10 LAWS OF BOUNDARIES These laws are based on the concept of the importance of considering our behaviour in order to lead a more mindful, compassionate life for ourselves and for others. When we broaden our understanding of the concept of boundaries, it helps us understand ourselves (and others) better. When we understand, it is easier to change how we do things. The 10 Laws of Boundaries -Excerpted from "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life" Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend. Adapted from the work of McLoud and Townsend: https://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/04ten_laws.pdf 1 TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. Sowing and Reaping 3 2. Responsibility 5 3. Power 6 4. Respect 8 5. Motivation 10 6. Evaluation 12 7. Proactivity 13 8. Envy 15 9. Activity 16 10. Exposure 18 Conclusion 19 Adapted from the work of McLoud and Townsend: https://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/04ten_laws.pdf 2 The Law Of Sowing and Reaping Actions have consequences. If someone in your life is sowing anger, selfishness, and abuse at you, are you setting boundaries against it? Or are they getting away with not reaping (or paying the consequences for) what he/she sowed? 1. Sowing and Reaping: The Law of Cause and Effect. When we behave in a particular way there are consequences: our behaviour has an impact on ourselves and also on others. If we make decisions based on ‘worldly desires’ for example, I want to eat that second piece of cake, drink that third glass of wine, we need to understand the consequences of that. For example, I might carry too much weight, increase my chance of diabetes, have a troubled sleep, on so on. If we do not manage our finances, it will cause problems for us later on. However, if we consider the value of our actions for ourselves and others, our life will be easier. No overeating means a healthier lifestyle and better long term options. Better management of our finances means we can care for ourselves into retirement better. If we are physically and financially healthy, we can better support others. Also, others are more drawn towards us because we can be more loving and responsible and can show our care. Now we can see others who apparently ‘get away with doing whatever they want’ without concern for the consequences. It may not be apparent immediately, but the chickens do come home to roost. Celebrities might seem to live glamorous self-centred lives. Later on they may not look so happy though. Also, we must not confuse their self-promotion with reality – it may be just whatever product they are promoting. Some people don’t reap what they sow, because someone else steps in and reaps the consequences for them. This might sound familiar. Your parents may send you money to protect you from your creditors and thus bear the consequences for your spendthrift ways. You may walk on eggshells around your moody husband, try everything to make him happy, and enable him to have his tantrums as he likes while you bear the entire burden of his moodiness. We may interrupt the effect of this law, just as we can catch a glass that is falling off the table. Yet the law of gravity is not changed by that. And in the same way the Law of Sowing and Reaping is not repealed if somebody interrupts its effect. The only thing that has changed is that somebody else bore the consequences. Adapted from the work of McLoud and Townsend: https://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/04ten_laws.pdf 3 Now there are situations where this has to be the case. Parents may step in to prevent children from a true disaster. Spouses rescue each other out of difficult situations because they love each other. However, if you truly love your spouse, your sons and daughters and so on, you allow them to experience the effects of their irresponsibility. It is unlikely to happen immediately, but eventually the lesson will be learnt. When you no longer enable, you are able to support. If our ‘boundary’ is functional, e.g. doing the washing, cleaning the room, paying a bill, that is relatively easy to identify. It is when we consider the relational sowing and reaping that it becomes more difficult. Do you carry the moods of the person you love? One example is where wives tend to carry the emotional burden for their husbands, without even realising it. The consequences of this can be resentment unconsciously directed to the husband, he may feel a sense of guilt for what he doesn’t know, he might feel a constraint to his freedom as a result. When we sow, so shall we reap. But in either aspect the problem is the same: The person who created the problem doesn’t have to face its effects and thus sees no reason to change it. The spouse who takes responsibility for dealing with the problem does not realize that this problem is not his problem and thus does not say or do anything about it. The solution to this is in the setting of boundaries that can break the cycle. Adapted from the work of McLoud and Townsend: https://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/04ten_laws.pdf 4 The Law of Responsibility We are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other. This law means that each person refuses to rescue or enable another's immature behaviour. 2. Responsibility: In a family we have the responsibility to love and care for each other. We care about the effect we have on each other. Our responsibility to our spouse is higher than all others. Then we have a responsibility to our parents, children and so on. We also have a responsibility towards work colleagues, and all people we have contact with and then beyond. Our religions teach us to love one another and when we do, we fulfil our sense of responsibility – this is being compassionate. Our challenge is not confusing our sense of responsibility and taking on the emotional burden of others. We cannot feel the feelings of those we love. We can’t think their thoughts. We can’t behave for them. We are responsible for ourselves . and others are responsible for themselves. In a family this means that we have to distinguish between our responsibility to each other and their responsibilities for themselves. This means we have to support each other in carrying the heavy burdens of life. On the other hand we cannot take over the responsibility for our family members’ feelings, attitudes, values, and their handling of life’s daily little difficulties. We may help each other, but each person must take care of his and her daily loads. Many people have a tendency to fall into one of the two following extremes. On the one hand, a family member may neglect his/her responsibility to love each other and become selfish and inconsiderate. This is irresponsible. On the other hand, the family member can try to do everything to make the others happy. But this is an impossible task. While one should be sympathetic towards the other, no one can make another happy as long as they do not take on the responsibility for their feelings. Finally, the Law of Responsibility also means that we have to refuse to rescue or enable immature or inappropriate behaviour. Adapted from the work of McLoud and Townsend: https://www.cs.cornell.edu/home/kreitz/Christian/Boundaries/04ten_laws.pdf 5 The Law of Power We have power over some things, we don't have power over others (including changing people). It is human nature to try to change and fix others so that we can be more comfortable. We can't change or fix anyone - but we do have the power to change our own life. 3. Power: When we ask, ‘how do I get my daughter to…?’ (insert husband, wife, son, sister, neighbour etc.), we show we misunderstand what we can and can’t do, or the extent of the power we have to change a relationship. Many of us focus on trying to change the behaviour of others, not ourselves. And we suffer from this. It might seem logical to want to change the behaviour of others so that we can feel better… but this does not work. We do not have the power to make other people change. We have no power over their attitudes and actions. We can’t make them grow up, we can’t stop them from exhibiting a difficult behaviour, and we can’t force them to stop yelling at us or others, or even to initiate a deep conversation with us. We are not responsible for the actions, feelings, attitudes, values, or behaviour of others, and the Law of Power says that we don’t have power over these things anyway. You might want to say: ‘but he made me do it’ or something like that. It is a common argument of people who need an excuse for something that they either knew to be wrong or did not really like to do, but this is an excuse. No one has the power to make us do things against our will. Others can limit our choices and give us compelling reasons to do what they expect from us, but nevertheless we are the ones who choose what we do – and no one else. These are our powers: 1.