The library of Dry wit. “Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply Callisthenics with words.” Dorothy Parker DRY AS A BONE Wit like a good Martini is best served dry, as the great Noel, Oscar and the Big WC have often demonstrated with their wise words and observations. Dry wit is peculiarly British, subtle, clever and sophisticated in it’s form, often requiring you to be equally subtle, clever and sophisticated to appreciate it. A definition… Dry wit is hard to define, To some it could be seen as sarcastic in a shrewd, impersonal way, while others may describe it as, sharp, sardonic, withering, elitist, biting, rewarding or even quaint. Whatever your own view though, it always seems to tell us as much about the person brandishing the wit, as their subject matter, while at the same time portraying a kind of truth that most of us would, having once heard the words, wish we had had the foresight to utter such originality. So take succour from the wit of others, for in their words lies wisdom. Menu Arts & media Business & Money Food & drink Language & education Law & literature Family life Men, women & relationships Politics & religion Science & medicine Behaviour Nationalities Sport General genius Arts & media Abstract art is the product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled, to the utterly bewildered. Al Capp If it sells, it’s art. Frank Lloyd Jeff Koon’s work is the last bit of Methane left in the intestine of the dead cow that is post-modernism. Robert Hughes She has a look of a woman who has just dined off her husband. Laurence Durrell on Mona Lisa Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. Tom Stoppard Acting has been described as farting about in disguise. Peter O’Toole People are wrong when they say that opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what is wrong with it. Noel Coward Fashion is merely a form of ugliness so unbearable that we are compelled to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde quoted in Richard Ellmann’s Oscar Wilde. She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when. P.G. Wodehouse Never trust a man, who when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on. Billy Connolly I always say beauty is only sin deep. Saki Television? Television is for being on, dear boy, not watching. Noel Coward No opera plot can be sensible, for in sensible situations people do not sing. WH Auden Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. Ernie Kovacs There is no bad publicity, except an obituary notice. Brendan Behan Barbara Cartland’s eyes were twin miracles of mascara and looked like two small crows that had crashed into a chalk cliff. Clive James Glenda Jackson’s face could launch a thousand dredgers. Jack de Manio Freedom of the press is limited to those who own a newspaper. AJ Liebling She would be a nymphomaniac if only they could calm her down a little. Judy Garland Awards are like haemorrhoids; sooner or later every asshole gets one. Fredric Raphael I’ve done my bit for motion pictures – I’ve stopped making them. Liberace I improve on misquotation. Cary Grant Tell me, how did you love my picture? Sam Goldwyn The only memorable character in Kubrick’s films over the past twenty years is Hal’s computer. Pauline Kael A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestine of a dead cat. Ambrose Bierce I write music as the sow piddles. WA Mozart The bagpipes are the missing link between music and noise. EK Kruger If laughter is contagious, then my son has found a cure. Les Dawson’s mother I saw the play under adverse conditions – the curtain was up. Robert Benchley ‘Waiting for Godot’ is a play in which nothing happens, twice. Vivian Mercer The impact of the play was like the banging together of two damp dishcloths. Brendan Behan My agent gets ten percent of everything I get, except the blinding headaches. Fred Allen Then play was a great success but the audience was a disaster. Oscar Wilde Robert Mitchum does not so much act as appoint his suit at people. Russell Davies There is less in this play than meets the eye. Tallulah Bankhead What is ‘Uncle Vanaya’ about? It’s about as much as I can take. Roger Garland I can take any amount of criticism, so long as it is unqualified praise. Noel Coward What is this play about? It’s a bout a great deal of money. Tom Stoppard I go to the theatre to be entertained. I don’t want to see rape, sodomy, incest and drug addiction. I can get all that at home. Peter Cook My reputation grows with every failure. George Bernard Shaw One of the first and most important things for a critic to learn is how to sleep undetected at the theatre. William Archer They are going to dig up Shakespeare and dig up Bacon; they are going to get Beerbohm Tree to recite ‘Hamlet’ to them, and the one which turns in his coffin will be the author of the play. WS Gilbert An actress is someone with no ability who sits around waiting to go on alimony. Jackie Stallone Actresses are another kettle of bitch. Gilbert Harding Scratch an actor – and you’ll find an actress. Dorothy Parker A fan club is a group of people who tell an actor that he is not alone in the way he feels about himself. Jack Carson Some of the greatest love affairs I have known involved one actor, unassisted. Walter Mizner Sarah Brightman couldn’t act scared on the New York subway at four o’clock in the morning. Joel Segal Edith Sitwell is like a high altar on the move. Elizabeth Bowen I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now – I’m booked. Georges Burns A plagiarist is a writer of plays. Oscar Wilde You can tell how bad a musical is by the number of times the chorus yells ‘hooray’. John Crosby Business and money I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor. Francois Rabelais Money is the poor man’s credit card. Marshall Mcluhan If you want to know the true value of money, go and try and borrow some. Benjamin Franklin A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. Samuel Goldwyn The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an on coming train. Robert Lowell It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money. WC Fields Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. Herbert Hoover Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen His insomnia was so bad; he couldn’t even sleep during office hours. Arthur Baer Today’s payslip has more deductions than Sherlock Holmes story. Raymond J Cvikota God has mercifully withheld from humanity a foreknowledge of what will sell. Bernard Miles There are three ways to loose money: on horses, women and engineers. Horses are the easiest, women the most fun and engineers the fastest. Rolf Skar A billion here, a billion there and pretty soon you’re talking about real money. Everett Dirksen I’d like to rich enough so I could throw away the soap when the letters have worn off. Andy Rooney My formula for success is rise early, work late, strike oil. Paul Getty I worked my way up from nothing to extreme poverty. Groucho Marx I started out with nothing. I still have most of it. Michael Davis The three most beautiful words in the English Language are ‘find cheque enclosed’. Dorothy Parker I have climbed the ladder of success, wrong by wrong. Mae West Lack of money is the root of all evil. George Bernhard Shaw Well, we can’t stand around here doing nothing, people will think we’re workmen. Spike Milligan I love deadlines. Especially the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. Douglas Adams Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. Evelyn Waugh To be clever enough to get all the money, one has to be stupid enough to want it. G.K. Chesterton Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde There’s no money in poetry, but then there’s no poetry in money, either. Robert Graves People don’t resent having nothing nearly as much as too little. Ivy Compton- Burnette Money can’t buy poverty. Marty Feldman The difference between English and American humour is about $150 a minute. Eric Idle Success is a great deodorant. It takes away all your past smells. Elizabeth Taylor The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes Food & drink etc The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age. Lucille Ball Eat at this restaurant and you’ll never eat anywhere else again! Bob Phillips I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. George burns No one goes to that restaurant anymore – it’s too crowded. Yogi Berra I’m on a grapefruit diet.