1 A FUNERAL RESOURCE BOOK BY REV. ALEX. B. NOBLE POSSIBLE TITLES: A Funeral Resource Book Funerals A Funeral Handbook Comforting Those Who Mourn Dust to Dust to Resurrection Conducting Funerals Pastoral Care of the Bereaved "In Sure and Certain Hope of Resurrection." Good News in the Face of Bad News The Art of Funerals DEDICATION: I dedicate this book to my five congregations so far, namely: ST. MARK'S PARISH CHURCH, RAPLOCH, STIRLING DUNBAR PARISH CHURCH. FYVIE PARISH CHURCH ROTHIENORMAN PARISH CHURCH SALTCOATS NORTH PARISH CHURCH They have been the people among whom I have learned the art of conducting funerals and giving pastoral care to the bereaved. 2 ABOUT THE AUTHOR: The Rev. Alex. B. Noble was born on 23 May 1955 in Fraserburgh, Scotland and brought up in the twin Aberdeenshire fishing villages of Cairnbulg and Inverallochy. His father, George S. Noble was a fish market auctioneer and businessman who became minister of Newarthill Parish Church near Motherwell for twenty eight years. The author graduated M.A. (in English and History) from Glasgow University in 1976, then B.D. (Honours in Systematic Theology) from Aberdeen University in 1979. After completing a Th.M. degree at Princeton Theological Seminary in the USA he served as an Assistant Minister in St.Ninian’s Parish Church, Corstorphine, Edinburgh. Alex. Noble was ordained as a Church of Scotland minister on 6 th . January 1982 and inducted as minister of St.Mark’s Parish Church, Raploch, Stirling for over eleven years. After six years as minister of Dunbar Parish Church in East Lothian, he became minister of the linked charges of Fyvie Parish Church and Rothienorman Parish Church in rural Aberdeenshire. His present charge is Saltcoats North Parish Church in Ayrshire. In 1991 he married Patricia West from Fraserburgh, Aberdeenshire who was a college lecturer in Business Studies. In his twenty years as a parish minister in various types of charges ranging from city to urban priority area to small town to rural villages and farms, the author has conducted well over 600 funerals. Visits before and after funerals mean that bereavement and death have been a daily part of his life and ministry and a particular interest within his general vocation. In 1999 his first book, entitled “Sunshine Through Shadows” was published by the Saint Andrew Press. It is a companion volume to this one in that it is written mainly for those who are bereaved and in grief while this one is written especially for those who seek to comfort them. 3 CONTENTS. A. THE FUNERAL SERVICE. 1. Arrangements 2. Beginning Funerals 3. Opening Sentences 4. Hymns and Music 5. Prayers 6. Readings 7. Poems 8. Parables 9. Eulogies and Prayerful Life Stories 10. Silence 11. The Committal 12. Benedictions 13. Particular Types of Funerals 14. Scattering or Burying Ashes B. PASTORAL CARE. 1. Before the Funeral 2. During the Funeral 3. After the Funeral C. ISSUES RELATED TO FUNERALS. 1. Legalities and Practicalities 2. Fees and Gifts 3. No Private Funerals 4. The Minister-Undertaker Relationship 5. A Note Regarding Undertakers 6. Extra Bits and Handling Awkward Customers 7. Going Back For Tea 8. Grief and Bereavement 9. Theology Of Death APPENDIX 1 A Complete Funeral in the Light of All the Above. APPENDIX 2 A Letter to Someone Recently Bereaved BIBLIOGRAPHY 4 A. THE FUNERAL SERVICE. 1. ARRANGEMENTS From the point of view of the minister or anyone who is conducting a funeral, in any capacity, the funeral begins as soon as the telephone rings or the doorbell chimes. (No wonder then that ministers sometimes get a phobia about ringing bells)! Ideally there is a relationship with the deceased and some members of their family before the death, but unfortunately often there is not. The door or phone bell rings and in an instant, life is changed! You may be washing the dog or playing with the baby; having a domestic row or be engaged in creative writing; perhaps watching your favourite television programme or absorbed in a pet project, but someone else's tragedy is your interruption. “Interruption” of course is not a healthy way to look at it. This is what we are called by God to do and it is our great desire and privilege to bring comfort to those who mourn (see Isaiah 61.1-3). Still, there is no getting away from the fact that in the twinkling of an eye you have to “go up the gears” and operate in a pastoral way (like it or not at this particular moment). This may incur the wrath of the dog, the children, your spouse or simply other aspects of your complex self other than the zealous workaholic! I was trained to always drop everything (within