Critical Emotionality: The Unspoken Pain of Latinx Womxn of Color Undergraduates in Higher Education Through their Community-Engaged Service By Gema Cardona A dissertation submitted in partial satisfaction of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Education and the Designated Emphasis in Women, Gender and Sexuality in the Graduate Division of the University of California, Berkeley Committee in charge: Professor Zeus Leonardo, Chair Professor Lisa Garcia Bedolla Professor Nikki Jones Spring 2021 Abstract Critical Emotionality: The Unspoken Pain of Latinx Womxn of Color Undergraduates in Higher Education Through their Community-Engaged Service by Gema Cardona Doctor of Philosophy in Education University of California, Berkeley Professor Zeus Leonardo, Chair Research suggests that a college degree leads to greater civic engagement. However, less is known about the ways that civic engagement while enrolled at an institution of higher education influences college navigation, particularly for self-identified Latinx womxn of color undergraduates. Yet, this body of literature tends to emphasize the cultural and social benefits of the college student. That is, how community engagement is transformative for the individual student, rather than placing a greater focus on the communities they engage with through the service-learning program. Thereby the question guiding this investigation is as follows: How do Latinx womxn of color undergraduates make meaning of community engagement in various forms of both institutionalized and non-institutionalized forms of service learning they participate in, both as experienced and conceptually? To answer this question, I employ a testimonio and pláticas methodology to collect and analyze the collective understanding of intersectional forms of oppression experienced directly in the communities as witnessed by the Latinx womxn. A testimonio methodology allowed me to understand the complex dynamics of how the Latinx womxn straddled between the institution, which I refer to as Western University (WU), their community-engaged service, and their hometown communities and families. Two central theoretical contributions emerged from the data. First, participants conceptualized community engagement based on what I refer to as a praxis of vulnerability. A praxis of vulnerability is how the participants’ community engagement is intimately tied to their families and hometown communities, where home was re-made through the straddling across family/community, college, and their service work. Second, that the participants’ critical understanding of how their emotions of racial and gendered oppression relate to how they embodied and practiced their community-engaged service in higher education. I refer to this as the participants’ critical emotionality of how their service is not just with an intent for producing social justice, but also about the complexities of the vulnerabilities associated with the direct experiences with injustice. Broadly, this research challenges dominant ideals that community engagement in higher education is simply characterized by a partnership between the institution of higher education and the local community, especially when asymmetrical power dynamics are central to this 1 partnership. Specifically, by employing an intersectional lens into the data analysis, this research provides significant contributions to the growing body of literature on emotionality in higher education that seeks to further understand the complexities of racial and gendered forms of oppression. 2 Dedication A mi hijo, Milán, quien es mi esperanza a un mundo con mas paz y amor. To my son, Milán, who is my hope for a future of greater peace and love. i Table of Contents Introduction: Framing the Problem ....................................................................................... 1-12 Purpose of the Study: Significance and Rationale Conceptual Framework Intersectionality Theory Institutionalized Service Learning (ISL) Difficult Dialogues and Emotionality Research Approach Assumptions and Delimitations/Limitations Intent of the Study Chapter Overview Chapter Two: Literature Review .......................................................................................... 13-25 A Brief History of Service Learning: From Traditional to Critical Traditional Service Learning Critical Service Learning Community Engagement in Higher Education Race and Whiteness in Community Engagement Pedagogies of the Home: Latinx College Students and CSL Engagement of Race Dialogue in Higher Education Conclusion Chapter Three: A Latinx Feminist Methodology of Pain ................................................... 26-39 Qualitative Inquiry and Researcher Positionality Research Questions The Researcher: Standpoint Epistemology A Latinx Feminist Methodology of Pain Methods Date Collection: Recruitment and Screening Questionnaire Research Site The Latinx Participants Data Collection: In-depth Interviews Data Analysis Counter-Narrative Analysis Testimonios of Pain Coding Process Conclusion Chapter Four: Community Engagement Centered on a Praxis of Vulnerability ............ 40-53 The Participants’ Community Engagement Esperanza Rosalba Tania Maribel Dalia Magda ii Camila Emilia Pedagogies of the Home in Community Engagement A Praxis of Vulnerability Reciprocity and Trust Vulnerable Conocimiento Tania’s Narrative ‘You are just an activist who cares about prison abolition’ Conclusion Chapter Five: Challenging Community Engagement Centered on White Liberalism .... 54-65 Critiques of Community Engagement Experiencing Someone Else’s Experience Critique One: Community Engagement at the University is about the Traditional Intellectual Critique Two: Engagement is about Questioning Dalia’s Narrative The New Payment Policy The Student Behind the Community Organizing Conclusion Chapter Six: Critical Emotionality: Testimonios of Pain .................................................. 66-80 Critical Pedagogy: What’s so ‘Critical’ of Critical Service Learning? The Impossibility of Critical Pedagogy Critical Pedagogy and Critical Emotionality Testimonios of Pain Rosalba: The Impossibility of Safety Camila: ‘I’m not gonna be the voice of the black community’ Emilia: Not knowing ‘what person to be’ in this ‘white world’ Conclusion Chapter Seven: Conclusion ................................................................................................... 81-85 Healing an Open Wound The Power of Vulnerability Implications for Service-Learning Programs 1. Acknowledgement that Some Students are ‘Experts’ of their Communities 2. Racialized Gendered Dialogue that Disrupts Power Dynamics Final Thoughts: A Note on Anger References ............................................................................................................................... 86-98 Appendix A: Interview Protocol ......................................................................................... 99-100 iii Acknowledgements This work would not have been possible without the participants who entrusted in me their stories. For this reason, I want to first acknowledge their struggle, persistence, and the important work they are doing in their communities. I hope that what I wrote in these pages serves as a step toward greater justice to the injustices that they, like other womxn of color and other historically marginalized college students, continue to experience in higher education. The first person I want to thank is my son, Milan, who has been my inspiration to complete this work. This work was greatly influenced by him, who was born in the midst of completing this work. Since your birth you have taught me greater patience and you have helped me re-define the meaning of love. Thank you for all the laughter and happiness you have brought into my life. I also want to thank all the womxn who have helped me raise you in these past four years while I completed my degree, particularly your ‘abue’ (your maternal grandmother) and your teachers from Centro VIDA in Berkeley, California. Without their care and love, I would not have been able to complete this work. I am thankful for the love they granted you while I focused on finishing this important work. Another influential force to this work is all the mujeres that came before me, beginning with my mother. Born Maria Trinidad Jimenez in a small rural town known as “Penjamo” in Guanajuato, Mexico, my mother has been my number one advocate for earning a degree of higher education. While my mother never received a formal education while growing up in Mexico she has always had a clear understanding of the power of achieving an education, especially a degree of higher education. In this same light, I want to honor my mother’s mother, Agustina Arroyo Mendoza, whom I never met because she passed away while giving birth to her thirteenth child, my Tia Adalicia. At the time, my mother was only 13. Your light and energy illuminated this work, Abuela. Thank you for always looking after my mom desde el cielo. Although I never met you, I dream about you and see you in my mother’s eyes. Thank you for giving birth to my mother who gave birth to me, my sister Carmen, and brothers David and Ricardo. This accomplishment is for all of them! Completing this dissertation in the midst of a pandemic was not easy and during this time I had my virtual writing partner, Martha Ortega Mendoza. Thank you for not just being my writing partner but also becoming a supportive and loving amiga. You became a support during such a difficult