EDITORA UNIPRO EDITORA UNIPRO EDITORA UNIPRO Copyright © 2019 by Renato & Cristiane Cardoso No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means. Transgressors will be prosecuted according to the law. Scripture taken from the Modern English Version. Copyright © 2014 by Military Bible Association. Used by permission. All rights reserved. General Coordination Renato Cardoso General Director Marcos Xavier Managing Editor Marla Dedone Translation & Proofreading Sandra Gouvêa & Evelyn Higginbotham Art Director Paulo Junior Layout Duda Steola EDITORA D578n Cardoso, Renato, 1972- Bulletproof Dating: Shield your relationship against heartbreak / Renato Cardoso and Cristiane Cardoso – 1st edition – São Paulo : Unipro Editora, 2019. 320 pp. ISBN 978-85-7140-779-4 1. Dating.UNIPRO 2. Relationships. I. Cardoso, Cristiane. II. Title CDD: 306.7 CDU: 392.4 Rua João Boemer, 296 — Brás CEP: 03018-000 — São Paulo — SP Tel.: (11) 5555-1380 www.unipro.com.br Contents Our most painful moment in the office ...............................................................7 PART 1 DEFINING dating Chapter 1: What is dating? ...................................................................... 13 Chapter 2: What is bulletproof dating? .................................................. 27 PART 2 BEFORE dating Chapter 3: How do you know whether or not you’re ready to date? ....... 45 Chapter 4: The third love in your life ...................................................... 61 Chapter 5: How do you value yourself? .................................................. 75 Chapter 6: Dating after divorce, widowhood, or a long-term relationship ....81 Chapter 7: Almost there .......................................................................... 91 PART 3 FINDING and BIENG FOUND by “the one” Chapter 8: The myth of the right person ..............................................101 Chapter 9: 27 myths that keep you from being happy in love ............115 Chapter 10: Creating your personal marketing....................................127 Chapter 11: How and where to find aEDITORA partner ......................................139 Chapter 12: Easy or difficult ..................................................................151 Chapter 13: Gathering data ...................................................................165 PART 4 BEFORE and DURING dating Chapter 14: The first contact .................................................................183 Chapter 15: Parents and the family ......................................................203 Chapter 16: What are the ins and outs of dating? ...............................215 Chapter 17: What to observe in a person .............................................227 Chapter 18: Sex and dating ...................................................................243 Chapter 19:UNIPRO The live-in boyfriend ......................................................... 259 PART 5 AFTER dating Chapter 20: Get engaged or end it ........................................................ 275 Chapter 21: Marriage or a fresh start? ................................................. 291 What do you do now? .....................................................................................301 Questions & Answers ....................................................................................303 APPENDIX 1: The traits of good character ................................................ 305 APPENDIX 2: References and citations ..................................................... 309 EDITORA UNIPRO Our most painful moment in the office CRISTIANE AND I HAVE LOST COUNT of how many times, during marriage counseling sessions we thought, “These two should never have gotten married.” It’s hard to watch two people torment each other who should never have been together in the first place. It’s even harder for them to try making a marriage that should never have happened work. Most divorces start during courtship. Either a couple doesn’t see the signs, or they do and choose to ignore them. They say that love is blind. In a way, it’s true. People fall in love and they dream of a perfect marriage like on TV, where the house is always tidy, the wife wakes up with makeup intact and the husband’s hair is perfectly combed, and where romance and money never end. While they’re daydreaming, they can’t see the obvious forecast of nightmares with scattered crises once the honeymoon is over. The excitement of dating, the prospect of finally ending the loneliness, of getting married, and proving to Aunt Gertrude that they’re not going to end up like her after all carriesEDITORA more weight than the concern of getting to know their partner well. Once blindness sets in, mistakes are guaranteed to happen, and short of a miracle, divorce is just a matter of time. