Modern family Season 2 Episode 09 Haley : So the rate of defusion equals... something.. times the square root of... Something... I give up. Alex : Aw, so close. Haley : Shut up. David : Hey, don't worry. You'll get it. You know, a lot of famous scientists are women. Haley : They're fat, though, right? Claire : Come on, Alex. It's time for your Cello lesson. How's the tutoring going? Alex : Are you familiar with the term "Throwing good money after bad"? Haley : Are you familiar with the term "Dunphy, party of one"? Because you will be. Claire : Girls. David : Haley's coming along really well, Mrs. Dunphy. Claire : Good. Good. Well, the key is to take a lot of little breaks so you don't get frustrated and want to quit. Haley : Got it. Claire : I was talking to David. Come on, Sweetie. Alex : I'm just saying... She's never gonna get a job, and how do we know the right middle-eastern businessman wouldn't treat her great? Claire : I left my shopping list inside. For the record, we thought she could live with you. Alex : Like I'm gonna tell any of you where I live. Claire : Oh. Haley! Haley : What? We only do this when I get one right. Cameron : Momma should be here by now. I wonder what's keeping her. Mitchell : Well, Cam, that depends. Did she take her jalopy or one of them new fancy flyin' machines? Cameron : You know, Missouri is more Cosmopolitan than you give it credit for, Mitchell. It's got a very vibrant cowboy-poetry scene. Mitchell : I'm not sure you're making the point that you think... Cameron : That's her. Come on. Look alive. Look alive. Momma! Barb : Oh, my baby! Oh, my little bomber. Puppy kiss. Cameron : Mwah! Mwah! Barb : Mitchell, get over here! Mitchell : Aah, hey, Barb! Barb : Oh, my baby's baby! How are you? Cameron : Ohh! Oh-ho! Oh, yeah! Cameron : Well, I don't want to overstate this, but my mom is the greatest woman that ever lived. Mitchell : Cam loves his mom. Cameron : She raised 4 kids, 2 barns, and a whole lot of hell. Mitchell : Well, that sounds like a country song. Cameron : And that song would be called "The greatest woman that ever lived." Mitchell : Cam loves his mom. [OPENING CREDITS] Mitchell : From the minute I met Barb, she has been open and loving and... and caring. Barb : Oh, I have missed these shoulders! Mitchell : Ooh...Aah... Mitchell : If I had one complaint... and I do... it's the inappropriate putting of her hands on my body. Mitchell : Hey, Barb. I got you the cranberries you wanted for the stuffing. Barb : Oh, bless your heart. Mmm-mm-hmm! Mm-mm-mmm! Barb : Let me get in there and help ya. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! And a horsey bite. Mitchell : Oh! Barb : This is how I like to cuddle. Mitchell : It's been... It's been going on a long time. Gloria : Jay, you want to go to the mall with me? Jay : No, actually, my stomach's a little funny today. Gloria : Oh, I am so sorry, Papi. Maybe we'll stop first at the crib store, and you lay down, and I buy you a little dress, huh? Jay : Gloria thinks Americans are babies. Gloria : Well, in Colombia, we couldn't go running to the hospital for every little sniffle or dislocated shoulder. Gloria : Okay. Good. 5-6. I serve. Huh? Manny : Jay, what are your symptoms? Nausea, bloating? Gloria : Manny, what did I say about getting off that crazy doctor website? Manny : I'm just worried about Jay. Stomach pains can mean a lot of things... intestinal blockage... Do you have a fever? Gloria : Stop it! Manny, he's fine. Tell him you're fine. Jay : I'm fine. Gloria : Okay, good. Get in the car. Jay : Uh, home fine, not mall fine. Gloria : Jay, you know what happens when I shop angry. Jay : I'll clear a space. Gloria : Mm. Manny : I'm not loving your color. Jay : Go play. Manny : Don't be a hero. Alex : So, dumb guys go for dumb girls, and smart guys go for dumb girls? What do the smart girls get? Phil : Cats mostly. Claire : So, Haley, how long have I been paying this guy to make out with you? Haley : Uh, about a week. First it was just to shut him up, but now I'm starting to like him. Claire : If you really like him, though, you have to break up with Dylan. Phil : What? No! Claire : Believe me... and it's best for everybody if you just do it quickly. Phil : I can't believe we're having this conversation. He's