HARVEY KURTZMAN'S FAST-ACTING HELP! GUARANTEED MORE HABIT-FORMING THAN ANY OTHER FAST-ADDICTING DRUG For fast, fast, fast relief from blues, boredom and banality, here is a collection of uncensored impudence culled from the crazy pages of HELP!, the star satire magazine. Created by Harvey Kurtzman, the man who brought satire to the man in the street and ele- vated the comic strip to an art form, HELP! pokes think ing man's fun at practically everyone —from Kennedy to Castro, from Tarzan to Tonto, from the typing pool to the status seeker. HELP! milks all manner of sacred cows, kids the pants off movies, TV, pretty girls, Broadway producers, big business, and gives the final proof that levity is the soul of wit. This book is dedicated to: Tony Ahearne Jackie Gleason Tony Palladino Chuck Alverson Norm Glovsky Shirley Peterson Orson Bean Bob Grossman Tom Poston Burt Bernstein Ron Harris Roger Price Bob Blechman Marc Hiesler Larry Richman Ray Bradbury Bill Helmer Ron Rojas Algis Budrys Mimi Hines Mike Rokofi Knox Burger Art Hyde Arnold Roth Sid Caesar Phil Interlandi Mort Sahl Nona Candler Frank Interlandi Stewart Schwartzberg Jack Carter Al Jaffee Rod Serling Harry Chester Will Jordan Jack Severin Paul Coker Milt Kamen David Shaber INTRODUCTION Jack Davis Jan Kindler Jean Shepherd Peter de Vries George Kirgo Robert Sheckley I think it was Sam Goldwyn who, when Hugh Downs Ernie Kovacs Shel Silverstein giving an opinion on "message" movies Jim Durst Nancy Kovack Bernie Shir-Cliff said the following immortal words: "You Don Edwing Bruce Krefting Gloria Steinem want to send a message—call Western Will Eisner Jerry Lewis Dick Van Dyke Union." While I have kept this deathless Jane Mason Will Elder Roy Walters axiom posted in front of me on my bul- Laurie Mathews Don Ellefson Don Watson letin board in Da-Glo, I secretly like to Robert Elliot Gerry Matthews Richard Weckler think I've been that foolish as not to have Harry McDonnell Ed Fisher - Don Wheeler subscribed to Mr. Goldwyn's advice Phil Ford Paul Merta Barbara Wilkin 100%. This collection of 160 pages of Stan Freberg Robert Mertz Max Williams foolishness is chock filled with sneaky John G. Fuller Sylvia Miles Mary Louise Wilson Gerry Gardner Ron Miller Gahan Wilson messages and represents a year of HELP! Bill Murphy from which we have Dave Garroway Jonathan Winters skimmed the cream Jerry Nachman of HELPi's photos and Bill Gelband Jack Wohl cartoons for you Woody Gellman Dawn Nickerson and here's what we've got. Paul Glaser Dean Norman For those of you who remember MAD Who all helped HELP! Magazine in 1952, you will find here the cartoons of Davis and Elder who helped me to shape the original Mad format. You will also see the cartoons or Ed Fisher, one of America's finest cartoon satirists. You will see Coker, Murphy, HARVEY KURTZMAN'S Wilson, Thaler ... all excellent cartoon- ists, current. And we also have great car- toonists past , lite Kley and Leonnec. You'll find Wohl's Wohlnuts. You'll find Milt Kamen and Dick Van Dyke acting in our posed picture "fumet- tis." This exclusive picture -story tech- nique is one we borrowed from Italy where fumetlis (puffs of smoke) have H8LP! been wildly popular for years. And you will find a careful compen- dium of captioned stock shots pains- takingly garnered from vast collections of Hollywood stills, Broadway photos, A GOLD MEDAL BOOK publicity shots, and the wire photo serv- From HELP! Magazine ices of UPI and AP. which is edited by And if we tried to tell you what we've Harvey Kurtzman included from the year of HELP! you and published by should see what we didn't have room for. James