SI New Nov Dec pages_SI new design masters 9/24/10 2:28 PM Page 18 [ INVESTIGATIVE FILES J OE NI CK E L L Joe Nickell, PhD, is CSI’s senior research fellow and author of such books as Inquest on the Shroud of Turin, Relics of the Christ, and Looking for a Miracle. The True Cross: Chaucer, Calvin, and the Relic Mongers lthough there is little justifica- which according to legend was discov- That ‘Greed is at the root of all evil.’” tion in either the Old or the ered in the fourth century by St. He- But the Pardoner is merely a hypocrite. A New Testament to support what lena. First, he displays his letters of approval would become a cult of relics in early Chaucer’s ‘Pardoner’s Tale’ signed by the Pope. Then he brings out Christianity, such a practice did de- his reliquaries, with bits of cloth and The Canterbury Tales (ca. 1386 –1400) is velop. The earliest veneration of Chris- other alleged relics, including the CE Geoffrey Chaucer’s fictional classic tian relics can be traced to about 156 shoulder bone of a sheep, and declares: when Polycarp, the bishop of Smyrna, compilation of stories told by traveling was martyred and his burned remains pilgrims, including the host of the “If when this bone be washed in any well, were gathered for veneration. In time, Tabard Inn in Southwark, England, If cow, or calf, or sheep, or ox the distribution and veneration of pack- from whence said Pilgrims set out, should swell ets of dust and tiny fragments of bone wending their way to Canterbury From eaten worm, or by a snake’s or cloth, and the like—associated with Cathedral. “The Pardoner’s Tale” sati- been stung, rizes phony relics in a classic of skepti- Take water of that well and wash its martyrs and saints—became common. tongue, At about CE 400, St. Augustine de- cism worthy of a brief retrospective And it is healed forthwith; and fur- plored the excesses and outright fraud here. The Pardoner—one who sells the thermore, of the relic business, disparaging “hyp- church’s forgiveness of sins—is a pre- Of poxes and of scabs and every ocrites in the garb of monks for hawk- tentious fellow, as hinted in the opening sore lines (in quaint Middle English): Shall every sheep be healed, that of ing about the limbs of martyrs,” adding this well skeptically, “if indeed of martyrs” (En- ‘Lordynges,’ quod he, in chirches Drinks a draft; take heed of what I cyclopedia Britannica 1978, s.v. “Relics”). whan I preche, tell.” Among other, later, critics was Geof - I peyne me to han an hauteyn speche, He adds that the relic-treated water frey Chaucer (ca. 1340–1400), whose And rynge it out as round as gooth will cause farm animals to multiply and great unfinished work The Canterbury a belle, will put an end to all human jealousy, Tales contains a satirical attack on relic For I kan al by rote that I telle. including distrust of a wife’s faithful- My theme is alwey oon, and ever mongering. An even more scathing con - ness—even if she has lain with two or demnation comes from John Calvin was— “Radix malorum est cupiditas.” three priests! Of another ruse, he ad- (1509–1564), the Protestant reformer, mits, whose Treatise on Relics is a surprisingly That is, as I translate it (and all that modern look at the Roman Catholic follows) into modern English: “By this trick I’ve won, year by year, A hundred marks since I was Par- Church’s veneration of relics. Both “My Lords,” said he, “in churches doner. Chaucer and Calvin weighed in on when I preach, I stand as if a cleric in my pulpit, those most quintessentially Christian I do take pains to have a haughty And when the common people relics, fragments of the reputed Holy speech, down do sit, And ring it out as roundly as a bell, I preach, so as you’ve heard me say Cross itself. Here is a summary of their For I know by rote all that I tell. before, views, supplemented by my own inves- My theme’s to be the same and al- And even tell a hundred falsehoods tigations and research on the cross, ways will more.” 18 Volume 34 Issue 6 | Skeptical Inquirer SI New Nov Dec pages_SI new design masters 9/24/10 2:28 PM Page 19 Acknowledging his hypocrisy, he states: Chris tian and a man of seeming in- ferred to Turin until 1578 [Nickell 2009, “Thus can I preach against the self- tegrity, suggests that Chaucer accepts 40]). same vice the relic allegedly found by St. Helena Calvin had much to say about the Which I do use, and that is avarice. as authentic. Never