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Most divorces start during courtship because they believe in the idea that “love is blind.” It isn’t. True love is not blind. True love is intelligent and can see sharper than an eagle. This book will be the eyes of your love, the lenses that will give you an accurate view to identify potential problems early on in a relationship; UNIPROto know when a person isn’t right for you; and also to identify what might be making you a person that no one wants to marry. You’ll also learn how to strengthen your sense of self-worth, how you deserve to be treated in a relationship, and how to treat the person you’re with. THE GOGGLES You probably remember some superhero of your childhood who wore “super goggles” that gave him “super vision.” Well, this book is going to be your “super goggles,” to help you see things that most people don't see in their relationships. Imagine being able to see all the mistakes that will create unhappiness — as well as being able to see the successes that create happiness — before they even happen. If you’re humble enough to learn and decide to practice what we’re presenting here, you will have that kind of vision. Intelligent love requires learning everything we can to do what’s right. There’s no need to make mistakes when so many examples of what not to do are already out there. When it comes to relationship mistakes, there are plenty of opportunities to learn from what others did wrong thanks to widespread ignorance. It’s not that we enjoy other people’s misery, but why not use it to learn from and avoid making the same mistakes? Whoever learns from their own mistakes is smart. Whoever learns from the mistakes of others is wise. Unfortunately, our human tendency is to be smart, not wise. There are more people who are ignoring the lessons around them than those who are learning from them. There are young people who like to tell their elders, “I have the right to make mistakes! Just let me make my own mistakes and learn for myself…” Imagine how many opportunities you have to be wise and ahead of the rest, if you’d just take them… Do you know the definitions of stupid, smart, and wise? Let’s see: Stupid: A person who feels they need to make their own mistakes. “Leave me alone! I want to do things EDITORAmy way!” Smart: A stupid person who eventually graduates from the school of life and learns from their own mistakes. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve learned my lesson.” Wise: A person who carefully watches both the stupid and the smart ruin their lives, and then learns what to do and what not to do. “Thanks for teaching me.” Unfortunately, there are many people out there doing stupid things in love. After makingUNIPRO so many mistakes, some of them, not all, eventually learn their lesson and manage to be happy in love later in life. But you who read this book will have the wisdom to avoid making mistakes to get it right from the start. And even if you’re in a troubled relationship or getting over a break-up, welcome to school to finally learn and stop making any more mistakes. Envy is wrong. Longing for someone else’s material possessions, or for a person who’s already committed to someone else, won’t do you any good. But desiring to have someone else’s virtues isn’t wrong at all. It’s necessary. Since human beings learn by imitation, we should be inspired by other people’s good qualities and strive to imitate them. 8 BULLETPROOF DATING When you see someone who’s got what you want, who’s found the “right” person and fulfilled their dream, find out what he or she did to attain it. You may find out that this person, who may not seem like anyone special or better than you, actually has character traits that you should emulate. Maybe she’s always been very picky and avoided dating just anyone. Maybe she attracts positive attention because she’s really friendly and generous, and people like being around her. Maybe he has a level of maturity that’s higher than the average guy his age. Maybe he invests in developing his mind and intellect, which in turn gives him self-assurance so that his girlfriend feels secure in the relationship. Maybe you could do these types of things as well, as you focus on improving yourself as a person. So, don’t expect this book to make you change. The book by itself can do absolutely nothing. Leave it by your bedside at night, and it’ll be in the exact same place in the morning. You could even keep it as a no-fuss pet, since it doesn’t eat or need walks. You’re the one who has to do something, not the book. If you apply the ideas contained in this book, you’ll learn how to prepare yourself before dating, how to attract someone interesting, how to choose the right person to date, how to behave during courtship, and how to be sure that he or she is the right one to marry, or whether they should be relegated to the it-was-good-while-it-lasted list. It’s relatively easy to find someone these days, but not someone special. And keeping a steady relationship going isEDITORA even more difficult. This challenge is one of the main reasons for this book. WHO IS THIS BOOK FOR? First, let’s make it clear who this book ISN’T for. There are three groups: 1. Those who don’t want a serious commitment now and are just trying to toy with other people’s hearts, as well as their own.