Insomniatic Elizabeth Coffman-Mackey The year I turned twelve, I could count my birthday gifts on one hand. Shelby bought me a hardcover copy of Breaking Dawn, and Jessica got me a Team Jacob t-shirt—a combo gift, of sorts. My dad wrote a letter riddled with spelling errors and gave me two hundred dollars. And you, you gave me Insomniatic. The CD was two years old, but it was the most recent piece of music released by Aly & AJ. They called themselves twins born three years apart, and we called ourselves sisters, though we were much more and less than that. Potential Breakup Song After my dad died, adults got into the habit of buying me ice cream. Aunt Nora bought me ice cream in big pink cups from the Baskin Robbins drive-thru on the way home from therapy sessions. Grandma brought back gallon buckets of vanilla, pressing her gnarled old finger to her lips like we could keep this a secret from the whole house. Marti and I even stopped by Dairy Barn after church, some Sundays. Adults buy kids ice cream when they feel bad for them is what I’m trying to tell you here. So, in a way, I almost felt worse when your mom asked if I wanted to go to Culvers with her. We were fourteen that year, the year the Culvers was new in Marquette. In any town with a population under fifty thousand in a tax bracket that thinks twenty is a splurge, the opening of a new fast food joint was a pretty big deal. We made the nearly thirty-minute drive from their house in the middle of the woods to the tiny strip of downtown that Marquette laid claim to in almost complete silence. You weren’t there to blast Justin Bieber, and she wasn’t - 25 - Insomniatic my mom, though God knows she was trying to be. We got mediums because I was too polite to order large but I felt too goddamn bad for myself to get small. “How is your relationship with God?” Aunt Leanne asked, the words kind but stilted, like I was a stranger. For the purposes of this story, me the pathetic orphan who was being pitied, I ought to have been small and skinny, barely picking at the melting dairy, but I wasn’t good at playing my part. “I go to church,” I said. “I struggle with my faith sometimes.” I was an atheist, of course, but she had just bought me ice cream. Leanne nodded. “This is just a phase she’s going through, I think,” she said. “Of course, we knew the day would come when she got boy crazy, but… don’t worry, sweetie. I’ll talk to her.” “Don’t!” I pleaded. “Really, it’s fine.” “It’s rude,” Leanne said. “You come all this way, and then…” “It’s fine, I get it,” I said. “It’s fine, really. I’ve been messaging Shelby back at the house. Besides, we’ll be up all night anyway. We talked about this,” we hadn’t, “and I don’t mind. I really, really don’t mind.” You don’t need me to tell you I did mind, right? You got home just before sunset, a shine in your eyes that told me what you did before you said it with your mouth. You told your parents we were going on a walk, and as soon as we were down the driveway, you had whipped out your iPod touch and hit play on “I Just Had Sex,” (The Lonely Island ft. Akon) You raised your plucked eyebrows at me. “How did it happen?” I asked, too bored for you. “We took a beach towel into the woods,” she said. “It was - 26 - Elizabeth Coffman-Mackey beautiful.” Getting fucked by your boyfriend of six months on a beach towel in the woods didn’t sound beautiful to me; it sounded like the ground would hurt your back and that there would be a danger of mosquito bites where a person really wouldn’t want mosquito bites. We did walk our usual lap. Up East White Bear, then White Bear, all the way to 510, down to the old bridge, and up the hill to the new bridge. Back down 510, past the yellow ragweed that smelled like pollen and the color of sunsets and August, it always smelled like August and Michigan and you. Somewhere back on White Bear drive, you admit that it hurt a little. “But it was amazing,” you say. “Like, I don’t know, it wasn’t that fun, I guess, but I’ve done it, you know?” We stayed up late talking, just like I promised my aunt, your mom. By one in the morning, when your parents were still watching Monk in the living room, the glimmer in your eyes was less exhilaration and more fear. After you showered, it was worse. “It still hurts,” you say. “And now—now I’m, like, bleeding down there? Is that supposed to happen?” “Let’s Google it—” “No! Are you insane, what if my parents see?!” “They won’t see on my iPod—” “What if you can check, somehow? It’s their WiFi! They can’t know, they can’t! Am I dying?” “You’re not dying, maybe it was just—I don’t know, too big? Is it your period?” “Not for two weeks!” We spoke in whispers, your chest shaking. Years later, someone said you either get scared before or after your first time, but I didn’t think you ever got scared. “Can you just—can you just get me a bag of frozen peas? - 27 - Insomniatic Go out to the freezer and sneak the peas back here, I just have to put something down there it hurts so bad it hurts.” “What if your parents see me carrying a bag of frozen peas? What do I say?” “Please!” I snuck the peas out of the freezer, hidden under my shirt while your dad asked how my day had been. You clamped them between your thighs, and asked me to sleep with you, just tonight. We were too big to share a twin bed—or, I was too big to share a twin bed, but you curled up against my side and said I just can’t sleep alone tonight, I can’t be alone, I can’t. And after all the lights were off and the glowing dials of the clock said it was well past four, you whispered what if I go to hell? And I pretended to be asleep. Bullseye Illinois farms could grow strawberries, with a lot of dedication and pesticide, but in general, berries grew up North, where you lived. All berries, especially blueberries. I didn’t really like blueberries, but I soon discovered blueberry picking was fun. Everything that far north in Michigan was rusty, the sun always hugging the horizon and bleeding the sky orange. The commerce there was all about iron, and the landscape was like a mirror of the economy. The scraggly bushes of blueberries, rowed right up to the faded red horizon were black, like twisted metal. The roads were warm too, earth that looked nothing like the brown dirt of the farmland I called home. The adults were busy, and you pointed off into the hazy sunset, voice low and husky, like we were telling scary stories. “There’s a big, abandoned house out that way,” you said. “The kids at youth group say it’s haunted, and no one’s been in there for years. They say some teenagers from Ishpeming - 28 - Elizabeth Coffman-Mackey went in there last year, and one of them went missing the next week.” “I didn’t hear that,” Meagan said. Meagan was older, but she looked like me. You were already too cool for her, but we were 12, young enough that older meant something to us. “It’s true!” you said. “There’s an abandoned house down there.” “That wasn’t what I said wasn’t true…” Meagan said. I wasn’t listening. I had started walking down the road, blueberry bucket abandoned by the shoulder. “HEY!” You were a runner, and you slammed your hand down on my shoulder in a second. “What do you think you’re doing?” “You said there’s an abandoned house,” I said. “I wanna see it.” The grownups were long gone, would be for a while. “That’s dangerous,” you said. “So?” I asked. “It’s abandoned. The sun’s out. What’s the worst that could happen?” “I’m not coming.” “I don’t care.” I started walking anyway. You grabbed my hand, and I shook it off. I was already angry, but I don’t remember why, not anymore. You grabbed my hand harder, and I pulled away with more force. “That’s enough!” you shouted. You took my arm and dragged, too strong for me to pull away. I tried to shake you off and fell, and you kept dragging. Rusty, iron-orange dust coated me, and I screamed and thrashed. I was having a tantrum all of a sudden, and you were pulling me back to the buckets, hand on my wrist like metal. I don’t know how long this went on. I was stubborn, stupid stubborn, maybe even stubborn enough to try again, once or four times, but it ended with me sitting in the - 29 - Insomniatic brambles and holding back tears, hands clenched around thorns to feel something, anything.