theless, if he does not pieces of the alleged True Cross—the lo- But, though I too am guilty of that condemn all relics outright, Chaucer cation of which was supposed to have sin, does identify and disparage fraudulent been miraculously revealed to St. Helena Yet can I make other folk to turn CE From avarice, and hurry to repent. relic practices. At the time when he was in 326. Calvin suggested that “if we But that is not my principal intent.” writing, this was a bold stance for a writer were to collect all these pieces of the to take. Reformist John Calvin, however, True Cross exhibited in various parts, The Pardoner then goes on to tell his writing a century and a half later, took they would form a whole ship’s cargo.” tale. (It features three young rogues the matter several steps further. He also said that there were more relics who set out on a drunken quest to slay of it “than three hundred men could evil Death. An old man directs them to a spot where they instead discover a treasure of gold coins. Unfortunately they end up killing each other out of avarice and so indeed find death.) Finished with his morality tale, the Pardoner makes a direct pitch to his host, who rails against the fraudulent relics while indicating his own belief in the relic of the True Cross. The Par- doner begins the exchange: “Come forth, sir host, and offer first then, And you shall kiss the relics every one, Yes, for fourpence! Unbuckle now your purse.” “Nay, nay,” said he, “then I’d have Christ’s curse! It shall not be, however you beseech me. You would have me kiss your old breeches, And swear they were a relic of a saint, Although they’re stained with your own fundament! But by the cross which Saint He- Figure 1. The Titulus Crucis, allegedly the placard on Jesus’s cross as mentioned in the gospels, has now been lena found, radiocarbon tested. (Drawing by Joe Nickell) I’d like to have your bollocks in my hand Calvin on Relics Instead of relics or reliquarium; carry!” adding: “As an explanation of this, Let’s cut them off, I’ll help to carry John Calvin’s condemnation of relics is [the relic mongers] have invented the them; sweeping. In his Treatise on Relics (1543), tale, that whatever quantity of wood may They shall be enshrined within a he observes that “the desire for relics is be cut off this true cross, its size never hog’s turd.” never without superstition, and what is decreases. This is, however, such a This pardoner answered not a worse, it is usually the parent of idolatry” clumsy and silly imposture, that the word. (Calvin 1543, 218). He is unrelenting in most superstitious may see through it” (The Knight helps make peace be- his withering look at relics—from the (233). tween the two men, whereupon the pil- reputed Holy Blood, “exhibited in more Calvin specifically refers to the al- grims “rode forth on their way.”) than a hundred places” (226), to the leged fragment known as the Titulus Now, Chaucer’s own view of the many bogus Holy Shrouds (including Crucis (cross title board). Bearing the in- True Cross is unstated, but having it en- to day’s controversial one, which was kept scription “This is the King of the Jews,” dorsed by his central character, a good at Nice in Calvin’s time; it wasn’t trans- the Titulus—with text in Greek, Latin, Skeptical Inquirer | November/ December 2010 19 SI New Nov Dec pages_SI new design masters 9/24/10 2:28 PM Page 20 cast doubt on the inscription. Another doubtful feature is the letters having not just been painted but first incised into the wood—a seemingly gratuitous en - hance ment—whereas one would in- stead expect a hastily prepared placard in tended to be used quickly and then discarded. Indeed, such suspicions are con- firmed via radiocarbon dating. A sample of the walnut wood ( Juglans regia) was taken from the back of the slab, cleaned to remove any contamination, and then subjected to the carbon-dating process. Control samples of varying ages were also included to confirm the accuracy of the process. The tests on the Titulus re- vealed that it was made between CE 980 and 1146 (Bells and Azzi 2002)—a date range incompatible with its alleged first- century origin, but consistent with the period (1144–1145) when the artifact was apparently acquired (Nickell 2007, 86–90). The Fragments Over the years I have encountered pieces of the alleged True Cross (figure 2), to - gether with the pious legends of their ac- quisition.