Redeeming Fat Bastard by Chris Gilman [email protected] MIKE MYERS’S voiceover accompanies the following TEXT: The program you are about see contains outdated cultural depictions of grotesque, overweight Scotsmen. Fat Bastard is a product of his time, and embodies prejudices that were once commonplace in America. While his depiction does not represent our network’s views of Scottish society today, this program is being presented as it was originally created, because to do otherwise would be the same as claiming that prejudices against Scotch cannibals who weigh 1 metric ton never existed. MUSIC CUE OVER BLACK: dissonant, symphonic bagpipes. INT. LABORATORY - NIGHT - BLACK & WHITE Endless rows of GLASS TANKS bubble with amniotic fluids. Their pale glow illuminates the otherwise dark, warehouse lab. Suspended in the tanks——MINI-ME CLONES. Many half-developed. MINI-ME HIMSELF peaks out from behind a tank. He’s terrified. SCOTTISH VOICE (O.S.) (distant, echoing) I want my baby-back-baby-back- baby-back-baby-back ribs... Mini-Me gasps. He makes a run for it through the maze of tanks. As he runs, an ELECTRIC MOTOR GROWS LOUDER. It’s closing in fast. From where? No way to tell in the reverberating lab. Mini-Me looks behind——nothing. His right——nothing. His left—— A RASCAL SCOOTER’S HEADLIGHT FLASHES ON. MINI-ME EEE!!! The collision’s impact HURLS MINI-ME INTO A LOCKER, DENTING IT. He bounces to the floor and scrambles to his feet just as—— A SHADOW ECLIPSES HIM. Mini-Me freezes in horror. The shadow belongs to...FAT BASTARD, IN ALL HIS ENORMITY (he fits on the rascal scooter like a gorilla riding a dachshund). FAT BASTARD (sadistic) Hello, hello, wee baby... Fat Bastard REVS THE SCOOTER. He smirks, savoring the moment. 2. Mini-Me cowers back, pleading. He offers a PEACE SIGN. Fat Bastard releases the brake. HE ROCKETS FORWARD. MINI-ME EEEEEEEE!!!!!! We hear a GORY CRUNCH just as we SMASH CUT TO BLACK. SECURITY ALARM (over P.A. system) INTRUDER ALERT. INTRUDER ALERT. We hear RAVENOUS, WET CHEWING. FADE IN: PAN OVER: glass shards and fluids. A SMALL ARM BONE is tossed from out of frame, landing among the debris. PAN UP: Fat Bastard, his back to us, kneels before a PILE OF MINI-ME CORPSES. He’s feasting. The lab doors slam open——A S.W.A.T. UNIT floods in, guns drawn. S.W.A.T. CAPTAIN HANDS UP! NOW! FAT BASTARD (glancing back, mouth full) Buffet’s closed, boys...all out of short ribs. HAHAHA! The Captain sees the corpses and vomits in his face shield. Fat Bastard LAUGHS MANIACALLY. Bits of flesh fly from his maw. MONTAGE: -Fat Bastard’s wrists are handcuffed. -His BARE TITTIES are also cuffed. -His fingerprints are taken. -A jockstrap with a CROSS-SHAPED SKIDMARK is slid into a bag marked ‘EVIDENCE’. EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY -Fat Bastard, MUZZLED and STRAIGHT-JACKETED, is strapped to a FORKLIFT. He’s circled by an ANGRY MOB outside the courthouse. TOM BROKAW reports from outside the chaotic crowd. 3. TOM BROKAW This just in: a verdict has been reached in the trial of the child cannibal known as Fat Bastard. The former henchman faces numerous counts of infanticide, after the DNA profiles of 74 missing children from around the globe were discovered in soiled jockstraps obtained from Fat Bastard’s motor-home. Police struggle to control the enraged mob who hurl obscenities and rocks at Fat Bastard. He yawns, totally indifferent, until a rock nails him in the crotch. Vomit sprays from his muzzle. WOMAN #1 HE ATE MY BABY! HE ATE MY FUCKING BABY! WOMAN #2 ROT IN HELL, YOU MONSTER! On the courthouse steps, TRIBUTES TO MISSING CHILDREN: vigil candles, flowers, framed photos of babies. INT. COURT ROOM - DAY -A JUDGE addresses Fat Bastard and his lawyer, ALAN DERSHOWITZ. JUDGE The court finds you...guilty. The gavel slams. The courtroom explodes in cheer. Fat Bastard is devastated. Dershowitz places a hand on his shoulder. His other hand fondles one of Fat Bastard’s titties. MUSIC CUE: the score from Schindler’s List. FAT BASTARD I could’ve eaten more...I could’ve eaten one more... ALAN DERSHOWITZ No, Fat Bastard. You mustn’t think that way. Dozens of babies were eaten alive, thanks to you. FAT BASTARD If I made more room in my belly... 4. ALAN DERSHOWITZ Thousands of generations have ended, because of what you did. You ate enough. You ate enough. FAT BASTARD I could’ve eaten more! Fat Bastard sobs uncontrollably. SMASH CUT TO TITLE CARD: REDEEMING FAT BASTARD TEXT: Chapter 1 EXT. TURDHAM ASYLUM - DESERT - MORNING - NOW COLOR FOOTAGE TEXT: Decades Later... A PRISON COMPOUND in wasteland desert, guarded by watchtowers, barbed wire, and armed security. A tall main building towers over four lower wings that form a closed-in prison yard (the complex is shaped like a TOILET). Vultures perch on an entrance sign: TURDHAM ASYLUM: A FEDERAL PENITENTIARY FOR THE FAT AND/OR INSANE INT. TURDHAM ASYLUM - CRYOGENIC STORAGE UNIT TEXT: Turdham Asylum: Cryogenic Storage Unit Fat Bastard is FROZEN NUDE IN A BLOCK OF ICE (a call back to Austin Powers in ‘International Man Of Mystery’). A RED LIGHT FLASHES above Fat Bastard’s ice block. Two metal arms on the sides of the block UNCLASP. JUMP TO: Bastard is submerged into a VAT OF STEAMING GOO. