FIGURE 1: CANDY HIERARCHY CIRCA 2016 [1] DESPAIR (DC ) NET FEELIES (N F = |JC - DC |) JOY (J C ) -1200 -100-10000 -800 -600 -400 -200 0 #VOTES 200 400 600 800 10001000 1200 THE CANDY HIERARCHY [Any(2012) full-sized candy bar] [2] [Cash, or other forms of legal tender] TOP TIER [Kit Kat] [3] [Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups] [Twix] Superius [Snickers] [Tolberone something or other] Pecunia (caramel, chewy, elegant) [Lindt Truffle] [1] --- Caramellos[2][Peanut M&M’s][3] TOP Layer [4] [Milky[5] Way] [6] [Nestle Crunch] --- Goo Goo Clusters [Butterfinger] [4] [Rolos] [5] QUASI-SILURIAN [Dove Bars] [6] [Regular M&Ms] [Mars] [Hershey's Dark Chocolate] [Reese's Pieces] [Chardonnay] [York Peppermint Patties] [Three Musketeers] --- Mint Juleps [Heath Bar] [100 Grand Bar] Great [Junior Mints] POST-TERTIARY [Caramellos] [7] Mandibular [Skittles] [Mr. Goodbar] [Hershey’s Milk Chocolate] Layer [Hershey's Kisses] [Mint Juleps] (not surprisingly, it’s predominantly chocolate-based) [Starburst] Data was pulled at [Milk[7] Duds] --- Three Musketeers[8] 12:00pm PST on [Nerds] October 28th, 2016 [Whatchamacallit[9] Bars] [Sweet Tarts] [Jolly Ranchers (good flavor)] TotalSECOND number of voters: TIER [Cadbury Creme Eggs] [8] 1232 [Smarties (American)] [9] 11% going trick or treating [Glow sticks] ~0.5% under 15 and going. [Swedish Fish] [10] [Gummy Bears straight up] (oh look, mostly chocolate, just not as good) [LemonHeads] Total number of JOY,MEH, [10] [11][Sourpatch Kids (i.e. abominations of nature)] Mounds --- Tootsie Rolls --- WhoppersPOST-TERTIARY ---DESPAIR Fair Trade data points: Chocolate [Smarties (Commonwealth)] [12] [5] [Mint Kisses][13] Swedish Fish ~120,000 --- Ferrero Rocher [11] [Vicodin] [12] [Licorice (not black)] [13] THIRD TIER [Pixy Stix] [Minibags of chips] [14] [Mike and Ike] THE PETERSEN INFLEX (where J C = DC or NF = 0) [Bottle Caps] [Coffee Crisp] [Lollipops] Post Mastication (the chewy range or, in some circles, the Upper Chewy or Upper Devonian)[LaffyTaffy] [Kinder[14] Happy Hippo] [15] Epoch Candy Corn? [Goo Goo Clusters] IRONIC FRUCTOSE SEDIMENT [15] --- 100[Candy Grand Corn] [16Bar] --- Heath Bar THE MARCELLUS WALLACE CUSP [Now'n'Laters] Candy [16][Reggie Jackson Bar] [Licorice (yes black)] [Good N' Plenty] BOTTOM TIER [Fuzzy Peaches] [17] Pre [Mary Janes] [Bonkers (the board game)] Mastication [Hard Candy] [Dots] Epoch (the Lower Chewy or Middle Crunchy Tart Layer) [Bonkers (the candy)] [Chick-o-SticKs (we don’t Know what that is)] [Necco Wafers] [17][Hugs (actual physical hugs)] [Trail Mix] [Tic Tacs] [18] [18] [18] [Healthy Fruit] Zone of American Smarties --- Chalk ---[Maynards] [Chiclets] [19] Plumbum [Sweetums (a friend to diabetes)] Candy: A Novel of Love and Addiction [Black Jacks] LOWER TIER LOWER [Senior Mints] Banality TIER SO LOW IT DOES NOT[Person of InterestREGISTER Season 3 DVD Box Set (not ON including OUR Disc 4 with hilariousEQUIPMENT outtakes)] [19] [Pencils] [Peeps] [JoyJoy (Mit Iodine!)] [Generic Brand Acetaminophen] TIER SO LOW [Spotted Dick] [20] [Vials of pure high fructose corn syrup, for main-lining into your vein] “Omnes Benjamin R. Cohen and David Ng [20] [21] [21] [Jolly Rancher (bad flavor)] IT DOES NOT [22][Box'o'Raisins] Desperatio” [Creepy Religious comics/Chick Tracts] [21] REGISTER ON [Those odd marshmallow circus peanut things] [Anonymous brown globs that come in black and orange wrappers] [Whole Wheat anything] OUR [Dental paraphenalia] [Candy that is clearly just the stuff given out for free at restaurants] EQUIPMENT Description of footnotes can [Kalebe foundsmoothie] at[22 boingboing.net] [Gum from baseball cards] [White Bread] [23] [Broken glow stick] [24] By Benjamin R. Cohen and David Ng, presented by boingboing.net.