"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -Bill Gates, 1981 "Bother," said Pooh, as he saw the mushroom cloud. "Data, I thought you were dead!" "No, Sir. I rebooted!" "Energize!" said Picard and the pink bunny appeared. "Even historians fail to learn from history." -John Gill "Fac meam diem." -Clintus Estvoodicus "Facts are stupid things" -Ronald Reagan "Gilligan, get their phasers." "O. K., Skipper." "Have you lived in this village all your life?" "No, not yet.".... "Help! I've fallen and can't get up." A. Tree "How to Stay Poor and Enjoy it Less" By I.R.S. "I drank WHAT!?" -Socrates "I hate Victor Hugo", said Les miserably. "I think not," said Descartes, and promptly disappeared. "I'm a lawyer." "Honest?" "No, the usual kind." "Is that seat saved?" "No, but we're praying for it." "Lawyer Testing" -- because some things, even RATS won't do "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" "No, let us not go to Camelot. It is a silly place." "NOW" is a point in time that is already gone. "Seek Error" -- Who told it to look for anything? "Stressed" is just desserts spelled backwards. "The LORD is my Shepherd;..." "The world's a theater, the earth a stage" -WS "We are the greatest planet on earth." -Dan Quayle. 'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy. 'Did ya put the cat out?' 'I didn't know it was burning' 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser 'I'll be Bach.' -Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger. 'In closing' is always followed by the other half of the speech. 'Keep the smoke inside.' -- 1st Rule of Electronics. 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' -Hair Club for Men. 'Paid off'? What does that mean? 'Read my lips, no nude Texan's'. What George really said. Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting. 'Wait' is a hard word to the hungry. Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again. -L. Long. *'M ST*P*D -- I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat, an "O" please. **FLASH** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery. *I* didn't do it, the *computer* did it! *IT IS* documented, look under "For Internal Use Only." Warm, Dry, and Fed; That's Life Today is cancelled due to lack of interest! Pardon my driving; I'm trying to reload 0.000666 -- number of the microbeast 0.001501501501501501501501 -- The inverse of the beast. 0.015015 -- reciprocal of the beast 0.587785252 -- cosine of the beast 0.65039 Kbytes -- memory of the beast 0.666 -- number of the millibeast 668 -- Neighbor of the Beast 1 + 2 = 3. Therefore 4 + 5 = 6. 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! 26% of Canadians can't read. The other 92% can't do Math. 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. 3 dreaded words: hard disk failure 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't 3 things occur when you age.. 1) memory goes 2) uh.. um.. 4 food groups: fast, frozen, microwaved, and junk. 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions. 7 1/2 million years and all you can come up with is 42?! - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy 80% success, most of the time. 89.6% of all statistics are wrong. 90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. A 'government subsidy' is getting just some of your own money back. A babe is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase. A bachelor can only chase a girl until she catches him. A bad beginning makes for a good ending. A bad workman quarrels with his tools. A bartender is a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A batter who bats .500 is still out half the time. A big enough hammer can usually fix anything. A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money! -Everett Dirkson A bird in the hand is worth about three Kleenex. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. A blind man is no judge of colors. A blush on the face is better than a blot on the heart. A boy becomes a man when he walks around a puddle instead of through it. A brain is worth little without a tongue. A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week. A cat's purr is the sound of it generating cute. A centipede is an ant made to government specs. A chain is no stronger than its weakest link. A chat has nine lives. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5 A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind. A clear conscience makes a good pillow. A clear conscience is one of the best friends you will ever have. A clear white skin is a girl's best friend, especially if it's ermine. -Emmaline Henly A closed mouth gathers no foot. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A consultant may be defined as an unemployed practitioner. A contented man is always rich. A contented person has learned to accept the bitter with the sweet. A contradiction of terms-The Best of Rush Limbaugh A courageous foe is better than a cowardly friend. A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet. A crate of UZI's, a carton of whiskey...lets go to Disneyland! A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire! A cult is any religion without political power. A cynic smells flowers and looks for a casket. A day without sunshine is like night. A desk is a wastebasket with drawers. A diamond is a chunk of coal that made good. -Classic Crossword Puzzles A dirty book is rarely dusty. A dragon a day, keeps the world away. A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts. A dyslexic agnostic doesn't believe in Dog. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. A failure will not appear until a unit has been shipped. A false friend and a shadow stay around only while the sun shines. A fate worse than death: to be married alive. A father is a banker provided by nature. A fault recognized is half corrected. A feature is a bug with seniority. A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him. A fool and his money are my kind of customer A fool and his money share the same mattress. A fool and his money are soon partying. A fool and his money are my two favorite people. A fool wants to be king. A wise man wonders if he can handle the job. A friend advises in his interest, not yours. A friend is someone who knows me and likes me anyway. A generation which ignores history has no past -- and no future. A Goethe is a steel beam; a Joyce is a wooden one. A good aim is no good if you don't pull the trigger. A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it. A good hug should put a smile in the heart A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame, a little less than his share of the credit. A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial. -Clifton Fadiman A good memory should be like a sieve: the sand should go through and only the best nuggets be retained. -O. A. Battista A good memory does not equal pale ink. A good name is more desirable than great riches. A good organizer is one who is careful to plan ahead. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit. A great idea needs landing gear, not just wings. A halo has only to fall a few centimeters to become a noose. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A highbrow is a person educated beyond his intelligence. -Brander Matthews A hundred thousand lemmings can't all be wrong. A hypocrite is one who sets good examples only when he has an audience. A job is nice but it interferes with my life. A joke never gains an enemy, but often loses a friend. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. A kind heart is of little value in chess. A kiss is a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one. A lecture on time travel will be held yesterday. A liberal's generosity is limited only by your income. A little faith can lift you above your fears. A little knowledge is just that -- little. A little knowledge isn't enough. A little Madness in the Spring, Is wholesome even for the King. -Emily Dickinson A loafer is a man who rests before he gets tired. A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. A lot of us have seen the light, but for many of us it's the one inside the refrigerator.