C2 The Orion I October 16, 2002 Top 10 '70s funk Don't follow these 'Rules' artists of all time Let me first start with this gerous situations and one-night stands. In one of many writer/director, Avary, actually co-wrote "Pulp 1. Parliament disclaimer: I am, in fact, a twen- pointless inner monologues, Sean describes himself as Fiction" with Quentin Tarantino, everyone wanted to Our nation is under his groove and all of tysomething college student, an "emotional vampire" stalking his next drunken believe that "The Rules of Attraction" could have just today's rappers agree. and whatever this says about the bimbo "victim" for the night. a piece of that same delightfully sinister edge and state of our nation, I am not all It feels like the actor must have been desperate to wicked sense of humor that made "Pulp Fiction" the 2. James Brown that shocked by or unaccus¬ play any role that countered his television cult classic it is. personality The godfather of soul sure makes us feel tomed to sexual and in drug refer¬ order to demonstrate his range and Ellis wrote "American versatility. Psycho" as well. As anyone good, da da, so good, da da, cause we've got ences, cursing, etc., in movies Instead, "The Rules of Attraction" gives us a sneering who saw the movie adaptation of "American Psycho" him, da da da daa. or elsewhere. Therefore, I do sociopath whom we can't buy as either the bad-boy knows, while it is graphically violent, the director has not consider myself hypersensi¬ hunk every other character wants to be with, or, under¬ that sarcastic, light-handed touch to make the movie 3. tive to what Sly and the Family Stone some might neath the tough-guy facade, the earnest what it is protagonist supposed to be: a witty, bold commentary on Tonight: Sly and the Family Stone... without instantly call "shocking." I who falls in love. the trappings of greed and self-idolization. Sly. Come on Sly, really, try showing up to your appreciate art for art's sake and, The lead female character who Sean supposedly What own if it's Avary forgets to do with "The Rules of shows for once. necessary for the integrity of the story, then by falls in love with is Lauren, played with a refreshing Attraction" is give us at least one character we can all means, shock me and make it worth it (i.e. the lack of self-consciousness by the gorgeous, gamine¬ find some semblance of a connection with in order to 4. Stevie Wonder mesmerizing "Requiem for a Dream"). like Shannyn Sossamon. form a concern and interest for the story and where He That said, director just wants to thank all the beautiful peo¬ Roger Avary's adaptation of a Her character is definitely the most (if only) lik¬ it is going. novel ple for all the beautiful things and all the by Bret Easton Ellis, "The Rules of able character in "The Rules of Attraction," but Rather than offer any kind of emotional sub¬ beautiful... Attraction" is such a vulgar, repulsing, depressing unfortunately we never really get to know her stance, Avary gives us clever camera and mess. The editing only thing that kept me in my seat was enough. It becomes disturbing when the one charac¬ tricks such as showing a scene in fast backward 5. Wild that I had to review it later Cherry (and warn ter we might feel a little endeared to sud- motion before letting us see it in regular working Much to the group's you, my readers). Well, perhaps I had dismay, its version of denly changes direction with her per¬ order. Avary also plays around with split-screen "Play that just the tiniest speck of interest in how Funky Music" would go on to be sonality time and again, as if she were techniques to show us the same situation from two perfected this film would conclude its horrendous by Vanilla Ice. And we all know it MOVIE/REVIEW not quite edgy enough, so characters' closely resem¬ points of view. sucks to be outdone by Vanilla Ice. tale. By the way, apparently four people bling a real person that the writers had to While all of these tricks are interesting, they ulti¬ in front of me did not have any similar The Rules of Attraction make her do something rash to again mately feel like pathetic attempts to blind us to the vul¬ 6. reasons for Billy Preston staying and did actually Starring: shock us. garity that is this film. This dude got his start with the Beatles and he leave in the middle of this film. James Van Der Beek, This silly attempt at a I will mention one love-story plot that scene managed to make didn't let them, or us, down. Ah, where to Shannyn Sossamon and begin? Within the first twist entices us for a few minutes until me Jessica Biel laugh with it instead of at it. It was an impossi¬ 10 minutes of the film we a witness rape we realize we don't really care and that it bly bizarre restaurant scene with Paul's 7. Roberta Flack scene longtime and, rather than have that violent will most (OouVof 5 s likely end up going nowhere friend, Mitchell (Thomas Ian Nicholas), and both of The Fugees did a great cover of "Killing me image be somehow resolved or justified anyway. their high society, pill-popping mothers. Nicholas' Softly," but it still didn't touch the original. later, it seems to have no realistic sig¬ Another actor making a leap from vir- character is so hilariously obnoxious and over-the- nificance or conclusion. ginal television star to drug-snorting bad top in his drunken state at the dinner table that I am 8. Average White Band The main characters in "The Rules of girl is the who stars as lovely Jessica Biel, actually looking forward to seeing what else this Damn, those were some Attraction" are a bunch funky, not-so-average of ridiculously a pastor's daughter in "7th Heaven" on actor can do. white boys. shallow, narcissistic students at a rather charming lit¬ the WB. On a Unfortunately, Biel's character, Lara, is so completely different note, there is also a dra¬ tle New England college. You know. They're the trivial and shallow she is not even really worth men¬ matic suicide scene that is desperately tragic but still 9. The Gap Band kind of cliche young adult characters that are beau¬ tioning except to say that she makes a comment about leaves no real answers or valuable emotional ties for A far takeoff its tiful but somehow from original incarnation oppressed by their beauty as well how good being bulimic has made her look. That sent the audience. "The Banana Republic." as their affluence. shivers of disgust down my spine. It is sad that some of these actors (not to mention all They appear utterly bored with absolutely every¬ There is also the sad, and of the again shallow, bisexual money it cost to make it) had to be so wasted on 10. Ike and Tina Turner thing in their lives and amounts character spout incredible of Paul, played by the striking Ian Somerhalder. this tasteless movie. It is even sadder to think of many Ike didn't mean it, baby, honest. irrelevant, sarcastic dialogue in a vain attempt to For some reason, Paul targets Sean as a possible lust- of the younger people who will watch this and think it seem clever. Also, at this college people don't seem interest, even is cool though it is plain as day there is not one and provocative and the way Honorable to they should per¬ mentions: actually attend class. No one smiles, teachers bisexual yearning in Van Der Beek's character. The haps behave. KC and the Sunshine Gang request oral sex in exchange for better GPAs, and emotional attachment and attraction Paul feels for One of the tag-lines for "The Rules of Attraction" Kool and the Gang drug as as Sean so taking and dealing occur about often the is unfounded its is 'There are no laughable. rules." Well, all I can say to that is it The Meters rest of us drink water. Strangely enough, "The Rules of Attraction" has probably would have been better for everyone if there The Brothers Johnson In a dramatic departure from the sweet popular been promoted somewhat by a few of the stars who I hadn't been. Herbie Hancock Dawson on "Dawson's Creek," James Van Der Beek would have assumed might have rather just swept this plays the lead, Sean Bateman, a crude, one under the (possibly rug and out of the public's eye. The Dana Buchanan can be only reached at: Next week: Top 10 Saturday Night Live cast insane?) campus drug dealer with a penchant for dan- conclusion I can come up with is that, because the [email protected] members of all time Solo STANDARD: Not-so-typical performer band hopes potential fans will log on and check them out gets by alone continued from | CI play together it just flows." on The band works because of the varying styles and personalities of open the road members, its members said. Martellaro and JOSEPH MINISSALE Copeland manufacture the intellectual aspect while Staff Writer Rogers and Coffey "just shoot from the hip," Copeland said. "It's like two thunderstorms colliding, and it works," Coffey said.