Father Ted Father Ted (1995-1998) was a television situation comedy set on the extremely remote fictional Craggy Island off the west coast of Ireland. It was written by Arthur Mathews and Graham Linehan. The main characters were Father Ted, Mrs Doyle (the housekeeper), the simple-minded Father Dougal and the permanently drunk Father Jack. Contents • 1 Series 1 ◦ 1.1 Good Luck, Father Ted ◦ 1.2 Entertaining Father Stone ◦ 1.3 Competition Time ◦ 1.4 And God Created Woman ◦ 1.5 Grant unto Him Eternal Rest • 2 Series 2 ◦ 2.1 Hell ◦ 2.2 Think Fast, Father Ted ◦ 2.3 Tentacles of Doom ◦ 2.4 Old Grey Whistle Theft ◦ 2.5 Song for Europe ◦ 2.6 The Plague ◦ 2.7 Rock-a-Hula Ted ◦ 2.8 Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading ◦ 2.9 New Jack City ◦ 2.10 Flight into Terror ◦ • 3 A Christmassy Ted • 4 Series 3 ◦ 4.1 Are You Right There, Father Ted? ◦ 4.2 Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep ◦ 4.3 Speed 3 ◦ 4.4 The Mainland ◦ 4.5 Escape from Victory ◦ 4.6 Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse ◦ 4.7 Night of the Nearly Dead ◦ 4.8 Going to America Series 1 Good Luck, Father Ted (After Dougal pretends to be on Top of the Pops using the screen from the broken TV.) Father Jack: How did that gobshite get on the television???!!! Mrs Doyle: Now... (pouring Jack a cup of tea) ... and what do you say to a cup? Father Jack: Feck off, cup! (Dougal struggles to remember his prayers.) Father Dougal: Our Father, who art in heaven... Father Ted: (sternly) Hallowed. Father Dougal: Hallowed be thy.. Father Ted: Name! Father Dougal: Papa don't preach... (As Dougal and Ted attempt to sleep.) Father Dougal: Knock, knock! Father Ted: Who's there? Father Dougal: Father Dougal McGuire. Father Ted: Good night Dougal! Tom (wearing an "I Shot JR" T-shirt): Father? Father Ted: Yes, Tom? Tom: I've killed a man. Father Ted: (nonchalantly) Did you, Tom? I'll have to talk to you about that later. I'm going to do an interview for the television! Father Dougal: Come on, Ted. Sure it's no more peculiar than all that stuff we learned in the seminary, you know, Heaven and Hell and everlasting life and all that type of thing. You're not meant to take it seriously, Ted! (As Ted and Dougal watch Dougal on the newly repaired TV.) Father Jack: That gobshite again! Is he never off the air?! (hurls glass bottle at the television.) Mary: Titface! Y'have a face like a pair of tits! John: At least that's one pair between us. Entertaining Father Stone Father Ted: Old women are closer to God than we'll ever be. They get to that age and they don't need the operator anymore. They've got the direct line. Father Ted: That would be quite common you know. The favourite son would become a doctor and then the idiot brother would be sent off to the priesthood. Father Dougal: Your brother is a doctor isn't he? Father Ted: Yes he is. Dermot Stone: Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed! Competition Time Sergeant Deegan: God, this reminds me of Vietnam. Father Ted: Were you in Vietnam, sergeant? Sergeant Deegan: Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films. Henry Sellers: Oh what a shower of bastards! Father Dunne: Oh Lord Ted!, why did you give him a drink? Father Ted: I didn't know this would happen! Father Dunne: That's why they sacked him from that programme, he's a terrible alcoholic and he's been on the wagon now for a year, Oh my god Ted! Father Ted: How was I supposed to know? Henry Sellers: Sack me!, Sack me! I made the BBC! (sobs) I made it! Father Ted: Henry, maybe if you have a rest you'll feel better? Henry Sellers: Get away from me, priest! Father Ted: Perhaps it's time to go to bed! Father Ted: (After Henry kicks television) Good man there's nothing on anyway! Henry Sellers: Do you want a fight?! Henry Sellers: Bloody priests, sanctimonious scumbags! Father Ted: Absolutely! Henry Sellers: Made my life a bloody misery! Father Ted: Sorry about that are you sure you don't want to go to bed, we could stay up a bit longer perhaps! Henry Sellers: Oh I'm fed up of you bastards! I'm getting outta here don't you try and stop me (Smashes through window) Father Dougal: It's true what they say isn't it you should never meet your heroes you'll only be dissapointed! [edit] And God Created Woman Mrs Doyle: Here you are, Father. It's a beautiful day out. Father Jack: Me arse! Father Jack: (as Dougal wheels him on his chair with Mrs Doyle holding the door) Nuns! NUNS! