The Kinship Toolbox_Kinship 1/22/15 3:45 PM Page 1 The Kinship Parenting Toolbox A unique guidebook for the kinship care parenting journey Edited by Kim Phagan-Hansel EMK Press • Warren, New Jersey The Kinship Toolbox_Kinship 1/22/15 3:45 PM Page 2 EMK Press, a subsidiary of EMK Group, LLC 16 Mt. Bethel Road, #219 Warren, NJ 07059 www.emkpress.com © 2015 by EMK Press, a subsidiary of EMK Group, LLC All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. This book is based on information from sources believed to be reliable, and also includes the subjective opinions of the authors of each of the articles. We have made every effort to ensure accuracy and completeness based on the information available at the date when each article was written. However, completeness and accuracy cannot be guaranteed. This book may contain mistakes and some information presented as fact may instead be an author’s judgement and/or opinion. Readers should use this book as a general guide and not as the ultimate source of information about any topic discussed herein. This book does not replace consultations with licensed doctors, lawyers, therapists, agency caseworkers or social workers. This book is sold without warranties of any kind, express or implied, and the publisher, edi- tor, authors, and all individuals associated with the publication of this book expressly disclaim responsibility for any liability, loss, or damage resulting from the contents of this book. Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication data The Kinship parenting toolbox : a unique guidebook for the kinship care parenting journey / edited by Kim Phagan-Hansel. p.cm. ISBN 9780972624473 Includes bibliographical references. 1. Kinship care. 2. Adoption. 3. Foster care. I. Phagen-Hansel, Kim. HV875 .K56 2015 362.73/3 --dc23 2014957437 Manufactured in the United States of America The Kinship Toolbox_Kinship 1/22/15 3:45 PM Page 3 To Leonard & Jeanne and the thousands of other grandparents and family members who have stepped in for the kids they love. And to my many friends who have walked various aspects of the kinship journey and for their willingness to share their perspectives in this book. Kim Phagan-Hansel Throughout the book you will find wisdom from people who are caring for children in kinship relationships. Many of the quotes are from anony- mous sources but the emotions, observations, and feelings you might recognize as some that you are experiencing. Please know that you aren’t alone. The Kinship Toolbox_Kinship 1/22/15 3:45 PM Page 4 More than 5.8 million American children live with their grandparents and another 2 million live with “other rela- tives,” according to the 2010 census. That’s more than 7.8 million children in America being raised in kinship care. Those numbers are startling, so I guess when I started think- ing about people in my own life touched by some form of K kinship care, I shouldn’t have been surprised at the large number I came up with. My own mother-in-law has been raising two grandsons for 18 years, and is still their main fam- ily support as they become adults. Other friends, colleagues, and acquaintances had grown up in kinship care raised by I aunts, uncles, and grandparents, while others had stepped in when the youngest members of their extended families need- ed them most. Many of their stories are shared throughout this book. While kinship care has been happening informally for thou- N sands of years, the latest generation of kinship care comes with a handful of unique challenges. Generations ago, multi- generational families lived together or in close proximity to each other, making it easy to raise children in an extended family setting. While those villages of generations gone-by provided strong foundations for children, today’s kinship S caregivers face difficult and daunting challenges when they step in to care for family. Often times the children’s parents have alcohol or drug dependencies. The children have wit- nessed violence and drug use firsthand, while others have H been neglected or abused – physically, mentally, and sexually. These early childhood traumas create unique challenges for kinship caregivers. Unlike foster parents who are required to go through hours of training in preparation for many of the challenges they face, kinship caregivers are delivered children with little to no warning. While foster parents are provided I funding through monthly reimbursement checks and support through caseworkers, CASAs, and others, often times kinship caregivers are left to face financial challenges alone, with little comfort or support. These families become parents, many for P the second time around, with little financial