20 Great Ways to Raise Great Kids Toni Schutta, Parent Coach, M.A., L.P. Copyright 2013 Toni Schutta ISBN 978-1-62890-187-0 Cover design by Caitlin Proctor, DesignCatStudio.com All Rights Reserved: Brief quotations for review or analysis are welcomed, as long as full attribution is included. For permission for longer quotations or other use, contact the author at [email protected]. Disclaimer The ideas and suggestions in this book are based on personal and professional experi- ences of the author and interviewees. All examples and/or vignettes presented in the book are for educational purposes. The author recognizes that no two family or personal situations are exactly the same. However well intended, no single recommendation or piece of advice can apply appro- priately to every specific individual situation the reader may encounter. The author’s intent is to present a broad range of perspectives, recognizing that some might conflict with others. It is her hope that the suggestions and recommendations will provide alternatives for parents as they grapple with the many complex daily choices they must make. Similarly, suggestions presented in this book are not intended to be a substitute for consultation, evaluation, or treatment with a qualified family or mental health profes- sional of your choice. Each family’s needs, risks, values, and goals are different, and there is no substitute for personalized assessment, treatment, or advice. Since this book is intended for general educational purposes only, and the use of the information is entirely at the reader’s discretion, the author and publisher shall not be responsible for any adverse reactions ensuing directly or indirectly from the sugges- tions presented here, and they therefore specifically disclaim any liability purported to arise from the use of this book. Table of Contents 1. Solutions to the Top 10 Parenting Challenges from Toddler to Teen 23 2. What Values Are You Teaching Your Kids? 45 3. Unplug Your Kids from Electronic Devices 63 4. Are You Overindulging Your Child? 81 5. Raising a Generous Child in a “Me” Culture 99 6. Win the Chore Wars! 117 7. Kids and Sports: Healthy or Overkill? 135 8. Solutions to Five Scary Trends Parents Must Face 153 9. Help Your Child Develop a Mindset for Success 177 10. Better Sleep Equals Happier Kids 195 11. 18 Secrets for Cutting the Family Budget 215 12. Mealtime Dilemmas Solved 235 13. 10 Tips for “Going Greener” as a Family 255 14. Great Ways to Connect as a Couple 271 15. New Year’s Resolutions to Make Your Family Stronger 291 16. Best Back-to-School Tips 309 17. Family Fun Nights: Have a Blast With Your Kids at Home 325 18. Stress-Free Holidays 337 19. Lose the Mommy Guilt for a Happier You 355 20. Are You Accidentally Raising a Wimp? 375 Dedication This book is dedicated to my mom. I’m eternally grateful that you were chosen to be my mom. You epitomized all the best qualities of a mother. Your never-ending love and support fills my heart, even now, with all that I need to flourish in the world. You were a role model of perfect parent- ing. May God hold you in the palm of His hand. Acknowledgments First and foremost, I’d like to thank Mark Pace for his belief in me and my vision for the “Real Parents. Real Solutions.” radio show. Mark, you’re such a positive, enthusiastic, and kind person. Thank you to all my wonderful guests for sharing priceless nuggets of parenting advice on the show and for agreeing to share those nuggets again with readers of this book. Thank you to General Mills for their initial support that helped launch the radio program. Thanks to Annette for providing flawless transcription service. Cathy Reed, thank you for your patience and invaluable editing skills. Wendy Lewis, thank you for your never-ending support. I want to thank Kevin, Taylor and Brianna for encouraging me do some- thing that I love: helping parents create happy and peaceful families so children can experience extraordinary love that lasts a lifetime. You are my treasures. And most of all, thank you to my parents who provided me with endless love and encouragement to follow my dreams. You are present in my heart always. Introduction One summer morning I was standing in my kitchen making a cup of chai tea latte when my cell phone rang. The caller introduced himself as Mark Pace, a producer from VoiceAmerica.com. Mark said that he and his staff had been researching parent coaches and that they were “impressed” with me. He then asked me if I’d be interested in hosting a parenting talk show. I went weak in the knees, stared incredulously at the phone, and thought, “I must be dreaming!” For me, this was a perfect marriage of two of my passions. My first career was in journalism, and I had produced, and at one point hosted, a radio show. Psychology became my second love and I’ve been helping families to be happier for the last 19 years. I gave Mark an enthusiastic “Yes!” In the fall, “Real Parents. Real Solutions.” was launched as an online radio show devoted to helping parents find solutions that work. I had the free- dom to develop the show in whatever way I thought would work best, and I decided to invite experts that I most admired in the parenting field to be guests on my show. I also invited parents that I admired to share their wisdom. No one turned down my invitation. As a parent, I learned so much. As a parent coach, I felt fulfilled, knowing that I was providing parents with practical solutions. As a journalist, I knew I wanted to share this valuable information with a broader audience. My radio show aired for six wonderful months before the expenses grew too burdensome. As I resigned from the show, I knew I wanted to create a book containing these interviews. I’ve selected 20 of the best interviews to share with you and help you raise a child who is loving, confident, secure, responsible, generous, and kind. Some of the topics also cover self-care for you. It’s not a crime to think about taking care of your own needs; in fact, it’s essential that you do. Nor is it selfish to take time with your spouse; it’s critical to the survival of your marriage and the stability of your family to do so. To raise a child who isn’t self-centered, you need to find a balance between your child’s needs and your own. I believe the wisdom collected in this book is invaluable. Experts like Carol Dweck, Ellyn Satter, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Elizabeth Crary, Jean Illsley Clarke, and Michele Borba have each spent decades dedicating themselves to research in their chosen fields. Here, in this book, they share their best parenting advice with you. Devoted parents like Janet Montgomery, Stephanie Severson, Jeanne Burlowski, and Beth Weiss also share practical tips that have been successful for them in raising great kids. Here in this one book, you’ll be able to glean parenting wisdom from 37 individuals. In my work, I’m known as The Parent Coach Who Gets Results. My mission always has been, and always will be, to help others have a happy, peaceful family where children feel extraordinary love and support that will last a lifetime. In this book, my hope is that you’ll find suggestions and solutions that will work for your family. I also invite you to visit my website www.get- parentinghelpnow.com and become part of my parenting community so we can share resources on an ongoing basis. I am delighted to be donating all profits from this book to the Family Enhancement Center. This non-profit organization works to prevent child abuse and to help families that have been affected by abuse to begin to heal. I had the honor of working there as a psychologist, and I can tell you that their mission of educating and supporting parents before abuse happens is invaluable in assuring that children have a stable, loving family so they can flourish. Chapter Summaries 1. Solutions to the Top 10 Parenting Challenges from Toddler to Teen This chapter will provide you with answers to the Top 10 parenting chal- lenges from one of the premier parenting experts, Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions, and NBC Today Show parenting contributor. You’ll receive answers to parenting challenges such as: how to get your child to listen; firming up your discipline; reducing sibling rivalry; helping an angry child; reducing back talk and whining; making bedtime easier; getting homework and chores done; and reducing bul- lying and lying. 2. What Values Are You Teaching Your Kids? We get so busy with the daily tasks of parenting that we may not take a step back and look at the big picture. What values do you want your chil- dren to have so they can be likeable, compassionate, productive adults? Are you making a concerted effort to teach and reinforce those values or just assuming that your children are receiving those messages from you? Richard and Linda Eyre have made it their mission to help parents teach values – through their best-selling book Teaching Your Children Values, instructional materials, media appearances and world-wide speaking engagements. As parents of nine children, the Eyres have taught these values to their own children, and their value-based instructional materials have been shared throughout the world.