2013 THE BEST MEN’S STAGE MONOLOGUES 2013 THE BEST MEN’S STAGE MONOLOGUES Edited and with a Foreword by Lawrence Harbison MONOLOGUE AUDITION SERIES SMITH AND KRAUS PUBLISHERS CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that the plays represented in this book are subject to a roy- alty. They are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), The Berne Convention, the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention as well as all coun- tries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional/amateur stage rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. All rights reserved. ISBN: 1575258447/781575258447 ISSN 2329-2695 Library of Congress Control Number: Typesetting and layout by Elizabeth E. Monteleone Cover Design: Borderlands Press A Smith and Kraus book 177 Lyme Road, Hanover, NH 03755 Editorial 603.643.6431 To Order 1.877-668-8680 www.smithandkraus.com Printed in the United States of America CONTENTS FOREWORD 9 Lawrence Harbison AEROSOL DREAMS 13 Nicole Pandolfo AMERICA’S BRIGHTEST STAR 15 Alex Goldberg ANATOMIES (2) 17 Don Nigro APOSIOPESIS 21 John McEneny THE ART ROOM (3) 23 Billy Aronson BABY PLAYS THE BANJO 26 Kimberly Pau THE BAD GUYS 28 Alena Smith BETHANY 30 Laura Marks BLACKTOP SKY 32 Christina Anderson BOB: A LIFE IN FIVE ACTS (2) 34 Peter Sinn Nachtrieb CHECKERS (2) 36 Douglas McGrath THE CHEKHOV DREAMS 39 John McKinney CLOWN BAR 41 Adam Szymkowicz CONSTRUCTION OF THE HUMAN HEART 42 Ross Mueller COURT-MARTIAL AT FORT DEVENS 44 Jeffrey Sweet CRASHING THE PARTY 46 Josh Tobiessen CROSSING THE LINE (2) 48 J. Thalia Cunningham DARK RADIO 52 Colin McKenna DEAD ACCOUNTS (2) 54 Theresa Rebeck THE DUNES 58 Craig Pospisil THE FALLEN 60 Yasmine Beverly Rana THE FUTURE IS NOT WHAT IT WAS 62 Michael Rabe THE GOLDEN AGE (2) 63 Terrence McNally GREAT WALL STORY 67 Lloyd Suh GREEN SOUND 69 John Patrick Bray HIT THE WALL (2) 71 Ike Holter HONKY (3) 73 Greg Kalleres HOUSEBREAKING 78 Jakob Holder HOUSE OF THE RISING SON (2) 80 Tom Jacobson HOW TO GET INTO BUILDINGS (2) 84 Trish Harnetiaux HURRICANE (3) 87 Nilo Cruz IF YOU START A FIRE (BE PREPARED TO BURN) 92 Kevin Kautzman IT IS DONE 94 Alex Goldberg JESUS IN INDIA (2) 96 Lloyd Suh JIHAD JONES AND THE KALASHNIKOV BABES 99 Yussef El Guindi LIFELINE 101 Frank Tangredi LIGHTNING FROM HEAVEN 103 Scott Sickles LIVE BROADCAST (3) 104 John William Schiffbauer THE MAN UNDER 108 Paul Bomba MANNING UP 110 Sean Christopher Lewis A MEASURE OF CRUELTY (2) 112 Joe Calarco MISSED CONNECTION 116 Larke Schuldberg THE MISSIONARY POSITION 117 Keith Reddin MISTER HART AND MISTER BROWN 119 Bruce Graham THE MONEY SHOT (2) 121 Adam Cunningham NEVA 125 Guillermo Calderón (transl, Andrea Thome) THE NORWEGIANS 127 C. Denby Swanson PALOMA 129 Anne García-Romero PILGRIMS MUSA AND SHERI IN THE NEW WORLD (2) 131 Yussef El Guindi PORT OUT, STARBOARD HOME 135 Sheila Callaghan PORT TWILIGHT 138 Len Jenkin THE PRINCE OF ATLANTIS 140 Steven Drukman PRINCES OF WACO 142 Robert Askins RADIANCE 144 Cusi Cram REALLY REALLY (2) 146 Paul Downs Colaizzo RIDE THE TIGER (2) 151 William Mastrosimone ROUNDELAY (2) 153 RN Sandberg SAMUEL J AND K 157 Mat Smart SE LLAMA CRISTINA 159 Octavio Solis THE SOAP MYTH 161 Jeff Cohen THE STEADFAST 164 Mat Smart SUNSHINE 166 Lawrence DuKore THE TAINT OF EQUALITY 167 Duncan Pflaster THE TIGER AMONG US 169 Lauren Yee THIS IS FICTION 171 Megan Hart UN PLUGGED IN 173 Brian Pracht THE VANDAL (2) 175 Hamish Linklater VANYA AND SONIA AND MASHA AND SPIKE 180 Christopher Durang WELCOME TO MY HEAD 182 Sam Bobrick WHITE FIRE/BLACK FIRE 185 Alana Ruben Free THE WHY OVERHEAD (2) 187 Adam Szymkowicz WILD WITH HAPPY (2) 190 Colman Domingo RIGHTS AND PERMISSIONS 193 FOREWORD Here you will find a rich and varied selection of mono- logues for men from plays which were produced and/or published in the 2012-2013 theatrical season. Most are for younger performers (teens through 30s) but there are also some excellent pieces for older men as well. Some are comic (laughs), some are dramatic (generally, no laughs). Some are rather short, some are rather long. All represent the best in contemporary playwriting. Several of the monologues are by playwrights whose work may be familiar to you, such as Don Nigro, Theresa Rebeck, Jeffrey Sweet, Nilo