YOU'LL GET A BANG OUR PRICE OUT OF THIS ISSUE OF limn IMUMI It should look blurred to if ugure II you wraia yoajr yon. Mainly fcrraujir it real ffTe^hadractM^aaaiitWaoV •ou II eou up out of Ioro* CM ounx %%uJt. g ^. we're printing it esartl* Wk* i tell? *neuay. fur tU» in Well, k t» the beat way we eould think of to at* you Why «rr we doing into fHir iiUccw and mom no yon u itrtui your eye* to we ctrfild take you for plenty It, thai** why! by m efrhargtiig for leti**** and We're alto running ad* w frame* and eye-drop* and like blurred picture*—no you'll that* We. hrina all the greedy strain your eye* o« OptotnHriftt* A Oruli*t* in the Welter Vision •••lues* A»»*r. NUMBER 82 OCTOBER 1963 VITAL FEATURES TALKING ADS 4 There was a time when a product really spoke for itself. Today, it spouts clever words in "Talking "Some minds are like concrete . all mixed up and permanently set!" Ads"—and "talk is cheap." —Alfred E. Neuman WILIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor THE NURTZES 7 Here's our version of the JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production TV show devoted to the JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MEGUN associate editors distaff side of medicine. MARTIN J. SCHEIMAN laWSUltS RICHARD HERNSTEIN publicity Only we show dis staff a GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, NELSON TIRADO subscriptions little more realistically. CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS the usual gang of idiots REPORT ON PROGRESS 12 DEPARTMENTS MAD examines the develop­ AUTO-SUGGESTION DEPARTMENT ment of several items and Wheelers And Dealers 37 - decides that "Progress" does not always result in BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT that "Important Product"! The Lighter Side Of Parents (Of Little Kids) 24 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT The Masterpiece , 15 COMICLAND MAGAZINE 17 On A Saturday Afternoon 30 There are magazines about FUNNIES ARE PEOPLE DEPARTMENT the personal lives of the Comicland Magazine 17 movie stars. Why not one about "Comic Strip Stars"— HITCHCOCK-A-DOODLE-DOO DEPARTMENT who are much more human! For The Birds 43 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy 23 PARENTS (OF LITTLE KIDS) 24 Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 42 Dave Berg took an honest LETTERS DEPARTMENT look at himself as a Par­ ent, wrote this hilarious Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 piece, and then made his MAKING A BIG SPLASH DEPARTMENT kids run away from home. Swimming Pools—A New Status Symbol 31 MARQUEE DE SAD DEPARTMENT Long And Pretentious Titles For TV Dramas 28 SWIMMING POOLS 31 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Today, to own a swimming Drawn-Out Dramas ** pool, you have to "float a loan." Then, when your MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS DEPARTMENT neighbors see it, you'll New Opportunities For Recent Grads 39 never "float alone" again. PATENT PLANNING DEPARTMENT MAD's Report On Progress 12 NEW OPPORTUNITIES FOR GRADS ... .39 POSTAL INTROSPECTION DEPARTMENT Psychiatry By Mail 34 Looking for money-making ideas? Consider the MAD THE BLURBS IS COMING DEPARTMENT business ideas suggested Future Talking Ads 4 in this article. Then go WARD HEALERS DEPARTMENT out and get an honest job. The Nurtzes 7 **Various Places Around The Magazine FOR THE BIRDS 43 Hitchcock, the master of MAD-Oclober 1963 Vol. 1, Number 82, is published monthly except February, May, August and November, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, New York. Second Class Postage paid at macabre, introduces a new New York, N. Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 in the U.S. Elsewhere, $2.50. Allow 6 weeks (or change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright 1963 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and formula for horror films: Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and. request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-oddressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi- Boy meets Gull—and once fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. again feathers his nest. YOU CAN'T WIN MISERY IS A COLD HOT DOG Generally, you turn out a wholesome, Having just devoured your July issue satirical magazine. Issue No. 80 (July) (No. 80), I must pause to shout "Bravo!" was not. Your last article, "The Tenth As usual, this issue brought much enjoy­ Hour" was a definite slap in the face of ment with its clever handling of current all patriotic Americans who still uphold topics. The "Misery" material