ROSE BLOGGED: 26 March 2015 Sue: I love this version of the theme music. Me: Yeah, nothing encapsulates the mystery and otherworldliness of Doctor Who quite like a brass-fucking-band. Sue: Don’t be daft, Neil. It’s meaty. It’s music that says, “Come on! Let’s have an adventure!” Me: I had a trumpet when I was at school, and yet I never tried to play the Doctor Who theme on it. Sue: Why not? Me: Because it was a trumpet. Sue: Oh, do shut up. This is brilliant. It takes me right back. It takes Sue all the way back to Saturday March 26th 2005 – the last time she saw this episode. For some inexplicable reason, she didn’t watch it over and over again on an endless loop like some people I could mention. Me: Do you remember the first time? Sue: I remember you were basically an over-excited child for about a month. You were unbearable, frankly. Actually, it wasn’t a month, it was more like a year. Do you remember that time you made me pull over on the way to work so you could photograph a billboard on the side of the road? That was a bit much. I remind her that we watched the leaked version of Rose a couple of weeks earlier. Sue: Did I watch this episode twice, then? Me: Well, you were in the same room as me when the BBC broadcast it, so yes. Although we were living in a caravan at the time so you didn’t really have a choice. Sue: And how many times did you watch the other version before it was on TV? Me: Oh, not that many. About a dozen or so. 15 THE HARD ONE: THE WIFE IN SPACE The series begins in Earth’s orbit. Me: Do you get this reference to Spearhead from Space, Sue? Sue: No. Me: Definitive proof that the last four years were a complete waste of time. There are probably more edits in the first 90 seconds of Rose than there are in the whole of The Keys of Marinus. Sue: This is wonderful. It’s pacey and exciting and modern. And I love the music. Russell T Davies is really good at setting things up with quirky musical montages like this. He does the same thing in Cucumber. Oh yes, the Autons are in this one, aren’t they? You see, there’s nothing wrong with my memory; I just remember the stuff I like. In the department store where she works, Rose Tyler heads to the basement to collect some lottery money. Sue: Did you still hate Billie Piper at this point, Neil? Me: I never hated Billie Piper. Sue: Don’t make me laugh. You went crazy when they cast her. I didn’t hear the end of it. How long did it take before you changed your mind? Me: Shut up. Sue: And do we ever find out what happened to Wilson? The suspense is fucking killing me. Rose explores the basement. Me: Do you remember what went wrong here? Sue: Yes, the Autons have invaded the shop. Me: No, I mean, can you remember what went wrong when they broadcast this episode? Sue: Oh yes, Graham Norton. You had a fit. I think you threatened to phone the BBC and complain. Or did I imagine that? Actually, knowing you, you probably wanted me to do it for you and I refused. 16 ROSE Me: Anyway, there’s no point moaning about it now – it’s not as if anything like that will happen again. That would be insane. Rose is surrounded by Autons. Sue: This is proper scary. It was a good idea to bring back the Autons. Because if you know what the Autons are, then it’s really exciting. And if you don’t know what the Autons are, well, then it’s strange and exciting. It’s win-win. The Doctor grabs Rose’s hand and tells her to run. Sue: Bloody hell, even the monsters can run! They never managed that in the old series. Come on, Neil, cheer up! This is brilliant. Me: What do you think of Christopher Eccleston? Sue: What kind of stupid question is that? He’s brilliant, obviously. Me: What about his clothes? Doesn’t it bother you that this is the first time you could cosplay a Doctor by accident? You know, after wandering into a branch of TK Maxx. Sue: It suits him. He’s the hard Doctor. It shows that he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He’s rugged. Like a builder. Me: Colin Baker says he wishes he’d worn an outfit like that when he was playing the Doctor. He reckons it would have made all the difference. Sue: To be fair, a black bin bag would have made all the difference to Colin Baker. The biggest surprise so far is that Sue thinks Keith Boak is a bona fide genius. Yes, I know! Sue: The direction is superb. There are some really clever transitions, especially with the alarm clock. And it’s moving along like nobody’s business. I love it. The Doctor turns up at Rose’s council flat on the Powell Estate. Sue: He’s only just noticed his big ears. Does that mean he’s just 17 THE HARD ONE: THE WIFE IN SPACE regenerated? It’s a shame we never got to see that. Me: We do get to see that. In about eight and a half years. Although we were expecting Paul McGann, not John Hurt, to start sprouting big ears. It’s funny how things turn out. Sue: Oh yeah… He’s just had an adventure with Matt Smith and David Tennant, hasn’t he? It’s hard to get your head around that, isn’t it? It puts a whole new spin on things. Does he remember any of that? Me: No. Sue: Because if he did then he’d know that Rose was important because he’d just seen her. Well, someone who looked like her, anyway. Does that make sense? Me: God, no. It’s probably best if you don’t think about it too much. Sue nearly jumps out of her skin when an Auton’s disembodied arm attacks the Doctor and Rose, and then she laughs like a drain when Jackie Tyler’s hair dryer drowns out the unfolding chaos. Sue: I don’t care what anybody says, Russell T Davies is a fucking genius. Rose wants to know what the hell is going on, so the Doctor fobs her off. Sue: I don’t remember this Doctor being as jokey as this. Did he tone it down for the other episodes, because he’s acting like he’s coked-up or something. He doesn’t even walk like a Doctor. He’s strutting! The Doctor’s mood suddenly takes a serious turn. Sue: Ah, this is the Doctor I remember. This is Eccleston at his best. They were lucky to get him, you know. Rose decides to track the Doctor down and her research leads her to the world’s worst web designer (aka Clive). Me: They missed a trick here. They should have included a scene where Clive showed Rose pictures of all the other Doctors. That would have been nice. 18 ROSE Sue: Yeah, it would have been nice for you, but for someone who hadn’t seen Doctor Who before, it would have done their head in. Although I wouldn’t believe a word this man says, because he can’t Photoshop for shit! Me: Some fans think this proves the Doctor hasn’t regenerated recently, because he’s been to all those other places, like the Titanic and Krakatoa. Sue: Well, they’re fucking idiots. He’s a time traveller so he goes there later. Obviously! Meanwhile, Rose’s boyfriend, Mickey Smith, wrestles with a wheelie bin. Sue: This is all right. I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that, Neil. Have you actually seen Doctor Who before? The bin swallows Mickey… then burps. Sue: Come on, Neil! It’s funny! We’re probably going to have to get used to this over the next 13 weeks, but the only time Sue shows any disdain for the episode is when Rose fails to notice that her boyfriend is now even less realistic than usual. Sue: Rose is a bit thick. There she is talking about finishing her A-Levels and yet she doesn’t seem to realise that her boyfriend has just injected several gallons of Botox into his face. What’s that all about, eh? When the Doctor rescues Rose from Auton-Mickey, the impostor’s hands suddenly transform into… wait for it… giant spatulas. Sue: Well, he’s got the perfect hands for making butter, I guess... Rose enters the TARDIS for the first time. We both agree that this is beautifully done. Sue: Ooh, I just got goosebumps. 19 THE HARD ONE: THE WIFE IN SPACE The Doctor tells Rose that the assembled hordes of Genghis Khan couldn’t get inside his blue box even if they tried (and they have). Sue: Was that a reference to Marco Polo? Was that for the fans? Marco Polo is still fresh in Sue’s mind because she only watched it a few weeks ago. And if you don’t believe me, please buy our new book. Me: So what do you think of the new console room? Sue: I love it.