Cruz, Keith Reddin, Willliam Mastrosimone, Terrence McNally and Christopher Durang; others are by exciting up-and-comers such as Nicole Pan- dolfo, Adam Cunningham, Colman Domingo, Peter Sinn Nachtrieb, Ike Holter, Michael Rabe, Paul Downs Colaizzo and Greg Kalleres. Many of the plays from which these monologues have been culled have been published and, hence, are readily available either from the publisher/licensor or from a theatrical book store such as the Drama Book Shop in New York. A few plays may not be published for a while, in which case contact the author or his agent to request a copy of the entire text of the play which contains the monologue which suits your fancy. Information on publishers/rights holders may be found in the Rights & Permissions section in the back of this anthology. Break a leg in that audition! Knock ‘em dead in class! Lawrence Harbison Brooklyn, NY MONOLOGUES AEROSOL DREAMS Nicole Pandolfo Seriocomic Tommy, twenties Tommy tends bar at a go-go joint in New Jersey. He is talking to B.J., a local cop, who has observed that some of the women in the bar have been eyeing him. Tommy is not interested in them, which amazes B.J. TOMMY: I’ve banged so many hot chicks it’s ridiculous. I used to be in a band. MTV2 played our music video like on the hour the whole month of March 2009. We filmed the video ourselves. We did a major tour of New England. Played shows all up in Boston, Providence; even hit up some spots in Connecticut and Long Island. The Jersey Shore scene like mad. Then we started getting the Lower East Side spots, and then we started to really hit people’s radar. (He reminisces a moment.) That was so fucking awesome. Riding the wave of like, imminent success. One of the greatest feelings I’ve ever had. I scored so many chicks. So many hot chicks. Mostly NYU chicks in the city, but they’re kinda worldly, you know, harder to impress. The chicks in New England, it was like, these chicks were dying for a taste of something bigger than what they could get at their local Stop and Shop, and to be banging a future potential rock star just set them off like a firecracker. I haven’t gotten blown with that much enthusiasm since I was 15. (beat) We were . we were so close. Came really close to get- ting a gig with EMI, Sony, Capital. (beat) But fucking Darin. The lead singer. He just, he just couldn’t not be a dick. It was like, he felt like finally, Lawrence Harbison 13 he was getting the recognition that was owed to him or some shit, so instead of being grateful for the opportu- nities he was more like, “fuck all of you for taking so long to notice.” (beat) So he dicked around with Sony; free drinks, free food and then it was “more money or fuck you.” Same story with EMI and Capital and even some smaller labels. And pretty soon our one video got old, our manager dropped us, and no one was left to finance any new songs or set up any new gigs. (beat) And here I am, not playing with a band, tending bar for what will be the 3rd year in a row. So if you wonder why I don’t go ape over all the hot chicks in the bar, it’s because I’ve fucked all the hot chicks already. And they liked me better when I was a rock star. Information on this playwright may be found at: www.smithandkraus.com. Click on the AUTHORS tab. 14 2013 THE BEST MEN’S STAGE MONOLOGUES AMERICA’S BRIGHTEST STAR Alex Goldberg Comic Cecil, late thirties or Early forties, British. Cecil is the host of the TV talent competition America’s Brightest Star, and as part of the show he visits a small town to audition the local librarian who is an aspiring singer. While there he has sex with Amber, the librarian’s assistant with her own dreams of fame. After sex, Amber asks him to rank her performance like he does with singers on his TV show. He refuses initially, but after she says he’s afraid to tell her how good she was, he responds. CECIL: Initially, I found you attractive; at least, attractive for this small town. Even though you dress country and a little trashy, you know how to accentuate the positives. More specifically, and I’m not trying to be rude, but you were hiding your flaws in your legs and ass. And your tits are saggier than I’d expect for someone of your age. That will not bode well when you are older, like 26, 27.