“SHOULDER TO SHOULDER” (A BIBLICAL BLUEPRINT OF PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE) by Dr. Henry Krabbendam 2009 All rights are reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, except for brief quotations for the purpose of review, comment, or scholarship, without written or oral permission from the author. Home Address: 1301 Aladdin Road, Lookout Mountain, GA 30750. Home Phone: 706.820.0581. Office Phone: 706.820.1560. Fax: 706.820.0672. Email: [email protected] Dedicated To The Daughters and Sons of the Church In the Unceasing Prayer That they will be Better Prepared, And Prove to be More Effective Marriage Partners Than their Parents! 2 “SHOULDER TO SHOULDER” (A BIBLICAL BLUEPRINT OF PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE) INTRODUCTION PART I: BIBLICAL FUNDAMENTALS OF MARRIAGE Chapter 1. Marriage under the Aspect of Creation 1. Essential Equality 2. Functional Difference 3. Basic Blueprint Chapter 2 . Marriage under the Aspect of the Fall 1. Ravaging Effects 2. Judicial Effects Chapter 3. Marriage under the Aspect of Redemption 1. Heartfelt Submission 2. Responsible Love PART II: FOUNDATIONAL PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE Chapter 4. Basic Training and the Marks of a Christian 1. Basic Training 2 Marks of a Christian. Chapter 5. Communication and Problem Solving 1. Communication 2. Problem Solving Chapter 6. The Will of God and the Future Partner 1. The Will of God 2. The Future Partner PART III: FOCUSED PREPARATION FOR MARRIAGE Chapter 7. Assessing the Past 1. God-ward Assessment 2. Man-ward Assessment Chapter 8 . Handling the Present 1. General Organization 2. Personal Interaction Chapter 9. Facing the Future 1. General Organization 2. Specific Planning CONCLUSION 1. Two Scenarios 2. Two Final Reminders 3 “SHOULDER TO SHOULDER” INTRODUCTION “Turning off the Tap or Wiping up the Floor” In short order as well as in blunt language, the objective of this volume is simple. It seeks to present a type of preparation for marriage that will permanently “turn off the tap ” for potential marriage partners that fail to qualify biblically. This is to say, it aims to screen them out, until Scripture gives them its stamp of approval and thereby screens them in. Unless potential partners wholeheartedly embrace this procedure and in advance submit themselves to God's Word as the final determinant regarding their choice of a partner, they are proud and self-seeking. As such they open themselves up to a future that may well require them constantly “to wipe up the floor ” to one degree or another, with or without the assistance of the elders of the Church or marriage counselors, and invariably with the lurking possibility of a God-dishonoring divorce. Whether it is biblically justified or not (Mt. 5:32; 9:19; 1 Cor. 7:10-16), God still hates it (Mal. 2:16). So every prayerful effort must be made to avoid it in total surrender to Scripture, even as far back as the earliest preparation for marriage. To enter into marriage unqualified, let alone disqualified, and without the Bible's “enthusiastic” endorsement constitutes a sin before God that does, and will, evoke his displeasure and his frown. It also does, and will, inflict serious damage upon the potential partners that will adversely impact, if not cripple, them, their family, their ministry as well as the Kingdom for too long and in too many instances. On the other hand, to enter into marriage with the imprimatur of Scripture is an act of holiness and constitutes a delightful event that carries God's smile of approval. Therefore, it also does, and will, hold out the prospect of a life that enriches the partners and makes them prosper in their family, their Church and their society for all of their life in all of its aspects and phases! In short, this volume aims to “forewarn against defeat in order to forearm to victory,” with all that this entails. Let me explain this further in some detail. During the past decades the literature on the subject of marriage has simply exploded, and the number of marriage counselors skyrocketed. The oldest social institution had all the earmarks of deep trouble, with a rapidly rising divorce rate telling only part of the story. It appeared to be disintegrating on the inside through the loss of its biblical substance, and under fierce attack from the outside by the spread of so-called alternate lifestyles. As a result both the written and the spoken word were increasingly marshaled to meet this dual crisis head-on, and to come to the rescue of this pivotal creation ordinance. This is not to imply that the trouble arose suddenly. It merely surfaced with a vengeance in a relatively short time span. Strong undercurrents had already done considerable damage to the infrastructure. Only societal pressure kept the lid on