Vol. 10 | Issue 1 | March 2017 EXCITING PARTNERSHIP WITH EXPERIENCE AWESOME DEEP SPACE EXPLORATION INSPIRING PERSONAL TECHNOLOGY ASTRONAUT TRAINING GROWTH ATTEND MAJOR LEAGUE GAME VIP ACCESS INTO NASA FUEL YOUR PASSION Creating the Future for Boarding Schools 20170216 ABSA Front Cover Art A4.indd 1 21/02/2017 9:05:02 PM Lights Out Contents 02 Cracking Boaders' SECRET Code 06 The Reality of Making a Difference Cracking Boarders’ 08 Ageless Inspiration for the New Academic Year 09 To Boarding and Beyond SECRET Code 10 An Inspector Calls 11 Student Concierge Services 12 19 Simple Ways to Boost Your Self AUTHOR A little understanding from you will actually Table 1. Categories of Code Esteem Quickly Dr. Christopher Thurber make it more likely that your boarders will do what you want them to do. 14 Strengthening the Culture of Care Clinical psychologist and faculty member Possible Responses Possible Explanations (Can you think of others?) Phillips Exeter Academy, 16 5 Boarding Resolutions Every People keep their mouths shut because those around them are When I ask new boarding staff what their Code Quiet critical, disapproving, intimidating, or shaming. United States Professional Should Make biggest fear is, they usually say “that the The Truth about Tumeric 20 kids won’t listen.” That’s understandable. What people feel deep in their hearts may be too painful, Code Underground embarrassing, or anxiety-provoking to say out loud. 22 Funding School Fees If your boarders don’t listen and follow I don’t want to do physics. I hate physics. directions, your job will get pretty tough 24 HASSE Space School Inspires Sophia, age 16 pretty quickly. Any leadership technique People can’t say exactly what they’re feeling because they may not Australian Students Ben doesn’t like me. He’s always being a jerk. Code Unknown understand the situation or their emotions just yet. that enhances obedience would be 26 Sharing Best Practice - Supporting Paul, age 15 welcome, right? Unfortunately, some International Boarders This place stinks. All the staff here are stupid. People are so overcome with emotion that they say something that boarding staff, operate under the false Code Foggy doesn’t make sense or isn’t accurate. 28 Time to Say Goodbye Asa, age 16 assumption that respect is endowed, not 30 The #FutureSchool: Evolution or earned. That’s right. A photo and bio on People say things wildly different (or opposite) from how they’re Transformation? If you’re like most boarding staff, you the new mobile-friendly school website Code Smoke Screen really feeling in order to hide their pain. 32 A Sense of Belonging bristle when you hear kids say these sorts earns you zero points in the eyes of your of things. Maybe you feel a little defensive. boarders. People joke, play, and put on a happy face out of nervousness or to 33 Settling in Our New Boarders Code Clown mask the sadness they really feel. Perhaps you’re ready to offer some 34 Insights into Positive Parent contradictions, such as: “I thought you To believe that your kids will listen to Relationships People are so scared of revealing their true feelings that they act out loved physics. You’re so good at maths.” or you because you’re wearing professional Code Barbed Wire or even lash out at others. 35 The Rotary Residential College “Of course Ben likes you! He’s just a little clothing, because you’re chronologically 38 New Principals abrupt. Life in the dormitory is grand.” or older, or (in most cases) because you’re “Make no mistake about it. This school has taller than they are is terribly misguided. It would have been illogical to conclude that anyone who didn’t like my pancake shot disliked 40 New Heads of Boarding a long tradition of excellence and our staff The “magic of the collared shirt,” as I call it, pancakes (or me as a person). It would be equally absurd to conclude that people who didn’t 47 From the Chairman and teachers are gifted.” You’re the one lasts for maybe two seconds after shaking “like” my dad’s heart attack post didn’t feel sorry for him. And don’t get me started on the who is stupid, you might even be thinking. a youngster’s hand for the first time. The number of comments that said, “Chris, I liked this post as a show of support for your father, ON THE COVER moment you open your mouth and begin not because I liked the fact that he had a heart attack.” Naturally. But there were as many of HASSE Space school, iVicon Your penchant for contention is normal. interacting with that young person is the those comments as there were comments that expressed sympathy and went on to explain CONTACT US After all, you have worked hard to create a moment he or she begins to respect you - that it felt inappropriate to