AT LEAST YOU LOOK GOOD LEARNING TO GLOW THROUGH WHAT YOU GO THROUGH KATIE DEPAOLA Copyright © 2020 by Katie DePaola All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. ISBN: 978-1-951407-35-3 Paperback ISBN: 978-1-951407-36-0 eBook DISCLAIMER This work is non-!ction and, as such, re"ects the author’s memory of the experiences. Many of the names and identi‐ fying characteristics of the individuals featured in this book have been changed to protect their privacy and certain indi‐ viduals are composites. Dialogue and events have been recreated; in some cases, conversations were edited to convey their substance rather than written exactly as they occurred. CONTENTS Introduction ix PART ONE BASICS 1. Choosing Miracles 3 2. Fear of Glowing 5 3. The Lie of Looking Good 8 4. The Cycle of Loving and Losing 11 PART TWO BODY 5. Existential Anxiety 19 6. From Anxiety to Action 22 7. Get Your Glow On 28 8. When Life Gives You Lyme 32 9. Syphilis and a Second Test 38 10. The Final Clue 44 11. The Self-Care Scandal 54 12. A Self-Care Solution 61 13. What I Learned From Lyme 67 14. Manifestation and Partial Hospitalization 70 15. The Awakening 79 PART THREE BEAUTY 16. Ugly Marks 87 17. A Whole Glow New World 93 18. The Kim Kardashian of Self-Help 105 19. Thunder Thighs 114 20. The Beauty Disconnect 121 21. Enough Is Enough 126 22. Tough But Beautiful 131 PART FOUR BOYS 23. Daddy Issues 143 24. Mixed Messages 147 25. Needy Is an Energy 155 26. The Four Man Plan 162 27. Blood Diamonds 171 28. The End of an Era 186 29. He’s Not Dead 190 30. Come Back to Me 198 31. Making Love 210 PART FIVE BYE 32. Willing to Walk Away 217 33. The Most Important Question 221 34. Finding Your Glow 225 35. Unexpected Gratitude 231 36. Making Good by Doing Good 237 Acknowledgments 241 To all the girls who have walked through !re to become the women they are today. And, of course, my brother Bo. INTRODUCTION “Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything !ies and goes away.” —Frida Kahlo I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. It didn’t matter how many heartbreaks I went through or how much pain I endured. I believed that eventually, the right love would come, and when it did, it would last forever. As a kid, forever seemed like a long time. It seemed like, well, forever. But forever didn’t seem like just a timeline to me. Forever seemed like an approach, a way of loving that was eternal, lasting and essentially perfect. Forever love would be without pain. I believed that if I could just "nd the perfect love, then the perfect life would come with it. Then, "nally, everything would feel okay. It wasn’t that things weren’t okay, though. In fact, every‐ thing was okay, and that was precisely the problem. I x INTRODUCTION wanted more. I was unimpressed with life. I was disap‐ pointed by the dullness and the monotony of the day to day. By the start of 2015, to the outside world, it looked like I was doing pretty well. I had just started my third company, Inner Glow Circle, and bought my second condo in Wash‐ ington, D.C. I had a wildly supportive family, lots of great friends, a few pairs of designer shoes and all the Whole Foods I could ask for. But something felt wrong, really wrong, and it took years of healing to understand that although there wasn’t anything wrong with me, there was a lot wrong with the world. I was a highly sensitive person living in an increas‐ ingly toxic world. The toxicity wasn’t limited to my food or my beauty products. It had also seeped into my mind. I had been fed decades of defunct messaging about love, happi‐ ness, success and what it meant to be a woman. I was tired of being judged by how I looked, how cute my apartment was or how happy my family looked on our Christmas card. The other catch-22, though, was that I liked looking good. When I looked good, I felt less pain. By the end of 2015, I felt completely alone. I was exhausted by all the dead ends, the failed attempts, the trying and trying and trying. I didn’t look sick. I didn’t look like I was grieving. I didn’t look like I’d just escaped an abusive relationship. But I had, and that’s what was confus‐ ing. Everyone said I looked good, but I felt like shit. I knew I had to be nearing the end of a cycle. I believed in God and there was no way She wanted me to su$er forever. I was meant for that forever love. Surely, the pain was meant to teach me something, but what? My name is Katie DePaola and I’m a mindset and resilience expert. I help people "nd healing, meaning and INTRODUCTION xi growth after—and often while—they go through the biggest challenges of their lives. I’m assuming if you’re reading this that you’ve been through some shit. You’ve had your heart torn out. You’ve lost someone you love. You’ve been overlooked, underpaid, taken advantage of or completely misled. You’ve been told you’re not worthy, that your dreams are too big, that you should “keep your day job” and that you should just be grateful for what you have. The problem is that you’re not content. You want more. There’s a careful balance between "ghting for opportu‐ nity and letting it come to you. The answer, for me, was to let up on some of the "ght and start allowing myself to surrender. To walk the line between surviving and thriving. It wasn’t a single-lane approach. I didn’t only have to go through di%cult moments. I could glow through them as they were happening. My personal mantra became, “Glow through what you go through.” This is still my mantra today. It’s also part of the mission of my company, Inner Glow Circle, which helps women "nd their purpose and get paid to live it. This book is less about self-help and more about self- awareness. It’s about self-advocacy, "nding your voice and trusting yourself along the way. It’s about managing the ups and downs of love and loss, and "guring out how to "nd the glow in the dark without being sucked into the world of toxic positivity. Glowing through what I go through is my number-one strategy for moving forward, making peace with life and creating beauty from pain. Can you glow through what you go through? What path can you take to get there? These are the questions of this book. xii INTRODUCTION The human brain is hardwired toward negativity. The road most traveled is one of pessimism, limited possibility and feeling like a victim. But who wants to be on that road forever? Learning to glow through what you go through is ulti‐ mately mindset work. In pivotal moments, many times a day, you must take the thought less traveled. It’s work. But I promise it’s worth it. I now live my life by a handful of rules. They’ve helped me get through losing my brother, beat Lyme disease after a 10-year battle and recover from the most terrifying relation‐ ship I could have ever imagined. Most importantly, these rules have allowed me to keep evolving my life, my business and myself along the way. I took Inner Glow Circle from a self-funded startup to a million-dollar business, trained hundreds of life coaches, built a loyal team, created a solid business partnership, attracted the best friends I’ve ever had and opened my heart to love again and again. I’ve become the woman I’ve always wanted to be—well, almost. Here are my top "ve rules of life: 1. Life gets to get better and better. 2. Take giving up o$ the table. 3. Ask what’s possible, not what’s probable. 4. It’s this or something better, always. 5. What’s meant for me can’t miss me. When I lost my brother, he was gone but he was every‐ where. When I had Lyme, I lost my health, but I found my purpose. When my relationship ended, I lost who I thought I was, but discovered who I wanted to become. For most of my life, I was your typical people pleaser. INTRODUCTION xiii It’s not that I don’t listen to other people’s opinions anymore. It’s just that I care about my opinion of me the most. When it comes to everyone else, I’ve decided my purpose is to challenge the norm and push others to do the same. I want this book to encourage that boldness within you. I want my stories to inspire you to own your desires, stop apologizing for wanting more, fall in and out of love a million times and "nally go for your dreams. PART ONE BASICS ONE CHOOSING MIRACLES “Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.