As I said to Michael Jordan just last week, I never name drop myself. ~ Anonymous I’m an idealist: I don’t know where I’m going but I’m on my way. ~ Carl Sandburg I’d like to tell you some jokes now, but you’d only laugh. ~ Milton Berle It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. ~ Mark Twain I was told to be accurate, be brief, and then be seated. So I promise I shall be as brief possible - no matter how long it takes me. ~ Willard Pearson Once you get people laughing, they’re listening and you can tell them almost anything. ~ Herb Gardner You can live to be a hundred, if you give up all the things that make you want to live to a hundred. ~ Woody Allen As one cat said to another: Birthdays are like fur balls - the more you have, the more you gag. ~ Marla Morgan Looking fifty is great - if you’re sixty. ~ Joan Rivers For weeks I’ve been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something. ~ Tanya Noe He’s so old his social security number is two digits. ~ Brian Morgan My health is good; it’s my age that’s bad. ~ Roy Acuff I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. ~ George Burns At eighty-eight, how do I feel when I get up in the morning? . Amazed! ~ Ludwigh von Mises Of all the things I miss, the thing I miss the most is my mind. ~ Lotus Wienstock After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. ~ Bette Midler Pushing fifty is exercise enough. Sometimes I feel that I’m not just aging . I’m decomposing. ~ Fletcher Anderson You know you’re getting old when you stoop down to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there. ~ George Burns The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you’ll grow out of it. ~ Doris Day When I think of my dad as a little boy, I tend to think of him in black and white. The secret to longevity is to keep breathing. ~ Sophie Tucker People who have the most birthdays live the longest. ~ Jean Bucher Age is mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. ~ Satchel Paige There are three signs of old age: loss of memory. I forget the other two. ~ Red Skelton To what do you attribute your advanced age? Well, I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I have not died. ~ Sir Malcolm Sargent I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. ~ Albert Einstein When Julia Child was asked to what she credited her longevity, she replied, “Red meat and gin.” I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do. ~ Phyllis Diller You know you are getting older when “happy hour” is a nap. ~ Gray Kristofferson You’re only young once, but you can always be immature. ~ Dave Barry I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. ~ Winston Churchill If anything happens to me, tell every woman I’ve ever gone with I was talking about her at the end. That way, they’ll have to re-evaluate me. ~ Albert Brooks I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. ~ Woody Allen The other night, while lying on the couch, I reviewed the high points of my life, then fell asleep. Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. ~ Mark Twain The trouble with life in the fast lane is that you get to the other end in an awful hurry. ~ John Jensen Ninety percent of living is just showing up. ~ Woody Allen The best way to get praise is to die. ~ Italian proverb If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson I do not believe in the afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. ~ Woody Allen Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody Allen Death is just nature’s way of telling you to slow down. ~ Dick Sharples Life is not a dress rehearsal. ~ Rose Tremain I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. ~ Woody Allen Everybody’s got to die sometime. That’s life. ~ Archie Bunker Committee: A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours. ~ Milton Berle An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less. ~ Nicholas M. Butler Nothing in fine print is ever good news. ~ Andy Rooney Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up - because they are looking for ideas. ~ Paula Poundstone After being on the road so much I want to spend more time with my family, who I hear are wonderful people. ~ Howie Mandel Don’t be humble. You’re not that great. ~ Golda Meir Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. ~ Mark Twain I succeed him; no one could replace him. ~ Thomas Jefferson The man whose conscience never troubles him must have it pretty well trained. Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. ~ Mark Twain A person’s reputation is a mixture of what his friends, enemies, and relatives say behind his back. The motto in the workaholic Silicon Valley is: “Stop for lunch and you are lunch.” I often feel like the director of a cemetery. I have a lot of people under me, but nobody listens. ~ General John Gavin .