Fighting for Pleasure and Questioning Norms Young Dutch Women’s Stories on Sexual Desire and Pleasure Barbara Oud 3940608 RMA-thesis Gender and Ethnicity Supervisor: Dr. Christine L. Quinan Second reader: Dr. Eva Midden May 4, 2015 Acknowledgements While writing the conclusion of this study my mind wanders to an evening three years ago, when I visited the information night of the RMA Gender and Ethnicity at Utrecht University together with my mother. I think back of the enthusiasm the RMA sparked in me and of how much I learned ever since. I loved it and hated it. The RMA itself and writing this thesis in particular can be characterized as an incredibly difficult, exhausting and gruesome process with the most amazing feeling at the finish line. I did it; I conquered. Of course, I did not do so all by myself. I had help, a lot of help, from many different people. First and foremost, this study only exists because of all the women that were willing to share their stories with me. I am incredibly thankful to all of you and I am sorry that space and time restrictions resulted in me getting to know only a few of you. I am extremely grateful for the teachers that crossed my path during the RMA program, among which Dr. Kathrin Thiele, Dr. Eva Midden, Dr. Domitilla Olivieri, Prof. Dr. Rosemarie Buikema and Dr. Gaston Franssen. Dr. Iris van der Tuin, you are an awesome mentor. You asked me the right questions, gave me perfect advice and the confidence to believe in myself. Dr. Christine Quinan, although we met later in the process you were a great supervisor and it is thanks to your help that I made it this far. Also, I want to thank my fellow students, for letting me experience the RMA with you. Iris Weges, thank you for your love, your stories, and for being my everlasting ‘women’s sexuality friend’. Sanne Winchester, thank you so much for editing my work and for helping me remember why this study is so important. I am incredibly indebted to my parents, Gert and Yvonne Oud, whom I want to thank for loving me. Tom Oud, thanks for all those times you asked me with that big smile whether I had already, finally, finished my thesis (and also whether I had started sporting). Here it is, right in front of you. Julia Oud, thank you for being the most amazing sister in the world; you will always be my best friend. As if writing a thesis is not traumatic enough, I drastically changed my life in the process. I fell in love with an amazing man and became ‘stepmom’ to his daughters. Sanne and Manouk Windig, the hugs and kisses I received after every episode of studying helped me through it. Obviously, last is everything but least; I want to thank my partner Nico Windig. Thank you for loving me, for caring for me, for supporting me, for picking me up whenever I fell, for drying my tears, for ordering me to keep going and for telling me when to stop. Thank you for sharing your life with me, for desiring me, for letting me desire you, and thank you, for the best sex ever. Barbara Oud Purmerend, May 4, 2015 Table of Contents Introduction – Sexually Free but Silenced 1 1 Methodology – Gathering Stories 15 1.1 Inviting Women 15 1.2 The Survey 17 1.3 Analysing Stories 21 1.4 Influencing Outcomes 23 1.5 Ethical Questions 26 2 Repressing Desires 29 2.1 Exploring Stories 29 2.2 The Women 30 2.3 Ivy 33 2.3.1 Desiring Intimacy 33 2.3.2 Weird, Dirty and Shameful 34 2.4 Noor 35 2.4.1 The Importance of Context 36 2.4.2 Rape Myth 37 2.5 Heather 40 2.5.1 Good Stories 40 2.5.2 Social Fears 41 2.6 Madelyn 42 2.6.1 Discovering Pleasure 43 2.6.2 Body Image 43 2.7 Concluding Remarks 46 3 Questioning Norms 49 3.1 Saar 49 3.1.1 Realistic Body Image 50 3.1.2 Decreasing Desire 52 3.1.3 Over and Covert Norms 53 3.2 Alex 53 3.2.1 Fulfilling Fantasies 54 3.2.2 Discovering Subcultures 54 3.3 Simone 55 3.3.1 Masturbation 56 3.3.2 Switching of Senses 57 3.3.3 Vibrating Belly 58 3.4 Ruby 59 3.4.1 Pain 59 3.4.2 Developing a Sexual Self 60 3.4.3 Body as Buddy 63 3.5 Concluding Remarks 63 4 Narrating Pleasure 65 4.1 Chloe 65 4.1.1 Desiring to See 66 4.1.2 Being Sexual 67 4.1.3 Teenage Taboo 68 4.2 Daphne 69 4.2.1 Traditional Mother 70 4.2.2 Daily Life Experiences 71 4.2.3 Body Language 72 4.3 Jasmin 73 4.3.1 Disciplining Power 73 4.3.2 Source of Energy 74 4.4 Hazel 76 4.4.1 Secret Sexuality 77 4.4.2 Women’s Orgasm 78 4.4.3 Positive Teaching 80 4.5 Concluding Remarks 80 Conclusion 82 Bibliography 86 Appendix 1 Survey 91 Appendix 2 Survey Responses Daphne 94 Introduction – Sexually Free but Silenced