like the post. Paradoxically, I could then “like” their statement Australian Boarding Schools Association. safe, educational, and engaging experience or not - based entirely on how you treat him about not liking. Absurd indeed. Postal: PO Box 5569, Brendale, Qld. 4500 for your boarders. It’s hard to imagine any or her. The kind of respect that determines Office: Unit 6, 3 Hinkler Court, valid complaints. But here’s the secret to whether “the kids will mind” - as one There are, of course, multiple reasons why people (not just boarders) speak in code. Brendale, Qld. 4500 cracking kids’ secret code: What they say Australian headmaster put it to me - is born Table 1 outlines different categories of code that alternately obscure, protect, flirt, stall, P + 61 7 3205 4940 isn’t always what they mean. of connections. And one of the best ways or deflect. Regardless of the cause or intent of speaking in code, it ultimately feels F + 61 7 3205 6567 to form healthy relationships with your good to everyone to be understood. But before jumping ahead to empathy, consider E [email protected] Huh? That’s right. Sometimes the literal, boarders is to listen to them. some plausible decodes of the remarks above. (As an added challenge, you might want www.boarding.org.au surface meaning of the words they utter to see what category of code these children are speaking in, according to Table 1.) conceals a subtext. Decoding that hidden But this year, don’t just listen to what your EDITOR meaning takes practice, but is one of the boarders say. Anyone can hear the words. Richard Stokes, Executive Director, most important leadership skills you can Listen for what they mean. When you Australian Boarding Schools Association acquire, whether you are a classroom respond to the underlying message - to the GRAPHIC DESIGN teacher, house master, rugby coach, or all subtext or code - of what your boarders ddprint - [email protected] three. are saying, they’ll feel understood. They’ll know you’re interested in their experience, PRINTING When you understand the subtext of not only their presence. In turn, that Clikprint - [email protected] what a person is saying, you’re suddenly good feeling - that feeling of “that staff in a position to provide an understanding member cares” or “my house master takes response, i.e., to provide empathy. an interest in me” - often translates to When you provide empathy, you nurture compliant behavior. In short, they’ll listen a connection with your boarders. to you if you listen to them. Hear what That connection not only feels good, it they mean, not simply what they say. That also increases compliance. Yes, that’s right. connection through genuine understanding builds relationships. 2 3 Lights Out Surface Content Plausible Decodes Table 2. The Flow of Listening > Decoding > Empathizing > Connecting I don’t want to do physics. I hate physics. • I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I’ve overwhelmed. • I’ve just been bullied by a peer. • I’m embarrassed because I’m not a good physics student and I don’t want to Avoid an immediate, defensive retort look foolish in the next lesson. Recognise that hat people say isn’t alays hat they mean Listen for Ben doesn’t like me. He’s always being a jerk. • I don’t make friends easily. Code Consider plausible subtet of the surface content • I’m unsure of my social standing. • I don’t know how to respond to someone else’s bad mood. Say hat you think the student is really thinking or feeling This place stinks. All the staff here are stupid. • I’m homesick. Everything here seems unfamiliar. our effort shos you care you don’t have to be correct • My first attempt at trying a new subject was miserable. Provide • Kids here are more competitive than I expected. Empathy Remember Shoing empathy doesn’t mean you agree These are just a few of the many plausible decodes of the examples above. If you thought of a few more as you were reading, then you’ve our genuine empathy and effort engenders respect Dr. Christopher Thurber is a board-certified already taken your first step into a higher level of professional education and boarding excellence. You’re hearing the subtext and you’re Boarders ork hard for boarding staff ho appreciate them clinical psychologist and teacher who now ready to practice a more challenging skill: Responding empathically, with sensitivity to that subtext. Here’s what that might sound like: Build the Relationship Compliance is predicated on authentic relationships serves on the boarding staff of Phillips Exeter Academy, a co-educational boarding and day school in New Hampshire, on Surface Content Possible Empathic Responses (based on plausible decodes) the northeast coast of the United States.