunairee and the leaders of Hillel.........................149 The Letter of Captain Jeff the Mishunairee to the Googlists.......................................................152 The Letter of Captain Jeff the Mishunairee to the Rutgers Campus Crusade for Christ.............153 The Sermon on the Mall..............................................................................................................158 Qwertyuiopasd‟s Letter to the Evangelists..................................................................................160 Revelations 1: The Book of Revealed Crapola............................................................................162 Revelations 2: The Revenge........................................................................................................176 The Official Pastafarian Prayer Book......................................................................................181 Final Thoughts from Olive Garden Council-members..........................................................197 Abbreviations for Easy Quotability This listing is not authoritative. If you think a different part of the title would make a funnier citation, then go for it. Proclamations of the Councils of Olive Garden Second Announcement Regarding Canonical Belief..................................2 Announcement, 2 Anc Third Announcement Regarding Canonical Belief....................................3 Announcement, 3 Anc The Old Pastament The Book of Midgets/Midgits........................................................................Midgets/Midgits, Mid The Creation of Mankind.............................................................................................Creation, Crn A Reading From the Book of Fusilli...............................................................................Fusilli, Fus The Book of Penelope.................................................................................................Penelope, Pen The Book of Linguini.................................................................................................Linguini, Ling The Torahtellini Part 2..........................................................................................Torahtellini 2, Tt2 The Story of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates..............................................................Eastern, East The Book of Fearsome Pirate Pete............................................................................Fearsome, FPP The Tale of Dave and Kyodai...................................................................................................Dave Darwin‟s Purge.........................................................................................................................Purge The Book of Thinly-Veiled Modern Practice Agreements.................................Agreements, Agree The Random Number of Not Commandments, Suggestions.................................Suggestions, Sug The Book of Piraticus....................................................................................................Piraticus, Pir A Pasta's Creed..........................................................................................................................Pasta Ethical Guidelines for Pirates...............................................................................Guidelines, Gdlns Frequently Asked Questions......................................................................................................FAQ