Episode Two: Sex and violence Flying Sheep French lecture on sheep-aircraft A man with three buttocks A man with two noses Musical mice Marriage guidance counsellor The wacky queen Working-class playwright A Scotsman on a horse The wrestling epilogue The mouse problem Colour code: John Cleese - Michael Palin - Eric Idle - Graham Chapman - Terry Jones - Terry Gilliam - Carol Cleveland A man appears on the top of a sand dune some way away. He loks in direction of camera and runs towards it. He disappears on top of a closer dune and continues towards camera disappearing again into a dip. This time while he is out of sight, the sound of him running is the sound of someone running along a prison corridor, followed by a big door opening and closing.He appears again only two sand dunes away. Still running towards camera he disappears again from sight. This time there is a loud metallic series of sounds followed by a pig squealing. He appears over the nearest dune and runs up to camera. It's Man It's... Voice Over Monty Python's Flying Circus. These words are followed by various strange images, possibly connected with the stretching of owls, and proceeding from a bizarre Amerian immigrant's feveral brain. At the end of this expensive therapy: CAPTION: 'PART 2' CAPTION: 'SHEEP' A small set of a gate in the country overlooking a field. A real rustic in smock and floppy hat is leaning on the gate. A city gent on holiday appears behind him. Off-screen baa-ing noises throughout. City Gent Good afternoon. Rustic Afternoon. City Gent A lovely day isn't it. Rustic Eh, 'tis that. City Gent You here on holiday or...? Rustic Nope, I live 'ere. City Gent Oh, jolly good too. (surveys field; he looks puzzled) I say, those are sheep aren't they? Rustic Ar. City Gent Yes, yes of course, I thought so...only...er why are they up in the trees? Rustic A fair question and one that in recent weeks has been much on my mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nesting. City Gent Nesting? Rustic Ar. City Gent Like birds? Rustic Ar. Exactly. Birds is the key to the whole problem. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their behavior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their back legs. (off-screen baa-ing) Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet. (sound of sheep plummeting) Observe for example that ewe in that oak tree. She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly. (baaaaaa...thump) Talk about the blind leading the blind. City Gent But why do they think they're birds? Rustic Another fair question. One thing is for sure; a sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perchin'. (crash) As you see. As for flight, its body is totally unadapted to the problems of aviation. Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their heads, there's no shifting it. City Gent But where did they get the idea from? Rustic From Harold. He's that sheep there over under the elm. He's that most dangerous of animals, a clever sheep. He's the ring-leader. He has realized that a sheep's life consists of standing around for a few months and then being eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep. He's patently hit on the idea of escape. City Gent Well why don't you just get rid of Harold? Rustic Because of the enormous commercial possibilities should he succeed. Two Frenchmen stand in front of a diagram of a sheep adapted for flying. They speak rapidly in French, much of it pseudo. First Bonsoir - ici nous avons les diagrammes modernes d'un mouton anglo-français ... Frenchman maintenant ... baa-aa, baa-aa... nous avons, dans la tête, le cabinc. Ici, on se trouve le petit capitaine Anglais, Monsieur Trubshawe. Second Vive Brian, wherever you are. Frenchman First D'accord, d'accord. Maintenant, je vous présente mon collègue, le pouf célèbre, Jean- Frenchman Brian Zatapathique. Transfers his moustache to Second Frenchman Second Maintenant, le mouton ... le landing ... les wheels, bon. Frenchman Opens diagram to show wheels on sheep's legs. First Bon, les wheels, ici. Frenchman Second C'est formidable, n'est ce pas ... (unintelligibly indicates motor at rear of sheep) Frenchman First Les voyageurs ... les bagages ... ils sont ... ici! Frenchman Triumphantly opens the rest of the diagram to reveal the whole brilliant arrangement. They run round flapping their arms and baa-ing. Cut to pepperpots in supermarket with off-screen interviewer. First Oh yes, we get a lot of French people round here. Pepperpot Second Ooh Yes. Pepperpot Third All