Same-Sex Wedding Guide A Resource for Same-Sex Couples and Ministers from the Unitarian Universalist Association’s Office of Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Concerns ©2004 Unitarian Universalist Association Office of Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Concerns 25 Beacon Street; Boston, Massachusetts 02108 (617) 948-6475 http://www.uua.org/obgltc Table of Contents Introduction...................................................... 1 Service Components........................................... 3 Six Services........................................................ 6 Partnership Contract....................................... 25 A Resource for Same-Sex Weddings Page 1 Until very recently, marriage was more about the worth of goats than it was about love. By this I mean that for much of human history, marriage has been an economic arrangement. Love, despite the forward thinking nature of one William Shakespeare, would not become a true part of the equation until a couple of hundred years ago. For most of human history, women were considered more like property and subordinates than equals to men and marriage was an arranged matter. Then a peculiar experiment that really hadn’t been tried before happened a couple of hundred years ago. Many were sure it would not last and that the idea was dangerous. The idea was democracy. The experiment happened in the newly formed United States. The idea was so scary to many colonial conservatives that they returned to England or fled to Canada. With the advent of voice and choice in people’s lives--as well as inventions like the bicycle, telephone, and automobile, which allowed for people to meet one another more easily--it is not surprising that the institution of marriage changed, paralleling the women’s civil rights movement. More and more, marriage has become about love, commitment, people taking care of one another, and supporting each other as equals and partners. As marriage became about love, it also became more exclusive—and exclusively heterosexual in appearance. Gays and lesbians, who had previously made a commitment to each other, now found themselves being taught that marriage wasn’t about economics and procreation, but about love. And they were being excluded from marrying people for the purpose of love. Yet society placed a greater value on love. We became a society where today, falling in love holds a high value. People were taught the importance of love and those who would fall in love with someone of the same sex slowly began to organize. Organizations like the Mattachine Society and the Daughters of Bilitis began taking initial steps toward full equality for gay and lesbian people in the middle part of the 20th Century. In urban centers, bars for gay and lesbian people provided places for people to meet. Despite harassment, threats, stereotypes, shame, and fear, many people began to find someone of the same sex to love. A new civil rights struggle emerged. Since 1969, great strides have been made in many places for the equal rights of bisexual, gay, lesbian, and transgender people. In 1993, the struggle for marriage equality began significantly in Hawaii, where the Hawaii Supreme Court ruled that denying same-sex couples the right to marry was unconstitutional. Hawaii citizens responded by amending their constitution to keep same-sex couples from marrying. Alaska followed suit and amended their state constitution as well. In 1999, Vermont’s Supreme Court ordered the legislature to end discrimination against same-sex couples in the state. In July of 2000, civil unions began in Vermont. In 2003, the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled that same-sex couples must have the right to marry. On May 17th, the fiftieth anniversary of the Supreme Court ruling of Brown v. Board of Education which ended segregation in public schools, same-sex couples will be permitted to marry in the state of Massachusetts. Civil same-sex marriages have happened in Oregon, San Francisco, and New Paltz, New York. Lawsuits are pending in other states. Marriage is bursting out all over. Love, so far, is winning out. Unitarian Universalism has long been at the forefront of civil rights for bisexual, gay, lesbian, and transgender people. Our support dates back to 1970, and many of our clergy have been performing religious weddings and holy unions for several decades. In 1996, the General Assembly of the Unitarian Universalist Association voted to support marriage equality for same-sex couples. Seven of the fourteen plaintiffs in the Massachusetts case identify as Unitarian Universalists. The UUA’s Office of Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Concerns has worked to support our congregations, clergy, and the couples in this work. In the late 1980s the Office published a Planning Guide A Resource for Same-Sex Weddings Page 2 for Same-Gender Services of Union guide for ministers and couples with sample ceremonies. In 1996, the Office produced a Premarital Counseling Guide for Same-Gender couples. Now the Office has updated its guide for same-sex weddings and unions in this latest offering. The services offered here could be samples to use or modify for weddings, whether by the couple or the minister. These are services that have been done by Unitarian Universalist ministers and couples who have graciously offered to share their ceremonies with the Office of Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian and Transgender Concerns and now with you. This guide is available through the Office and on the UUA website, www.uua.org/obgltc, as is the Premarital Counseling Guide. Should you have services of your own that you would like to share, please send them to the Office. These, or any inquiries you may have, can be directed to [email protected]. The services contained in this resource are not so much the rule for services as they are a place to start. Names have been changed or omitted in each service. OBGLTC trusts that between this information and your own training, expertise, and care, Unitarian Universalism will provide a meaningful service to the world as we join same-sex couples in weddings, civil unions, and/or holy unions. Thank you for making such a difference. Sincerely, Rev. Keith Kron Director, OBGLTC UUA A Resource for Same-Sex Weddings Page 3 gathered here today this: do you who know and Service components care for _____ and _____ give them your blessings now as they enter into this new Address. relationship, and do you promise (in the days and It is written that the greatest of all years ahead) to give them your deepest love, things—the most wonderful experience in the understanding, and support during both good times world—is love. _____ and _____ and bad? If so, say “We do.” (Congregation into your lives has entered a deep and nurturing responds in unison). love, and you have asked [this Unitarian Universalist congregation/me as a Unitarian —Scott W. Alexander Universalist religious leader] to help you celebrate and affirm that love. The Pronouncement We would call your love partnership a Wedding/Civil Union/Holy Union, for wherever Pronouncement I there is love, [God/that which is holy] abides there also. For as long as men and women have walked With this community on the earth, there have been some human beings who affirm and honor it, who have shared their deepest expression of love I say that these friends are joined in a union with a person of the same gender. Our faith that is both recognized and cherished tradition, Unitarian Universalism, has grown to by God and by this community. recognize the validity and beauty of that special Let all others respect the threshold of their home. way of loving, and strives with others to overcome the prejudice and fear about it in our society. It is Pronouncement II our hope that one day all true love partnerships may be legally recognized and fully affirmed. By the authority of Life Itself (and the state of _____ and _____, you have honored us by Massachusetts/Vermont), inviting us to witness your commitment to each by the life that fills and surrounds us other in holy union. May your love grow sure and and that strong and true in the days and years of your reaches toward another for fulfillment shared life together. and to share deeply, —Scott. W. Alexander And by the day given to us to live And by the cycle of seasons through which The Blessing (before exchange of vows) our lives must pass The ceremony in which we are all now in change participating is a bold, even revolutionary act. As you all know, many in our society do not yet By the love of friends that honors and supports recognize the validity and worth of the this loving relationship and Wedding/Civil Union/Holy Union we today By the hurts and pain through which your lives celebrate and affirm, indeed many are openly have passed alone, hostile to two persons of the same gender who By the long and sometimes lonely struggle of our decide to commit their lives to one another. We people for the freedom to love, [hope/pray] that someday men who love men and women who love women will no longer feel the And by the delight and hope you have found in scorn of some. But in the meantime, we can each other express the joy and approval which we feel for _____ and _____ as they give public recognition I say that you are united in a covenant to the love they feel for each other, and the and I pronounce you legally married/religiously commitment they freely make to one another this married/joined in a civil union. day. Let me therefore ask those of you who have Let all respect the threshold of your home. A Resource for Same-Sex Weddings Page 4 I congratulate you.