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Thawing stage in process. THE WARDEN (Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson) nods to a squad of ARMED GUARDS, who raise their guns in unison. THE WARDEN He makes any sudden moves, you have my authorization to shoot. We take no chances with this one. THE GOO BUBBLES AND HISSES. The Warden paces as he leafs through a thick binder: Fat Bastard’s record. 5. THE WARDEN During his last stay in solitary, he stuck his ass up to the slot where they’d put his food trays. Sprayed a guard with diarrhea so hot, burned his face off to the bone. Been down here ever since. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Thawing complete. THE WARDEN Serving his sentence in ice, with the worst of the worst. Where the rest of us are safe from them. The Warden turns to a row of ice blocks containing: Suge Knight, Larry Nassar, Oscar Pistorius, Freddy Krueger, Anton Chigurh, Lenny from ‘Of Mice and Men’, etc. Fat Bastard RISES FROM THE VAT on an industrial strainer. He BURPS UP A LOAD OF GOO, GASPING FOR AIR. INT. EXAMINATION AREA Technicians lead a disoriented Fat Bastard behind a frosted glass partition, which obscures his genitals. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Cleansing stage in process. Hot-water jets rinse the goo off him. ROBOTIC ARMS lift his titties and over-hanging front-butt to wash under them. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Cleansing complete. He’s then led to a screened-off toilet area. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Evacuation stage in process. We hear a DEAFENING BOUT OF DIARRHEA blast into the toilet. This continues for a while...and then a while longer still. The stream trickles to a STOP. Bastard emits a STRAINED GRUNT. The Warden moves for his holstered gun. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Evacuation com- WITH A POP, A FULLY INTACT MINI-ME SKELETON LAUNCHES OUT OF BASTARD’S ASS. The diarrhea begins again, even stronger. 6. The skeleton bounces off the wall and slides to Warden’s feet. THE WARDEN My god. The toilet OVERFLOWS as the diarrhea stops once more. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Evacuation com- The diarrhea starts again. It stops. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Evacuation com- A few staccato bursts of diarrhea. It stops again. LONG BEAT. LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) ...Evacuation compl- The diarrhea starts again. The Warden and guards look sick. INT. TURDHAM MEDICAL EXAMINATION ROOM A sterile white hospital room, empty aside from Fat Bastard in a hospital bed, a BIG MIRROR, and THE DOCTOR (Tilda Swinton). LOUDSPEAKER (O.S.) Psych evaluation in process. THE DOCTOR Welcome back, Fat Bastard. Your excretory system appears to be in working order, though your cognitive faculties may feel a bit clouded. Standard reaction, not to fret. The fog will lift. Shielding his eyes from the fluorescent lights, he realizes his hands are cuffed. His tits too. He ogles them in the mirror. FAT BASTARD (weakly) Bring me back to the toilet, love? THE DOCTOR You have...more diarrhea? FAT BASTARD I’d like to pound off. My titties, they’re perfectly preserved. THE DOCTOR Hmm. You may ‘pound off’ later. 7. Doctor jots a note on her clipboard. THE DOCTOR Let’s jog your memory a bit. Helps the gears start turning again. Your file says you grew up in Glasgow, correct? Can you recall anything from that period? Fat Bastard winces, bad memories flood back to him... FAT BASTARD I remember everything. Especially the pain. CUT TO BLACK EXT. GLASGOW SUBURBS - NIGHT On the doorstep of a rundown duplex, a BABY SWADDLED IN A KILT. FAT BASTARD (V.O.) My parents abandoned me before I’d filled my first diaper with crap. LADY BODYBUILDER (RONDA ROUSEY) opens the door. She looks down. A note pinned to the swaddling: “SHITS TOO MUCH.” LADY BODYBUILDER Кто меня обременял этой свиньей? Bushy red eyebrows and sideburns——this is undeniably BABY FAT BASTARD. He rubs his baby nipples and scowls. FADE FORWARD... INT. GLASGOW HOME - DINING ROOM - EVENING Young Fat Bastard (now 11) eats dinner alongside LADY BODYBUILDER, MAN BODYBUILDER (Dolph Lundgren), and CHILD BODYBUILDER (Iain Armitage). FAT BASTARD (V.O.) I grew up in a reverse Harry Potter situation. See, I was the obese one, and my relatives had 0.01% body fat. I guess my titties served as my lightning scar, as in, a signature physical identifier? I don’t know..