reason) and immediately run round and visit the bereaved family. I never really got a good explanation of what might be considered "within reason" nor indeed "beyond reason". That is the big question; that is the question which, if answered incorrectly, can cause immense personal stress and considerable marital strain even to the extent of divorce! We wear more than one hat and we have responsibilities in more than one direction, so we have to deal with the call for our services with more sophistication than simply always sublimating all things to rushing round to visit the funeral house. The other side of this coin is that quite often it turns out that the bereaved family does not want you round immediately. The death may just have occurred and they want to buy breathing space before meeting you or indeed 5 anyone. They may not know you and so they will have the stress of relating with a stranger at a time when they do not feel up to such an exercise of social skills. Even if they do know you, they may not want to answer a lot of questions. Furthermore, you represent the funeral of their loved one and the stark reality of death which are the very two things which a large part of them is busily trying to deny and block out. Often they are already out and about registering the death, buying black ties, closing bank accounts etc. All of this is stressful, especially within hours of the death, and so they have to psyche themselves up for it. Your unannounced arrival means that they have to psyche themselves up all over again. (Usually they can't settle until they have registered the death). For all these reasons there is much wisdom in thinking twice before rushing round to the bereaved family. I usually now telephone people first to introduce myself and ask when it would be most convenient for me to call round. I specifically mention the possibility of coming round right away (if that is at all possible for me to do) but then leave them to make the choice. More often than not we fix up an appointment later that same day but not right away. This also has the advantage that the chief mourners can gather the wider family (if they wish) so that they can all meet the minister and be involved in any family discussions. Conversely it also gives them time to get rid of any family or visitors whom they do not want involved! Sometimes when I telephone, the mourners express their preference for meeting me at my manse rather than in their own home, so I now offer them this choice. This can be because of noisy dogs or children or certain members of the family or friends who might cause embarrassment. For all these reasons the phone call gives the family and the minister much more flexibility. "As far as possible" I try to come round immediately. This phrase however has been reinterpreted at every stage in my ministry. As a zealous, young bachelor in my first charge I went round immediately almost without exception. Now, as a zealous, middle-aged married man, I find that there are more exceptions! I still frequently face the phenomenon of "going up the gears" as when you come home from the Sunday School picnic hot, sticky, sunburnt and tired, just dreaming of a long cool drink and calamine lotion, then just as you are putting the car into the garage, someone shouts: "It's the phone for you; it's about a funeral!" You know that you have to quickly leap from plodding mechanically towards that vision of the cool 6 drink in the fridge, to calming the fevered brow of others with much bigger problems than yours. It is a huge psychological journey but you have to traverse it and do so in only seconds before speaking to the mourners! As always, your function is both a task one and a relational one and it is primarily relational. On the face of it you are meeting for the task of making practical funeral arrangements. That however is the least of it. There is so much more to the funeral visit than simply agreeing where, when and how to hold the funeral. Very often the person conducting someone's funeral has never met that person nor indeed the mourning family and friends. Isn't that an amazing fact? Fortunately it does not mean that the funeral is doomed from the outset to being an empty and mediocre exercise. However it does mean that a lot of relating has to be squeezed into a very short time and at a very stressful time. This is quite a challenge! It is a challenge from both sides: the minister faces the prospect of saying meaningful things to people with whom he has little or no pastoral relationship and they are looking for comfort from a relative or absolute stranger.