C HAPTER 4 RELATIONSHIPS AND THE SELF: EGOSYSTEM AND ECOSYSTEM Jennifer Crocker and Amy Canevello Most social scientists assume that people are funda- Crocker & Canevello, 2008, 2012b;ASSOCIATION Crocker, mentally self-interested, that they do what they Olivier, & Nuer, 2009). We first describe this perceive to be advantageous to themselves (Miller, system in general terms that apply to most, if not all, 1999). Unsurprisingly, this view pervades research types of relationships. Then, because romantic rela- on the self, in which people are depicted as self- tionships are the focus of a great deal of interest and enhancing and self-protective, seeking validation research, we describe the principles of romantic and affirmation, and taking credit for successes but relationships driven by egosystem motivation. dodging blame for failures. Perhaps more surprising, We next describe an emerging alternate view, in this view also pervades a great deal of research on which people have the capacity to transcend self- relationships, which presumably involve shared interestPSYCHOLOGICAL and care deeply about people and things bonds between people and feelings such as close- beyond themselves, which we call ecosystem motiva- ness, caring, affection, or love. Many researchers tion (Crocker, 2008; Crocker & Canevello, 2008, assume that people in relationships, as in the rest of 2012b; Crocker et al., 2006). In relationships, their lives, are fundamentally self-centered and people driven by ecosystem motivation seek to pro- self-serving. In this view, people want to AMERICANbe in rela- mote the well-being of the relationship partner not tionships to promote their own ends, ©they use rela- out of selfish motives to obtain benefits in return, tionship partners to satisfy their own needs, and but because they care about the partner or because they sacrifice and compromise in relationships to both people care about the well-being of someone or keep their relationship partners happy so they can something beyond themselves. We describe this per- continue to reap benefitsPROOFS the relationship brings spective in general terms and then consider the prin- them. Being desired, idealized, and accepted by ciples of romantic relationships from the ecosystem another person are peak relationship experiences, perspective. We consider factors that predict which whereas being unwanted, criticized, or rejected are set of principles—those of the egosystem or those of ultimate downers. the ecosystem—will best describe a particular rela- Although this view surely describes many rela- tionship at a particular moment. We then suggest a tionships at least some of the time, we believe that it number of issues for future research. is at best incomplete and at worst wildly misleading as a depiction of the self in relationships. In this UNCORRECTED SELF AND RELATIONSHIPS MOTIVATED chapter, we begin by articulating the self-centered BY THE EGOSYSTEM view of relationships that dominates much research and theory on relationships and the self. Consistent The egosystem is a motivational system centered on with our previous work, we call this orientation to the self; in this system, people are primarily con- relationships egosystem motivation (Crocker, 2008; cerned with ensuring that their own needs are met http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/14344-004 APA Handbook of Personality and Social Psychology: Vol. 3. Interpersonal Relations, M. Mikulincer and P. R. Shaver (Editors-in-Chief ) 93 Copyright © 2015 by the American Psychological Association. All rights reserved. BK-APA-HPS-V3-131232-Chp04.indd 93 18/01/14 2:28 PM Crocker and Canevello and their desires satisfied (Crocker & Canevello, anger, fear, sadness, and happiness are self-referent; 2012a). The important quality of relationships in in the egosystem, one might feel anger at being the egosystem is that people strive for benefits that treated unfairly by a relationship partner, fear of a flow to the self from relationship partners. In this relationship partner’s negative judgment, sadness system, people are not particularly concerned about about the loss of a relationship partner, and elation others’ well-being. Accordingly, people with egosys- or joy when obtaining desired outcomes from a tem motivation in relationships prioritize their own relationship partner. needs and desires over those of other people. They At the same time, relationships in the egosystem are self-involved, focusing on what being in the tend to elicit ambivalent feelings. Because people in relationship or the quality of the relationship says this system tend to have a zero-sum view of relation- about them, in their own eyes and in the eyes of ships, positive events for the self are assumed to others. They aim to maximize their gains and mini- have negative implications for relationship partners, mize their losses in the relationship and in their and vice versa. Thus, relationships in the egosystem interactions with relationship partners. They tend to inherently put people between theASSOCIATION proverbial rock view outcomes as zero-sum