Has someone died? Restoring hope PI1229-B-Cruse 6_Q8:Layout 1 30/11/2009 15:23 Page 2 Has someone died? Coping with bereavement The death of someone close can be shattering. Everyone experiences grief differently; there is no ‘normal’ or ‘right’ way to grieve. How we react will be influenced by many different things, including our age and personality, our cultural background and religious beliefs, our previous experiences of bereavement, our circumstances and how we cope with loss. This leaflet is about what you can do to help yourself, how others can help you, how you can help other people who may be struggling to cope after the death of someone close, and where you can get more advice and support. PI1229-B-Cruse 6_Q8:Layout 1 30/11/2009 15:23 Page 3 Cruse Bereavement Care For help and support and for details of your local Cruse service: Cruse is a national charity that • visit our website at provides advice, information and www.cruse.org.uk support to anyone who has been • telephone our national helpline bereaved (children, young people and freephone on 0808 808 1677 adults), whenever or however the • email us at [email protected] death occurred. The service is provided by trained, experienced volunteers, Children and young people can: and is confidential and free. • telephone our young people’s freephone helpline on Cruse provides face-to-face, 0808 808 1677 telephone, email and website support • visit Hope Again – our website both post- and pre-bereavement. We designed by and for young people – have a national helpline, and local at www.hopeagain.org.uk services throughout England, Wales (see page 17 of this leaflet) and Northern Ireland. Our sister • email Hope Again at organisation Cruse Scotland provides [email protected] services in Scotland. We offer: • someone to talk to face-to-face, or on the telephone • online support • groups – some bereaved people find it helpful to talk to others in similar circumstances • information – about many aspects of bereavement and other sources of help and support • face-to-face, telephone helpline and online support for children and young people. Has someone died? • 3 PI1229-B-Cruse 6_Q8:Layout 1 30/11/2009 15:23 Page 4 Has someone died? What people tell us ‘I feel out of control. My emotions are all over the place − one minute I’m After a death you may initially feel OK, the next minute I’m in tears.’ shocked, numb, guilty, angry, afraid Mood swings can be very frightening and full of pain. These feelings may but they are normal. You may feel as if change to feelings of longing, sadness, you are on an emotional roller coaster. loneliness − even hopelessness and You may feel overwhelmed and find it fear about the future. difficult to do even everyday tasks. It can be hard to concentrate. Some These feelings are not unnatural, or people find it helpful to throw wrong. They are all ‘normal’ reactions themselves into work; others find they to what may be the most difficult need to take some time out of day- experience of your life. Over time to-day life and activities. Everyone these feelings should lessen. needs to find their own way of coping. Every person’s experience of grief is ‘I can’t eat or sleep.’ unique, but these are some of the Physical reactions to a death are very things people often say when they common. You may lose your appetite, come to us for help following a have difficulty sleeping, or feel bereavement. exhausted all the time. People are also often very vulnerable to physical ‘I don’t feel anything. I feel numb.’ illnesses after a bereavement. If you The shock can make you feel numb. are not sleeping well, you may feel You may feel confused and lost. This mentally drained and unable to think should pass with time. You may find straight. These are normal reactions to initially you can carry on as if nothing distress and loss, and should pass in has happened. This is a way of time. But you may want to consult managing the pain and loss and can your GP if the problems persist. help you get through the early days when there is so much to do. PI1229-B-Cruse 6_Q8:Layout 1 30/11/2009 15:23 Page 5 ‘I keep hearing his voice. I’m worried ‘I feel so guilty.’ that I’m going mad.’ A lot of people talk to us about It may take you some time to grasp feelings of guilt − for being alive, what has happened. Don’t worry. It is when the person is dead; for not quite normal to see the person, to having somehow prevented their hear their voice, or find yourself death; for having let them down in talking to them, especially if they were some way. You may find yourself an important presence in your life. It constantly thinking: ‘If only…’ If only I can often happen when you least had contacted the doctor sooner, if expect it, as if your mind has only I had showed them how much I temporarily ‘forgotten’ that they cared when they were alive. You may have died. be constantly asking yourself ‘why?’ Why them? Why did this happen to ‘I feel such pain. I keep on thinking us? Why didn’t I do more? Death can again and again about what happened. seem cruel and unfair. It can make I keep going over every detail of her people feel powerless and helpless. last few days.’ These emotions can be very painful to This again is a common reaction, live with, but feeling guilty will not particularly where the death was help. It is important to try to focus on sudden and unexpected, or occurred in the good times, and not to dwell on traumatic circumstances. It is the things in the past that you cannot mind’s way of dealing with what has change. happened. You may feel immense emotional pain − some people can find this overwhelming and frightening. Has someone died? • 5 PI1229-B-Cruse 6_Q8:Layout 1 30/11/2009 15:23 Page 6 Has someone died? ‘I feel so depressed. Life has no perfectly healthy and understandable meaning without her. I can’t see the response to feeling out of control, point of going on.’ powerless and abandoned. Hopelessness and despair are understandable reactions when ‘Everyone just vanished after the someone who has been a central part funeral. Now friends won’t look me in of your life dies. It is not unusual for the eye when I see them in the street, people facing bereavement to think and no one calls round any more.’ about their own death, and even think Friends and acquaintances may seem about taking their own life as a way of to be avoiding you, particularly once escaping the pain. It is important to the funeral is over. This is often talk to people you trust about these because they don’t know how to thoughts, and to remember that life behave or what to say. You may want does go on, and while there will to talk about the person who has died, always be someone missing in your and find that people keep trying to life, there are many things that are change the subject, or suggest that it worth living for. It may be helpful to is ‘bad for you’ to talk about them so talk through these feelings of much. Talking about the person who hopelessness and despair with has died is an important part of the someone experienced in bereavement grieving process, and hopefully there support or bereavement counselling. are people in your life who will listen and understand, and be able to share ‘I feel so angry with him. How could your memories. he leave me like this?’ You may find yourself facing family, ‘I can’t concentrate at work.’ financial and domestic responsibilities People can find it hard to concentrate with which you don’t feel able to following a death, which may create cope. You may feel very angry that difficulties at work. Explain this to suddenly you have to deal with all your manager. You may be able to these things. You may feel angry with come to some temporary someone you feel is responsible in arrangement about shorter working some way for the death. Anger is a hours, or other ways of helping you completely normal part of grief. It is a through this difficult time. PI1229-B-Cruse 6_Q8:Layout 1 30/11/2009 15:23 Page 7 ‘I thought I’d be over this by now. It’s arrangements, legacies and been months and I still find myself responsibilities for dealing with the bursting into tears.’ dead person’s possessions and Sometimes it is just when you think property. you should be feeling better that you feel as if you are falling apart. In the I don’t know how I’ll cope with the early days following a bereavement, anniversary of her death.’ family and friends often rally around You may be particularly affected on and it is only later, when everyone has and near significant anniversaries for gone home and you are left with your many years after a death. Some grief, that the reality of the death hits people find it helpful to plan in you. The physical and emotional advance what they are going to do on loneliness can be very hard to bear. those days, to avoid feeling left alone There is no time limit on grief.