like part of the family. Claire : Trust me... It's the right thing to do. Just end it. Phil : Okay, but be gentle. Boys are surprisingly sensitive at that age. Claire : Water-polo-girl story. Phil : Yes, I'm gonna tell the water-polo-girl story, 'cause it hurt! Okay, so I'm working in the principal's office. She walks in, hair all silver from the chlorine... Tells me she wants her varsity jacket back. I tear up a little, then I tear up a lot. I'm begging, I'm begging... at some point I realize I'm sitting on the button to the high-school intercom system. Yuk it up, ladies. Wasn't funny then, is not funny now. It was traumatic, Haley. Don't do Dylan like Linda "The Cannon" did me. Claire : Oh, honey... That was a long time ago. Phil : I loved her. Claire : Okay. I know. Phil : You know what? Maybe I'll call Dylan after he talks to Haley. He's gonna need someone to lean on. Claire : But that someone should not be his ex-girlfriend's father. Honey, when Dylan is out of her life, he should be out of ours. Phil : You've always hated Dylan. Claire : I have not always hated Dylan. I have always thought that Haley could do better. Plus, the new boyfriend is super smart. Haley : It's done. We broke up. Phil : What?! Haley : I texted Dylan. It's over. Phil : I'll bet that's him. Yep. Sad-face emoticon! You can feel the hurt through the phone! Mitchell : Cam's mom spend half of dinner with her hands all over me. Oh. It was like she was blind and wanted to know what my thighs looked like. Claire : Are you sure? I mean, are you really the best judge of this kind of a thing? You've had boundary issues since you were a kid. Mitchell : I have not! Claire : Okay. Sorry. My mistake. Must be Cam's mom... her issues. Mitchell : What are you doing? Claire : Nothing... Just getting a spoon. Mitchell : Stop it. Claire : Is it bothering you? Mitchell : Yes, it is. Claire : Hey, Mitchell Mitchell : Claire, stop it! Stop it! Claire : Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell... Mitchell : Force field! Claire: That never stops being fun. Mitchell : Good. Listen, this is... This is not in my head, Claire. And it's actually getting worse. Claire : What does Cam say? Mitchell : Well, he never seems to notice. And I certainly can't talk to him about it because God forbid I say anything negative about his mom. One time I added salt to her casserole... And he went into the garage and punched the car. Claire : Okay, Mitchell, if this is happening... and I'm pretty sure it isn't... Mitchell : Thank you. Supportive. Claire : Then you need Cam to see his mom feeling you up and then make Cam deal with it. Mitchell : Ew. Claire : Think about it. Hi, Dylan. Dylan : Hey, Mrs. Dunphy. Mm. Or, I guess, now that Haley and I broke up, I should call you "Claire." Claire : Actually, I think we're gonna stick with "Mrs. Dunphy." Come on in. How are you doing? Dylan : Not so good. I mean, everywhere I look, I see her face. Uhh. Claire : To be fair, Dylan, that is a family portrait. Dylan : I got to go get some of my stuff. Is that cool? Claire : Oh, sure. Yeah. Dylan : There she is again! Claire : Oh, don't look on the bookshelf! You're just gonna... Jay : Hey, kid, you got a minute? I need the name of that medical website. Manny : Can this wait until I'm home? I'm having the round of my life. Jay : I've been thinking, I might have a couple of those, Manny : Uh, I see. You might as well play through. It's gonna be a while. Jay : I mean, I'm probably wrong, but, you know, I just, uh, want to make sure. Gloria : Is that Manny? Jay : Work. So, uh, tell them I'll... I'll get that order out this afternoon, huh? Manny : Did she buy that? Because it sounded fake on this end. Jay : I'll talk to you later, Tom. Tom. Gloria : Mm. Phil : Dylan! Oh, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan. Dylan : Hey, Mr. Dunphy. Phil : Hey, now that you guys are broken up, you can call me whatever you want. Phil, Vitamin p., P. Daddy. Dylan : Okay, Phil. Phil : Okay. I'm gonna miss that bad boy. When I forget my own axe, sometimes I come in here and noodle on it. Actually, I've been writing a little song of my own. Might be able to pluck out a few... Dylan : You know, I keep on hoping that this is just a dream, that Haley and I didn't really break up.