a potentially explosive situation. For a long time divorce carried a social stigma, and was 4 not regarded as a real option. Similarly, alternate lifestyles carried a stigma as well, in fact, an even bigger stigma, and for that reason stayed in the closet. In the decades that led up to the private as well as public breakdown of marriage in the latter part of the 20 th Century, the Church had given little or no concrete substantive or preventive guidance in the area of marriage. Neither had it aggressively come to a well- argued defense of marriage as a God-ordained relationship exclusively between a man and a woman. There is at least a partial excuse for this. For a considerable time it was locked in the battle for the fundamentals of the faith, such as the inerrancy of Scripture, the virgin birth, and the substitutionary atonement. In the process it was, for all practical purposes, fighting for its very life. This absorbed so much of the Church’s time and energy that other areas essential to the vigor, if not viability, of the Christian faith were virtually ignored or shortchanged. Incidentally, something very similar occurs when the relationship between parents is tension filled, and as a result they must spend too much time and energy to deal with their problems. The children are bound to be neglected to one degree or another, and will pay the price of generational injury that from a biblical perspective easily turns them into damaged goods, if not into (potentially) terminal cases! Frankly, to prevent this deeply regrettable, while greatly detrimental, state of affairs from occurring is one of the reasons for the publication of this volume. The quality of a marriage directly impacts the quality of the home, the quality of the home the quality of parenting, and the quality of parenting the spiritual, and therewith eternal, state of the children (Ex. 20:4-6; Deut. 5:8-10). At any rate, while the Church needs to be applauded for waging an uncompromising battle against any and all sorts of liberalism in order to hold on to the central, if not saving, tenets of biblical truth, it was less fortunate that much of its remaining time and energy was often spent on legalistic do’s and don’ts in peripheral issues, which Scripture does not address directly, and therefore should have been left up to the Christian conscience, issues such as smoking tobacco, playing cards, and drinking alcoholic beverages. One only needs to remember the battle that raged around the prohibition issue, which, of all things, precipitated two constitutional amendments in the USA! After it was all over, the Church had used up much of its capital, and was largely left behind as a spent cultural force. As a result it was progressively marginalized and increasingly lost its relevance to society as a whole. Recently compiled statistics eloquently tell the story, which is grimmer than most Christians realize. Thirty five thousand churches were closed during the last decade. All this is not to say that peripheral issues, including watching television and going to movies, should never be discussed. Far from it! After all, there is always the lurking danger that so-called “Christian freedom” is used as a cover-up for “counter-Christian license” (Gal. 5:13). But it is to expose that as a result of the undue, legalistic, emphasis upon these issues, the fundamental twofold task that comprises the Grand Command (Mt. 28:19-20) with which the Church was sent into the world, left lots to be desired. The Church was not exactly on the cutting edge of an alert, vigorous, and organized, evangelistic outreach that covered the national scene (Mt. 28:19a) by methodically filling the streets of city and village alike (Acts 5:28) with its discriminating message (John 3:3, 5; 4:16-18; 8:44; Acts 2:37; 4:12; 7:54; 14:15; 17:6-7; 28:25-27). Neither did it receive a Nobel prize for its vigilant, powerful, and applicatory, preaching, teaching, and exhorting 5 ministry that held professed converts systematically accountable for all of the law of God (Mt. 28:20a).1 In the process the crucial areas of marriage and the family that have an immediate bearing, not only upon the life and growth of the individual, but also upon the fabric of Church and society in general, were affected by the prevailing spiritual climate as well. In fact, they were given scant attention, if not left untouched. The near-total lack of pertinent, substantive as well as defensive, literature on these practical subjects until the 1980’s speaks for itself. It is hardly surprising therefore that both the First and Second World War, and specifically the loosening marital morals, the vanishing taboo of divorce, and the ever bolder attacks upon the biblical institution of marriage that followed in their wake, caught Church as well as society off guard.