NOTE TO USERS This reproduction is the best copy available. ® UMI Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission. Reproduced with with permission permission of the of copyright the copyright owner. owner.Further reproductionFurther reproduction prohibited without prohibited permission. without permission. YOU COULD PROBABL Y DO BETTER By Ryan Davidson Submitted to the Faculty of the College of Arts and Sciences of American University in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Master of Fine Arts In Creative Writing Chair: E.J. Levy / j/lA — L John Liderkin Dean ot the college or Arts and Sciences Date 2007 American University Washington, D.C. 20016 AMERICAN UNIVERSITY LIBRARY Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission UMI Number: 1452739 INFORMATION TO USERS The quality of this reproduction is dependent upon the quality of the copy submitted. Broken or indistinct print, colored or poor quality illustrations and photographs, print bleed-through, substandard margins, and improper alignment can adversely affect reproduction. In the unlikely event that the author did not send a complete manuscript and there are missing pages, these will be noted. Also, if unauthorized copyright material had to be removed, a note will indicate the deletion. ® UMI UMI Microform 1452739 Copyright 2008 by ProQuest LLC. All rights reserved. This microform edition is protected against unauthorized copying under Title 17, United States Code. ProQuest LLC 789 E. Eisenhower Parkway PO Box 1346 Ann Arbor, Ml 48106-1346 Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission. YOU COULD PROBABLY DO BETTER BY Ryan Davidson ABSTRACT You Could Probably Do Better is an original collection of fiction and non-fiction that investigates the world of dull, not especially attractive, and tragically unhip white males. They are the young men that you don’t notice in subway cars, or the guys that can’t think of anything clever to say at the bar The) are a generation of men reaching adulthood, and learning that the image of white middle-class America they were raised on is quickly going bankrupt at the start of the twenty-first century. They struggle with shifting gender roles, economic stratification, and social pressure to “succeed,” as they attempt to shape meaningful identities for themselves, but more often find themselves clinging to the past, and facing their future with a shrug and some thinly veiled self- criticism. Finally, the collection’s title in no way reflects the author’s opinion of the work. ii Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS First, a monstrous thank you to John Elderkin and E.J. Levy, together you are the Cadillac of thesis committees. Second, thank you to my family, you all get four stars. Third, if there were to be a zombie apocalypse 1 would want these people in a bunker with me: Sara Richmond, Steve Nantier, Op, Hulk Hogan, and although he has already been thanked once, my brother. Here is a long list of other people and organizations that merit thanks: Pedro Arrupe, Arrape Revenge, Curb, Nobou Uematsu, Karen Fish, Evan Pickering, Michael McDonald, Robert Heinlein, McSweeny's, Seth Miller, Peter Molyneux, Patchy, Guapo’s, SUNY Stony Brook, George Gonzalez, Mike Buitrago (you can’t kill a zombie with a coffee table), Peter Gallagher, Apple Retail R068, Rocky Kooney, Madhavi Menon. Erik Dussere, Twisting Nether - Alliance (ftw), Lee K. Abbott, Blizzard Entertainment (for teaching me how to write an overly verbose acknowledgement page), Greg Kasavin, Richard McCann, Andrew Holleran, Myra Sklarew, and all the children that had their birthday cakes stolen by Gene. Finally, there are no zombies in this thesis, but only because I did not want to encourage the undead. As much as I love speculating about a zombie apocalypse. 1 dearly hope we never see one. iii Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission. TABLE OF CONTENTS ABSTRACT....................................................................................................................................ii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.........................................................................................................iii Stories EL NINO WALKS INTO A BAR...................................................................................... 1 HOW TO STAY LONG, HOW TO STAY STRONG.................................... 3 SWEAT................................................................................................ 16 MEN FOR HIRE.......................................................................................... 29 THERE AND BACK ......................................................................................... 49 HOW TO PRETEND PEOPLE IN PORN AREN’T FAKING ................................57 MARK FINNEY MUST DIE ............................................................................................75 iv Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission. EL NINO WALKS INTO A BAR El Nino walks into a bar and orders a scotch and soda. The bar is mostly empty. A priest, a nun, and a rabbi are sitting at a table near the back. The priest is counting in a low voice, “sevenhundredandseventeen- sevenhundredandeighteen.” Above the bar an old Sony Trinitron is tuned to the Weather Channel. A lady reporter with well-articulated cheekbones is indicating how El Nino is likely to cause a slight, almost imperceptible shift in ocean temperatures between San Diego and Fresno. The time in the comer is 11:46 AM. El Nino is developing a nasty habit of getting drunk before noon. The bartender picks up the TV remote. He has an eye patch and a nametag that reads: Louis. The remote makes a sticky sound as it tears free from the dark walnut bar. The priest is still counting. Louis changes the channel from weather to football. “Wait,” says El Nino. “That was the good part.” “The good part of the weather?” El Nino feels a little embarrassed. “El Nino is much more dramatic in the Southern hemisphere,” he explains. Louis looks unconvinced. 1 Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission. 2 “El Nino is not even real,” says a man with a small dog sitting further down the bar. “A1 Gore made it up.” El Nino takes a long swill of his scotch, cradles his chin in his hands, and stares miserably at himself in the mirror behind the bar. “Eighthundredandthirtytwo-eighthundredandthirtythree.” “What’s his story?” El Nino asks, gesturing to the counting priest. Without turning from the game Louis says, “He comes in every Sunday. He is searching for God in prime numbers.” “Has he ever found him?” Louis nods, “Twice.” “What happens then?” “Mostly high-fives,” Louis says. “That’s a fellow with concrete goals,” says the man down the bar. On TV the crowd erupts as the announcer calls #17, the quarterback. “Must be nice,” El Nino says, and then he orders another drink. He is waiting for weather news at halftime. He is waiting for someone to notice him. He is waiting to be appreciated. And that’s the joke. Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission. HOW TO STAY LONG, HOW TO STAY STRONG When your buddy says, “I’ve got a killer penny stock,” try to remind yourself that he is a cokehead. Act interested, but not too interested. Listen to him ramble on about “inverted teacups,” “margin,” and “mass marketers.” Nod your head and pretend like these terms actually mean something. When he pulls you across his apartment, boots up his old nicotine-stained iMac, and calls up a graph from Forbes, look at it closely. Make dramatic motions with your eyebrows. Tell him that the graph certainly looks promising. Go home. Fire up your web browser and head for Yahoo! Finance. Type in the stock’s symbol and press the button marked “Get Quote.” Note that the stock has made a twenty percent gain in the last three days. Don’t be jealous when you realize that your buddy made one thousand dollars last week for sitting on his ass and playing XBox. Remind yourself that you have no money to invest. When your stomach starts doing nervous flip-flops, go eat the leftover Domino’s in the fridge. Spend the rest of the night researching online brokerage firms. Just in case. When your buddy Instant Messages you on Monday morning asking if you are “in,” act nonchalant. You are still thinking about it. You have your money tied up in other places: mostly your underwear drawer and a cup of change in the kitchen. Pretend that you are a financially responsible adult and that your entire paycheck doesn’t go to 3 Reproduced with permission of the copyright owner. Further reproduction prohibited without permission. 4 credit card debt and punishing your liver. Wonder why the hell you care what your cokehead friend thinks about your personal finances, When he writes back, “John got in this morning on the dip,” resist the urge to respond “Good for fuckin’ John.” Instead think about asking him whether or not it is still a good time to buy in. Don’t actually ask. It will make you look like a lemming. Instead just let the cursor blink on the screen. Wait for him to write, “Get in soon man. This thing is going to the mooooooooon!” Note that some of the “O’s” have been replaced with yellow