over yes. Pepperpot Interviewer And how do you get on with these French people? First Oh very well. Pepperpot Fourth So do I. Pepperpot Third Me too. Pepperpot First Oh yes I like them. I mean, they think well don't they? I mean, be fair - Pascal. Pepperpot Second Blaise Pascal. Pepperpot Third Jean-Paul Sartre. Pepperpot First Yes, Voltaire. Pepperpot Second Ooh! - René Descartes. Pepperpot René Descartes is sitting thinking. Bubbles come from his head with 'thinks'. Suddenly he looks happy. In thought bubble appears 'I THINK THEREFORE I AM'. A large hand comes into the picture with a pin and pricks the thought bubble. It deflates and disappears. After a second René disappears too. Studio: Smart looking and confident announcer sitting at desk. Announcer And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks! Interviewer and Arthur Frampton, in interview studio. Interviewer Good evening, I have with me, Mr Arthur Frampton, who has...Mr. Frampton, I understand that you...er...as it were...have er...well, let me put it another way...I believe Mr. Frampton that whereas most people have - er - two...two...you...you Frampton I'm sorry. Interviewer Ah yes, yes I see...Um, Are you quite comfortable? Frampton Yes fine, thank you. Interviewer (takes a quick glance at Frampton's bottom) Er, Mr Frampton... vis-à-vis...your...rump. Frampton I beg your pardon? Interviewer Er, your rump. Frampton What? Interviewer Your posterior....derriere...sit upon. Frampton What's that? Interviewer (whispers) ...Buttocks. Frampton Oh, me bum! Interviewer Sshhh! Well Mr. Frampton I understand Mr Frampton, you have a... 50% bonus in the...in the region of what you said. Frampton I got three cheeks. Interviewer Yes, yes, Splendid, splendid. Well...we were wondering, Mr Frampton, if you...could...see your way clear... Frampton (seeing a camera moving round behind him) Here? What's that camera doing? Interviewer Er, nothing, nothing at all, sir. We were wondering if you could see your way clear...to giving us...a quick... a quick... visual... Mr Frampton, will you take your trousers down? Frampton What? (slapping away a hand from off-screen) 'Ere, get off! I'm not taking me trousers down on television. Who do you think I am? Interviewer Please take them down. Frampton No. Interviewer Just a little bit. Frampton No. Interviewer No, er ahem...(firmly) Now look here Mr Frampton... It's perfectly easy for somebody just to come along here to the BBC simply claiming... that they have a bit to spare in the botty department...but the point is Mr. Frampton... our viewers need proof. Frampton I've been on Persian Radio...Get off! Arthur Figgis knows I've got three buttocks. Interviewer How? Frampton We go cycling together. Cut to shot of two men riding tandem. The one behind (Graham) looks down, looks up and exclaims 'strewth'. Announcer's desk: confident announcer again. Announcer And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks. Interview studio again. Interviewer Good evening, I have with me, Mr Arthur Frampton, who... Mr. Frampton - I understand that you, as it were...well, let me put it another way...I believe Mr. Frampton that whereas most people...didn't we do this just now? Frampton Er...yes. Interviewer Well why didn't you say so? Frampton I thought it was the continental version. Announcer's desk: confident announcer. Announcer And now for something completely the same - a man with three buttocks. (phone on desk rings - he answers it) Hullo? ...Oh, did we. (puts phone down; to camera) And now for something completely different. A man with three noses. Off-screen He's not here yet! Voice Announcer Two noses? Stock shot of audience of Woman's Institute type, applauding. A man flourishing a handferchief blows his nose. Then he puts his handkerchief inside his shirt and blows again. Stock shot of women applauding again. Compère Ladies and gentlemen isn't she just great eh, wasn't she just great. Ha, ha, ha, and she can run as fast as she can sing, ha, ha, ha. And I'm telling you - 'cos I know. No, only kidding. Ha, ha, ha. Seriously now, ladies and gentlemen, we have for you one of the most unique acts in the world today. He's...well I'll say no more, just let you see for yourselves...ladies and gentlemen, my very great priviledge to introduve Arthur Ewing, and his musical mice. Cut to Ewing Ewing Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. I have in this box twenty-three white mice. Mice which have been painstakingly trained over the past few years, to squeak at a selected pitch.