3 when Sean Connery visits the The most recent home of the Eternals in Zardoz. “What is love?” Tubridy wants to ‘Late Late’ begins ask, but instead says: “Why are PATRICK FREYNE you single?”, like an inappropri- with ensmuggened ate uncle at awedding. chef Marco Pierre Oh, and Inearly forgot, in the middle there is asing-song White wearing a because someone has left both ‘The Late Late Show’ is madness itself but it cannot Chris de Burgh and aguitar on woollen smock like change because nobody knows why or how it works the couch. aFrench peasant “Ah s**t, Chris has seen the guitar,” Isay, which is usually my who eats smaller reactionwhen this happens at parties. Then Iremember that I French peasants like Chris de Burgh. He sang “It lives not, yet it cannot die,” is Spanish Train,which is about astrange motto for atelevision God and the devil onahaunted are so tonally distinct any sane show, but it works for The Late train; Patricia the Stripper,a producer would put them in Late Show.Its continued success jaunty ditty about the sex separate programmes. But the makes no sense to anyone –the industry; Don’t Pay the Ferry- Late Late Show is madness itself. producers,the audience, the man,asong about exorbitant It’s too long and less than the guests or Ryan Tubridy himself, transitfees (I think); and A sum of its parts. Elsewhere, chat and it cannot be altered without Spaceman Came Travelling (but showshave morphed into aconstitutional amendment. not byferry obviously), which shorter, wittier celebrations of Oh, some elements “change”, Tubridyasks de Burgh to celebrity good-sportsmanship. butthese are superficial. There’s explain. Jesus might have been a Even locally we have the zippier that jazzed-up theme tune from spaceman, explains de Burgh. SaturdayNight Show(Tubridy the show’s band of the damned “It’s there in the lyrics, Ryan!” I and Brendan O’Connor now (theyonce played Rosanna shout at the telly. fight for our damned souls like Davison’swedding). There’s a God and the Devil in Spanish new set, seemingly the attic of an Wakewithscars Train). But The Late Late Show abandoned factory (just off As Chris plays, the camera keeps cannot change, because nobody camera,interns keep roving cutting to the glassy-eyed studio knows why or how it works. hobos and wild dogs at bay). And audience clapping along looking It survives, sustained by Gay Byrne’s paternalistic gaze begins with ensmuggened chef can’t guarantee. There’s areal confused. It’s happened to us all. tradition and spite and the fact has been replaced by Tubridy’s Marco Pierre White wearing a discussion to be had about the You’re minding your own that it’s older than Newgrange. haunted eyes. woollen smock like aFrench boundaries of civil disobedience, business in abar, then you Each week we watch in vague “Oh my God, I’m still here,” peasant who eats smaller French butagainst such pre-emptive blackout and wake with scars remembranceof Gay Byrne they seem to say at the start of peasants, talking about his disapproval Murphy is measured where your kidneys should be, putting condoms on bananas, each episode. gardener. and patient, while Tubridy groggily singing along to Chris being patronising to disobedient “Oh God, so are we,” say the seems blasé about the arrests of de Burgh in a Late Late Show women, or doing hard-hitting audience at home. Haranguedasocialist protesters. audience. interviews with Judge from When Tubridy got the job, it Then Tubridy harangues a When not being combative on Then de Burgh introduces a Wanderly Wagon.Wetrudge was heralded as abig career socialist. He starts asking about behalf of amiddle Ireland which new song, The Hands of Man. into our sitting rooms as though move. We now know it was Paul Murphy’s apparently Fine doesn’t exist, Tubridy is agood “The things that we can do with the theme tune were the call to actually the result of agypsy Gaelrelatives. “[That’s] like interviewer, as he proves when these hands ...” he says, “particu- prayer, because like Fine Gael or curse. “Hey Kenny,what was when people sayyour family is talkingto calm, dignified Linda larly thumbs.” Which is brilliant. the weather or the music of the that you slipped into my pocket?” Fianna Fáil,” says Murphy Boland, whose mentally ill He should have called the song Script, it’s no better than we Iimagine Tubridy saying in the (Tubridy was gifted to RTÉ as a brotherkilled her father. And Particularly Thumbs.And I deserve. They should put it in the RTÉ canteen as Pat Kenny ran child tribute by the party in the the show ends with likeable might borrow that name when I ads really. “The Late Late Show: for freedom. “A wizened monkey 1980s.) It ends with him tetchily Elaine Crowley speaking about startmy mitten shop. It’s no better than we deserve” or