The Secret to a Friendly Divorce Your Personal Guide to a Cooperative, Out-of-Court Settlement J. Richard Kulerski, J.D. and Kari L. Cornelison, J.D. ©2009, 2016 J. Richard Kulerski, J.D. and Kari L. Cornelison, J.D. All Rights Reserved No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means - graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system - without the written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. The Secret to a Friendly Divorce About the Authors Mr. Kulerski is a divorce trial lawyer with over 40 years of courtroom experience. He is a staunch advocate of the newer non-court settlement techniques which save divorcing spouses both money and time. Kari Cornelison is an experienced trial lawyer, mediator, and collaborative law practitioner. She has been in the trenches of divorce law since 1996. Page 2 The Secret to a Friendly Divorce Table of Contents Opening Statement 10 They Don't Give Us Divorce Lessons...............................................................................11 Our Plan for Your Divorce...............................................................................................11 Chapter 1 - We Can Work It Out 14 Why Can't We Just Settle the Divorce Ourselves?.............................................................15 An X-Ray of the Problem................................................................................................17 Just the Facts, Ma'am.........................................................................................................19 We've Been Using the Wrong Fork...................................................................................20 Chapter 2 - Who Stole the Cow? 22 Lead Us Not Into Litigation.............................................................................................23 The Brutal Truth...............................................................................................................24 The Way We War.............................................................................................................25 Call Your First Witness....................................................................................................26 Chapter 3 - Divorce Court Is No Place For a Divorce 30 Habeas Court-less.............................................................................................................30 Our Bottle of Nitroglycerin..............................................................................................33 What is Cooperative Divorce Law? ................................................................................34 What the World Needs Now............................................................................................34 Chapter 4 - Keeping Your Divorce Friendly - The Eleventh Commandment 36 Never, Ever Fight Back....................................................................................................37 The Three Major Things..................................................................................................38 A Little Change Might Do You Good.............................................................................39 Silent Might......................................................................................................................42 Never Put Your Mouth Where Your Money Is................................................................43 Chapter 5 - Shake Hands & Come Out Negotiating 46 Let's Make a Deal..............................................................................................................46 Irritable Spouse Syndrome...............................................................................................47 Define a "Reasonable" Spouse............................................................................................48 Does It Really Take Two to Tangle?...............................................................................49 Page 3 The Secret to a Friendly Divorce Don't Cut Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face..................................................................50 Chapter 6 - The Courthouse Door 52 If You Build It, They Will Calm......................................................................................52 Make Up Your Own House Rules....................................................................................55 Take the Pulse..................................................................................................................57 Chapter 7 - The Blinding Power of Perspectives 59 Who Gets a Raw Deal - Men or Women?.......................................................................60 Why Should I Care What My Spouse Thinks?................................................................61 Are There Really Two Sides to Every Story?..................................................................62 The Boulder......................................................................................................................63 Getting Around the Boulder.............................................................................................64 Heart and Soul..................................................................................................................65 Chapter 8 - Emotions: Disturbing the Peace 65 Jack of All Tirades...........................................................................................................66 Blamer v. Blamer.............................................................................................................67 Cat Should Get Your Tongue...........................................................................................68 The Six Miracle Words....................................................................................................69 Minimum Rage.................................................................................................................70 Post-Romantic Stress........................................................................................................72 Full Court Stress...............................................................................................................72 The Weary Traveler.........................................................................................................74 Peace by Peace.................................................................................................................75 The Peace Academy.........................................................................................................75 Chapter 9 - Language & Listening:Now Ear This 78 As the Word Turns...........................................................................................................78 Non-Friction Diction........................................................................................................79 He Said, She Said.............................................................................................................80 The Speakers of the House - Getting Your Spouse to Open Up......................................81 He Hears Me, She Hears Me Not.....................................................................................83 I'm All Ears.........................................................................................................................84 Knock Three Times..........................................................................................................84 Friendly Persuasion..........................................................................................................86 Hear-Say...........................................................................................................................89 An Ear for an Ear .............................................................................................................90 Hearing Aids.....................................................................................................................91 Chapter 10 - The Obstacle Course - Nine Invisible Hurdles & How to Jump Them 94 One Spouse Wants a Divorce, One Doesn't.......................................................................94 Take This Deal and Love It..............................................................................................96 Page 4 The Secret to a Friendly Divorce You Won't Find Feelings on a Spreadsheet.....................................................................99 You Started It.................................................................................................................101 Divorce Papers Are Scary..............................................................................................103 You Can't Spend a Pound of Flesh..................................................................................104 Incoming! Incoming!.....................................................................................................106 Cogito, Ergo Sue 'em ......................................................................................................108 Trust or Consequences...................................................................................................110 Chapter 11 - What To Do When - Eleven Specific Situations & Curveballs 112 1: Who Should Make the First Offer?............................................................................112 2: When Your Spouse Pushes for a Ball Park Number