Today, men and women are often understood as equally sexually free. At least this is the case when following dominant discourses concerning (female) sexuality (Milnes 2004). Although female sexuality was regulated and controlled in Victorian times, this changed in Western societies since the start of the nineteenth century. These changes are often narrated either as an evolutionary or as a revolutionary process. When considering these changes in evolutionary terms, Victorian regulations were gradually replaced by a more liberal and permissive understanding of sexuality based on autonomy and individual choice (Milnes 2004). According to the revolutionary narrative these changes did not occur gradually, but as a result of fights fought by feminists; they fought and overthrew social norms repressing sexuality and thereby they created a sexually free and liberal society (Milnes 2004). While women fought for the right to vote during the first wave of feminism, they fought for economic and sexual liberation during the second wave. In the Netherlands this led to the contraceptive pill becoming available in 1964 and abortion being legalized in 1981; as such sexuality and motherhood were separated. Women gained authority over their own bodies and started developing their sexual selves (Wouters 1995). Today feminism is often considered as part of the past in the Netherlands; women’s emancipation is completed and therefore feminism has become unnecessary (Meulenbelt and Römkens 2015). In line with this idea, the taboos that repressed women’s sexuality in the past 1 are considered to have been broken. This statement can be justified by the pervasive role of sexualized imagery of women in today’s media; we continually encounter images of women’s sexual and nude bodies in media, which is understood as proving that women’s sexuality is no longer repressed or considered taboo. However, when considering the intrinsic messages of this imagery it becomes apparent this conclusion is too simplistic (Milnes 2004). While some aspects of women’s sexuality and pleasure are commodified, others remain repressed (Jolly et al 2013); while women’s bodies are sexualized and women are taught to be sexy, their own sexual desires, feelings and needs are silenced. Although the processes of evolution and revolution have increased women’s ability to develop their sexual selves, the level of freedom women have and experience in choosing the sexual encounters and relationships they desire can be questioned (Milnes 2004, 153). The double standard concerning sexuality for boys and girls results in different routes to sexual maturity (Tolman 2005[2002]). Before the rise of the bourgeoisie in the eighteenth century sex was not aimed at allowing women to experience sexual pleasure, because this would jeopardise men’s control of their posterity (Vanwesenbeeck 2011). This stance resulted in the persisting cultural norm that ‘good’ women’s sexuality is fundamentally reticent, subservient and vulnerable. The double standard that still influences contemporary society assumes that sexual desire is inherently male and active, while women’s role is to be the tempting, passive object (idem). In effect, girls and women are meant to be desirable but are not allowed to desire, meaning that they have to be sexy without being sluts. As a result of these norms, engaging in (casual) sexual encounters can have negative consequences for girls and women (Milnes 2004). Not only do women and girls risk physical consequences such as pregnancy and contracting sexually transmitted diseases, they also risk important social consequences, including being labelled as ‘slut’ or ‘bad girl’ (Tolman 2005[2002]). While such risks of having sex loom large for girls, having (casual) sex is tolerated for boys and men (Milnes 2004). In this discourse characterised by a double standard and contradictory messages, girls and women are to develop a healthy sexual self. Developing a healthy sexual self is so important because sex is one of the core elements of life. It is not only important for reproduction and thereby for sustaining human life, it is also a means to fulfil human needs by allowing for instance for closeness, pleasure and love (Rutgers Nisso Groep 2009). In order to develop a healthy sexual self, girls and women must have the opportunity to develop their sexual subjectivity. This involves, among other things, developing one’s identity as sexual being and understanding oneself as entitled to sexual pleasure (Tolman 2005)1.