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Father Ted: (as Tom comes out of the Post Office with money, to the sound of a robbery alarm and a gunshot) Ya haven't been up to your auld tricks again, have ya? Tom: No, Father. 'Tis my money. I just didn't want to fill out the forms. Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): So then, you're a nun! Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): Ted says you were touching him! Sister Monica: Oh Holy Mother of God! He's dead! Father Dougal: What's the problem there, sister? Father Ted (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you're not dead again are you? Father Dougal: Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it... Father Dougal: So anyway, you're there now with Our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my own parents..., Father Ted: Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he's probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign. Father Jim Sutton: Why is it always the good ones? You BASTARD! (shakes fist to Heaven) He could've been Pope! No no no, he's dead Ted awww we'll never see him again! Father Ted: We'll see him in the next world. Father Jim Sutton: Oh yeah, sure!! Father Dougal, catching Jack's will after Ted faints: Half a million pounds each? (Scans document) Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused) Laura Sweeney: When is the funeral again? Father Dougal: Again? We haven't had the first one yet! Father Dougal to Laura Sweeney: If you're a solicitor I'm Boy George. (Next scene) Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon... Father Ted: It's true what they say about these career women. They're very aggressive. Father Dougal: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn't she, Ted? Father Ted: Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn't hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that... Father Dougal: Ah, you would. They use very bad language. Father Ted: Effin' this and effin' that... Father Dougal: Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu... Father Ted: Now, Dougal! Father Dougal (on confessions): A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that? Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife? Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife. Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted! Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church? Was it like, "Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest"? Series 2 Hell Father Dougal: I wouldn't know Ted, you big bollocks! Father Dougal (on July 19): Would that be the day the Ice Age ended? Mrs Doyle: It doesn't matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Sure didn't our Lord himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving himself up for the world? Mrs Doyle (on saying "no"): It's a lovely word Our Lord gave us here on earth for when we don't want any cake! Father Dougal (on the Magic Road): That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes! Father Jack: Where am I? What's that (in/thing) there? Are those my feet? Father Dougal: Will I put on the kettle? Father Ted: Go on then. Father Dougal: ...must be one of those ones that clicks off automatically. Father Ted: Mmm...bit of steam there. Incidentally, did you bring any teabags? Father Dougal: ...no. Father Dougal:Kettle's boiled there Ted. Father Ted: Mmm. Father Dougal: Will I put more water in and turn it on again? Father Ted: No... I liked it best the first time. Father Ted is demonstrating some plastic toy cows to Dougal. Father Ted: ...OK, one last time. These are small... but the ones out there are far away. Small... far away... ah forget it! Father Dougal: Do you want to walk over to that fence? Father Ted: Oh no, best not; I don't want to blow up with excitement Father Noel Furlong (on Tony Lynch): He wasn't like that last night when he crawled into bed at ten past the eleven! Father Noel Furlong (on Ted and Dougal's strong bladders): Ye're like a bunch of camels! Father Noel Furlong (on Ted): Who's a bit of a moaning Michael tonight! Father Dougal (as Ted struggles with the car door): You're alright there, Ted.