Warren As I said in my opening, this is a col- lection of the kind of humor that has foolishly concerned itself with messages. We have tried to be funny too and if while you are reading, you are laughing while you are reading and you are think- ing while you are reading," this little col- lection will have served its purpose. GOLD MEDAL BOOKS FAWCETT PUBLICATIONS, INC., Kurtzman —Harvey GREENWICH, CONN. September 1961 OF AMERICAN PUBLISHERS COUNCIL, INC. Inc. Copyright © 1961 by HELP ! Magazine, Second printing February 1962 All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof. All characters in this book are factional and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely incidental. Printed in the United States of America 1 J smrK DOPGATCHJ—' -L. V^X 11 V^J-J. KLINE BISSELL, AUTHOR ! TO VISIT OZARK KIN . vsi REVISITED "Hillbillu Bdli;-." ccimedl&S . Fresh from his Holly- Ibn iatommen, es tonnte Hiit wood tfiu-mphs and the sensational London open- binaus= and unter die Kegel / ing Of the 11 luteal --comedi. version of his tales, richie+e; oder menu el- den Will Elder Mr.Bissefl will be oiitoi-tamed at the house of his auf-faincMTi tchon f r-if lerteti^f BY Ed Fisher and cousins , Mr. £- Mrs. Shane Bissell.wheia mn. old -fash- menn ein Wagen- ioned covered, dish dinner and a square, dance he Wal, wal, Mean- -Mah DOPGATCH, T ' youngest wall Cousin while, we ben ^ HAVE RETURNED! boy Jeff's fixin' Klinel Ben nigh i-follerin' yore 1 Je suig recidiuus! writer, too. n twenty years sence stories in th' t'be a J Ich bin hyar! 1 Sez he's tryiu' t'win yo done pay us Sat Eve [ suthin' called the' a viait! Post . Free Gonkaor! 'fANKEE m EXCITING FASHION IDEA LA VIE PARIS1ENNE —1900 — THE ANKLE WATCH — A daring proposal to place a time-piece in the buckle of Milady's shoe — GETTING UP "O dear — noontime already." THE COCKTAIL HOUR "Woopsl I think it's time to leave." 11 PENNSy STRIP A short fantasy proving truth is indeed stranger than fiction . especially if you fake it. END II it's ux/ety, -eu we maiMd PO You KMX" mm A <3e«> TUSK'S So MUCH \ It M/B / / III In, me- houmro. / Bttrrvou'r , STEVE 5URRYHNE Princeton Tiger STEVE SURRYHNE that's These ill facts are The thrill of love's a chill warm, but knowledge And through the spaces, breathing stale — and knowledge is but a trembling through and through. truth. Red mouth! Blonde hair! Oh each She ope's her mouth to ask the time Ob heart be still! You have no will. Are faded, faded as you leave She looking right at you! Yes , , , spaces twixt each tooth. her fading voice (a screech). So what, we say, is beauty depends on what's in sight. And who's a dear at fifty feet — close-up may be a fright. * P.S. If you would love the ladies, listen carefully to me Don't put them in a microscope. Don't strip their mystery. True ...by detailed observation, Less interlude— things truer viewed. You both converge. Details emerge This poorly perfumed country now understanding off is won. You swiftly take ber in; from make-up's subterfuge. first-banded, you explore, Yet ignorance breeds mystery 'neath lowered lid, observe the legs You lift your gaze to tilted nose find wrinkles in abundance And a bell dam— sight more fun! . uncomfortably thin. uncomfortably huge. and blemishes galore. -H.K. CIVIL WAR VIGNETTES by Jack Davis Help! presents DICK VAN DYKE, mobile-faced star of Broadway musical "Bye-Bye Birdie", as sports-car-sport of was waving^ 5 You ^^What^M I2waved...M »t ^ car. §» |H1 ' are you S^fayJ in ^^^^ It a a cour- JHb doing? ^Z£Jf • f I^^KJr 4 ' ISBHHIi TENS!? NERVOUS? TIRED? HAD HELP! AND It! LAX see? you're feeling better already .