in nature, such that and a hard place, because although people want satisfaction of the needs and desires of one person outcomes for themselves, they or the relationship must necessarily come at the expense of others may pay for the cost this extracts from others. (Crocker & Canevello, 2012a). Consequently, relationships in the egosystem tend In this system, other people matter only if they to involve feeling afraid, conflicted, and confused can potentially satisfy or thwart one’s own needs (Crocker & Canevello, 2008). and desires. To the extent that others matter, they Note that in the egosystem behavior is not com- are viewed as an obstacle to be overcome or as a pletely selfish; people sometimes sacrifice or give to means to an end. In this system, people do not their relationshipPSYCHOLOGICAL partners. The important question expect others to care much about their well-being is why. In this system, people give, sacrifice, and for its own sake. They feel at the mercy of relation- support relationship partners as a loan or an invest- ship partners because they must induce others to ment, to obtain something in return from the part- help them get their needs met (Crocker & Canev- ners (Van Lange et al., 1997). They might give ello, 2012a). Accordingly, when people are driven expecting their partners to reciprocate, as when by egosystem motivation, they attempt to controlAMERICAN people say “I love you” to get the other person to say others through persuasion, negotiation, ingratiation,© it in return. They might trade, giving in one area to manipulation, or intimidation (Crocker & Canev- obtain what they want in another area. They might ello, 2012a). In interpersonal contexts, they typi- give to keep their partner from leaving, to induce cally have self-image goals; that is, they try to get feelings of gratitude in their partner, to become others to view them as havingPROOFS desired qualities, and indispensable to their partner, or to create a bank of as not having undesired qualities, so that others will favors or good will they can draw on so their selfish give them what they want. They focus on proving behaviors do not destroy the relationship and there- themselves to others and obtaining validation that fore the benefits they obtain (Batson, 1979; Murray, relationship partners recognize their positive Aloni, et al., 2009; Murray, Leder, et al., 2009). In qualities (Crocker, 2008; Crocker & Canevello, the egosystem, people might sometimes give and not 2012a; Crocker et al., 2009). want their partner to reciprocate because they prefer Because relationship events in the egosystem to hold the moral high ground and be seen as the implicateUNCORRECTED the self, emotions in these relationships good person in the relationship. tend to involve high arousal. Acceptance and valida- Paradoxically, egosystem motivation in close tion from relationship partners elicit self-conscious relationships does not necessarily result in increased emotions such as pride and boosts to self-esteem, benefits for the self, in part because relationship whereas rejection and criticism elicit shame or partners appear to sense the selfish intentions humiliation. Furthermore, basic emotions such as behind giving in the egosystem (Crocker & Canevello, 94 BK-APA-HPS-V3-131232-Chp04.indd 94 18/01/14 2:28 PM Relationships and the Self 2008, 2012a). In general, egosystem motivation with the self or are included in the self but because may lead people to adopt relatively short-term and people who are separate and distinct and who have narrowly self-interested perspectives in their rela- their own needs and desires nonetheless influence tionships. Thus, in the egosystem people may not each other’s well-being. The needs and desires of think about the long-term consequences of their others are just as important and valid as the needs behaviors for the sustainability of relationships and desires of the self. This does not mean that in over time. the ecosystem people treat everyone equally, feel responsible for satisfying everyone else’s needs, or necessarily expend significant amounts of effort, RELATIONSHIPS IN THE ECOSYSTEM expense, or time to ensure that everyone else’s needs Although people often care about satisfying their are met. own needs and desires without regard for others, In the ecosystem, people care about others’ well- they also have the capacity for empathy, compas- being and assume that at least some other people sion, and generosity motivated by caring about the care about their well-being forASSOCIATION its own sake (Crocker well-being of others (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2010). & Canevello, 2012a). In this system, people trust Although selfish motives underlie some altruistic that their own needs will be met in collaboration behavior, people sometimes genuinely care about with their social environment, not as the result of an others’ well-being (Batson, 1998; S. L. Brown, exchange of benefits or a successful investment but Brown, & Penner, 2012; Mikulincer & Shaver, because others care about their well-being. Conse- 2010).