paw? What’s the significance of asking Murphy to condemn her life, family and depression. Anyway, some of this is “The Late Late Show:Itwas this? Kenny? Kenny!?” behaviour he has already Crowley is from TV3 and has entertaining and much of it always thus” or maybe even: Atypical Late Late Show is all condemned and to guarantee never been in Montrose before, infuriating and together none of “The Late Late Show ... sure, over the place. The most recent behaviour from protesters he which makes this segment like it makes sense. All of these items what did you expect?” EMPIRE TOTAL FILM THE TELEGRAPH THE INDEPENDENT THE GUARDIAN 15A WWW.IFCO.IE CATCH IT IN CINEMAS NOW THE TICKET | THE IRISH TIMES | FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2015 3 she’s going to look sick,” promis- es Lemon, helping me imagine a It’s possible to be magnificent, vomit-themed too sexy, Lemon dancestravaganza. PATRICK FREYNE “Ulp,” gulpsthe dream. informs Nadia, and Lemondemonstrates to Nadia the correct manner in which to it’s also possible to rotate her arse and then starts be not sexy enough. giving advice on the exact Wannabe pop star Nadia Forde is chasing the dream; scientific amount of sexy Nadia The gist of it is that and when she catches up with it, it’s f***ed needstobe. It’s possibletobetoo there’s agoldilocks sexy, Lemon informs Nadia, and it’s also possibletobenot sexy zone of sexy enough. The gist of it is that there’s agoldilocks zone of sexy. Both Nadiaand Lemonare In 3e’s Nadia -Chasing the Nadiapretends she’s aflute. setting of another reality TV confident that thesecitrus- banks. “Wow.Iwas not expect- Dream (3e, Friday), top Irish The dreamducks out afire programme. There she is infused sexiness lessons will ingthat,” he says tonight.And: model, I’m aCelebrityGet me escape. coached by awomancalled have the dreamstuffed and in a “Thisiswhy we love making this Out of Here contestant and Then it’s revealed that Nadia Lemon, or possiblyalemon glasscase in no time. show,for people like you.” wannabe pop-starNadia Forde has abig opportunity –agig in called Person (I can’tread my “Oh dear,” says the dream. The othermembers of the chases down adefenceless Miami opening for Marc Antho- notes–the ink is smudged with It needn’t be worried. In the judging panel, atleast those who dream. ny. Yes, the Marc Anthony, tears). next episode (I’vewatched can move their foreheads, The poor dream. It doesn’t presumablyfresh from avenging Lemonobserves Nadiaand ahead. It’s like The Jinx.Ireally demonstrate their knowledge of make you ascreaming environ- the murder of his friend Julius her dancers doingtheir dance. want to see what happens to the human emotions with exaggerat- mentalist to find dream-hunting Caesar and just before his Theirmoves land somewhere dream), Nadia, who’squite ed displays of wonder, as they cruel. If the dreamisn’t ripped untimely suicide pact with between “freestyleconga” and likeable really, reveals that she milk human individuality and apartbyForde and her hounds Cleopatra. “a kind of fit”.Lemon looks has existential doubts about all transformitinto processed (four often-topless male danc- “That’ll help me nab the alarmedand sad and smiles the “bum-shaking” so garners saleablemush. ers),itwill die of afear-induced dreamfor sure,” thinks Nadia widely at the same time,because the services of Jelone, “a face This episode includes: a heartattack while cowering in a openingabig box with Acme reality televisionhas destroyed around London”. sword-wieldinglittle Irishgirl ditchorend up living as aferal written on it. “Meep meep!” says the emotional responses of a Sadly this does not mean he’s that Alesha Dixoncalls a“dinky city dream, scuttling between the dream. wholegeneration. aginormous floating head like in little thing” (she is no doubt parked cars and eating out of Lemonre-choreographs the Zardoz,but an attitude-filled alreadytrapped in Dixon’s your bins. Pineapplecrunchtime wholeshow. hipster with awholebody, who handbag); amagician whose In the most recent episode It’s decided that Nadianeeds “Uh oh,” says the dream, tellsher to think: “I’m Nadia witchcraft frightens Holo-Simon Nadia, flanked by her sculpted some help catching the dreamin lacing up its running shoes. Forde, make way, back up, (for he is abeing of technology and gyratinghonourguard, Miami and so she goes to “If Nadiahas the sickest because I’m coming through.” and science);aman who fires a chases the dreamtoIbiza where Pineapple Dance Studios, the dancers and the sickest look “Isn’t that abit rude?” says the puppet from acannon;aman in its thin emaciated formis dream, who’sjust out of shot. lederhosen playing cowbells; perceived at adistance in a “I’llget you yet dream,” shouts and adance act called Boyband cheesy danceclub.