is especially the glorious image of that great Vice outstanding, perhaps even to the point of President and citizen, Richard Nixon. providing a most worthy companion to From now on, keep your biased prejudices Charlie Schulz's original opus. I found to yourself! that it stirred up the same poignant mem­ ories, and proved that most any childhood THANKS-NO THANKS Bobby Shapiro Baltimore, Md. is a combination of both the bitter and A magazine such as yours is a vital the sweet. part of our free society. The satirists of I read your MAD Magazine because it Donald Clawson our country (you are the best at this) offers many good laughs. You have a Cincinnati, Ohio point out its faults. That great statesman, unique way of expressing the thoughts of Benjamin Franklin, did something simi­ the people and the passions of the times lar under a pen name—Gabby Doesbad. —on most subjects. Now, I ask you this: He made jest of the evils of old Boston About two weeks ago, I read for the Lay off the White House! JFK is doing a first time "Happiness is a Warm Puppy." and helped to bring about changes there. damn good job! Let him be! Thomas Nast, a cartoonist, helped to Thank you for your satirical follow-up. smash New York's infamous Tweed Ring TSgt. G. M. Bravo "Misery is a Cold Hot Dog" was just as 1^ in the late 1800's. But you, MAD, do APO-283, New York, N. Y. touching. more than this. You not only mock our Jennifer Jager political shortcomings, but our social ones OVERSEAS AUDITION New Hope, Pa. as well. Certainly, you cannot suddenly change our social habits, but you can at least point out its many faults. And in Your "Misery is a Cold Hot Dog" was doing that, you deserve our thanks. magnificent. You have captured the true Nathan Katz spirit of Childhood far better than the Camden, N. J. Charles Schulz "Happiness" book. Marton and Norma David You may think that writing such rub­ San Francisco, Calif. / bish in a magazine is funny, but to me it's revolting. Kidding can go so far, and Your mind-rotting trash is having its then it gets sickening. I have read your How about a deserving sequel to your uncensored (it seems) magazine a num­ effect even over here in this forgotten -\ land. Mainly, the Junior Class at Yamoto gorgeous "Misery" called "Misery is a ber of times, and I can say it is without a Cold Hot Dog And a Warm Coke" ... ? doubt the worst trash I have ever read. I High School sponsored a talent show for students. We entered as "The Brothers Then you could include: "Misery is when 1 am looking forward to when your maga­ MAD," singing "The Birch Hymn of the your piano teacher changes your lesson zines are taken out of the country and from Thursday night to Saturday after­ never sold here again! Republic" from your "Sing Along With MAD Song Book," and won! noon!" Steven Bruskin Ginny Gan Bethesda, Md. "The Brothers MAD" New York, N.Y. Tony Balentine Jim Balentine EMPTY PRAISE De Lutton "Misery is a Cold Hot Dog" was won­ I just read your latest issue of MAD. Charles Moy Tachikawa, Japan derful and nostalgic, but you left out one Everything was tremendous, except the important "Misery," mainly: "Misery is a material between the first and last covers. Gift Subscription to MAD!" Bill Dufty "BEST SELLER" COMMENT Tom Rasley Kellerton, Iowa Spokane, Wash. "How a Best-Seller is Born" was just MAD FOLLOWER delicious in its rap at those insults to hu­ How about "Misery is reading all the letters man intelligence, the photo-caption books that came in like the above"?—Ed. I loved your latest issue so much that I ... especially "Who's in Charge Here?"— foolishly showed it to my mother. When which is beneath contempt. she threatened to throw it out, I warned Gerry Gardner Happiness is a Takeoff of "Happiness" her that "where it goes, I go!" Oradell.N.J. in MAD Magazine. It was great! Misery Stanley Freedman is no Takeoff in MAD Magazine. City Dump That's pretty funny—coming from the au­ Charles Schulz Boston, Mass. thor of "Who's in Charge Here?"—Ed. Sebastopol, Calif. HERE WE GO WITH THE SAME OLD JAZZ . WE'D LIKE TO ABOUT FACE DRAWN-OUT DRAMAS Thanks for putting the small pictures where the small print used to be. Now, NEEDLE YOU we MAD fans who can't read small print can understand the marginals. Robert Lasus INTO BUYING Providence, R. I. Yeah, but what about all the MAD fans THEVOODOO who can't read small pictures?—Ed. MAD CHARACTER REFERENCE MAD I thought you might be interested in knowing the impression your magazine makes on the kids who read it. My six year old son called us in to see "the man from MAD Magazine on TV!" So we rushed in to have a look.