or emotional The Kinship Toolbox_Kinship 1/22/15 3:45 PM Page 5 support, no training, and little guidance. For many of these families, they are strug- gling on fixed incomes and without a life support of resources and professionals to guide them through the new-age world of parenting children from tough begin- nings. Unfortunately, these struggles are something I have witnessed firsthand. So before The Foster Parenting Toolbox was barely started, a number of people suggested we also tackle the topic of kinship care. So, here we are delivering The Kinship Parenting Toolbox to you. I will admit, this book provided its own set of unique challenges and for good reason. It was more difficult to find writers and resources for this book. For families, it is difficult to “air the dirty laundry” of their loved-ones. It’s one thing to write about other people’s problems, it’s entirely dif- ferent when those “other people” are family members that you love and have been hurt by. It was difficult to find resources because there are few out there, however as more and more child welfare agencies emphasize family placements, more resources are slowly becoming available. I hope The Kinship Parenting Toolbox will highlight many of the same things you have experienced on your kinship parenting journey. I also hope it will provide you with resources and information to turn to when you’re struggling with the children in your care. By providing you with this information, we hope to help make your parenting journey just a little bit easier and give you some tools to help you raise the children you have stepped up to parent. May your parenting journey – whether it’s the first, second, or third time around – be blessed with the resources and guid- ance you need when you need it most. Kim Phagan-Hansel Editor The Kinship Toolbox_Kinship 1/22/15 3:45 PM Page 6 The Unexpected Role 2 More Than Stand-Ins: Real Parents and Real Struggles Karen J Foli, PhD, RN 6 Raising A Grandson Stephen Fisher 8 Seven Tips for New Caregivers Alison O’Donnell Caliendo 13 From A Satin Duvet to a Washable Bed Spread Phyllis Stevens 16 Kinship Toolbox Jan Wagner 18 To Grandmother’s House We Go: At the Intersection of Kinship Care and Foster Care Ron Huxley, LMFT and Catie Hargrove, MS 21 A Hard Road Anonymous 23 Kinship Care: the History of A Name Eileen Mayers Pasztor, DSW Getting Organized 26 Ten Things Kinship Caregivers Need Allison Davis Maxon, MS, LMFT 29 Relatives and Kin Raising Children: What Are Some of the Needs of These Caregivers? Beth Powell, LCSW 31 Kinship Care for a Son’s Brother Tonya Barker 34 Asking Others for Help Beth Powell, LCSW 36 Kinship Care of Ryan Dorrie Riley \40 Keeping Track: Help! Information Needed! Andrea B. Smith, PhD and Linda L. Dannison, PhD 44 Glossary of Acronyms Used by Social Service Departments Compiled by Angie Hurley Your Legal Toolbox 46 Formal Vs. Informal Kinship Care Jan Wagner 49 Legal Relationship Options Generations United 51 The Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC) Janna Annest, JD 54 Basic Etiquette for Courtroom Attendance Andrea B. Smith, PhD and Linda L. Dannison, PhD 55 A Simplified Lower State Court Structure 56 See You in Court: Tips for Preparing Kids for their Adoption Finalization Beth O’Malley, MEd 57 Common Court Language The Kinship Toolbox_Kinship 1/22/15 3:45 PM Page 7 59 Kinship Care: A Child’s Home Away from Home Melissa D. Carter, JD, Christopher E. Church, Esq.,and Thomas B. Hammond, JD 63 Grandparenting a Teenager Sherry Howard Your Financial Toolbox 68 Financial Resources for Relative Caregivers Generations United 72 Financial Planning Claudia Mott 75 Danger Signals in Money Management 76 Kinship Care Finances Shay Olivarria 79 Joiyah Suzette Brown Our Changing Family 82 Kinship Care and Strings Attached Kim Combes, LBSW, MEd 84 The Complex Relationships of KinCare Mary-Jo Land, CPT, CDDP 85 I Just Want My Mommy Jan Wagner 87 Tips for Dealing with Your Adult Child Andrea B. Smith, PhD and Linda L. Dannison, PhD 88 Visitation Tips Andrea B. Smith, PhD and Linda L. Dannison, PhD 89 “What is in a Name?” Madeine Krebs, LCSW-C 92 Grandmother to Michael Donna M. Oxford 93 Begin With Kin But Honor the Bond James Kenny, PhD, and Lori Groves, MS 95 Sometimes I Miss My Mom Jan Wagner 96 Kinship Families and Kids May Pay High Price If Allegations Happen Jodee Kulp Guilt, Shame, & Love 100 Emotional Rollercoaster Betty Hanway 102 Letting Go Jan Wagner 103 What to Do When You are Mom to Your Child’s Mom Jan Wagner 105 “Grand” Parenting Noelle Hause, EdD, LPC 107 I Can Not Give Away That Which is Not Mine to Give Juli Alvarado 108 Kinship Care: A Journey Through Sorrow Amy Radtke, MA 110 Life with Charles