University of Central Florida STARS Electronic Theses and Dissertations, 2020- 2020 Taking Inventory Constance Owens University of Central Florida Part of the Nonfiction Commons Find similar works at: https://stars.library.ucf.edu/etd2020 University of Central Florida Libraries http://library.ucf.edu This Masters Thesis (Open Access) is brought to you for free and open access by STARS. It has been accepted for inclusion in Electronic Theses and Dissertations, 2020- by an authorized administrator of STARS. For more information, please contact [email protected]. STARS Citation Owens, Constance, "Taking Inventory" (2020). Electronic Theses and Dissertations, 2020-. 393. https://stars.library.ucf.edu/etd2020/393 TAKING INVENTORY by CONSTANCE CAMILLE OWENS B.A. University of Central Florida, 2017 A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing in the Department of English in the College of Arts and Humanities at the University of Central Florida Orlando, Florida Fall Term 2020 Major Professor: Rochelle Hurt ABSTRACT Taking Inventory is a biography about my mother, whose life spanned decades filled with hope, heartbreak, loneliness, and adversity. Weaving together micro-essay and prose poetry set at the merger of her adulthood and my childhood, this mixed genre collection examines the many ways her life influenced mine. The triptych structure of the book moves backwards in time, exploring the relationship between my mother and the world she navigated, beginning with the final stages of her life, moving through a turbulent mid-life, and ending with the young woman affected by a world war, an alcoholic father, and a devoutly religious mother. In the essay “Late Night Ap·o·lo·gi·a,” regret and justification are intertwined to explore an imagined confessional, while another key piece, “A Daughter’s Nondisclosure Agreement,” allows my teenage persona to put my mother’s indiscretions on full display. “When I Kissed Her Today, She Smelled Like Coconut” and “I Was Someone’s Daughter Once” highlight the redemptive qualities that created the foundation of the mother-daughter alliance that is evident in “Ice Cream.” “Bumper-to- Bumper Bravado” and “whiteboard reality” relate the struggles of navigating the final stages of her life. At some point, you realize your mother is not who you thought she was, but someone separate from what you made her out to be. My mother didn’t have the solutions, nor the answers to her problems—or her daughter’s. In many ways, Taking Inventory stands in judgement regarding the why, how, and what if in her role both as a mother and as a woman. It’s full of questions about motherhood, womanhood, and daughterhood—and ultimately about forgiveness. ii every time I say “I,” it refers to you ~ Louise Glück iii TABLE OF CONTENTS Notes on Aging ............................................................................................................................... 1 I. INDEPENDENT WALKER ...................................................................................................... 5 Post-Game Interview ...................................................................................................................... 6 I Was Someone’s Daughter Once— ............................................................................................... 7 Maybe There is Life on the Other Side of Death .......................................................................... 11 Carmex in the Casket .................................................................................................................... 12 Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 13 Death is An Orphan Factory ......................................................................................................... 14 Keeping Score ............................................................................................................................... 17 I’ve Got It Covered, Thanks Though ............................................................................................ 18 Ice Cream ...................................................................................................................................... 19 Roller Coaster Ride ....................................................................................................................... 22 Inheritance..................................................................................................................................... 24 One-Woman Dance Party in the Middle of Nowhere ................................................................... 26 Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 29 Domino Effect ............................................................................................................................... 30 Ode to Carmex .............................................................................................................................. 32 Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 33 How many minutes have I left, to still be beautiful? .................................................................... 35 iv whiteboard reality ......................................................................................................................... 37 Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 40 A Bad Habit She Thought Had Gone Unnoticed .......................................................................... 41 Independent Walker ...................................................................................................................... 42 Bumper-to-Bumper Bravado ........................................................................................................ 44 Pondering the Relationship Between History and the Individual ................................................. 46 A Daughter’s Nondisclosure Agreement ...................................................................................... 47 Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 49 I’ll Keep My Fingers & Toes Crossed for You ............................................................................ 50 It’s a Shame, So Many Opportunities Squandered ....................................................................... 51 Something We Can All Count On ................................................................................................ 52 Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 54 Road Map ...................................................................................................................................... 55 Like Mother, Like Daughter ......................................................................................................... 56 Mother Map .................................................................................................................................. 58 II. REEXAMINE EVERYTHING YOU’VE BEEN TOLD ....................................................... 63 Late Night Ap·o·lo·gi·a ................................................................................................................ 64 It Left Me in a Bit of a Free Fall [A Caesura Monologue] ........................................................... 67 Perspective on a Fading Romance ................................................................................................ 69 I’ll Take It ..................................................................................................................................... 71 v Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 73 Mourning the Loss of What Could Have Been ............................................................................. 74 Self-Satisfied Silence .................................................................................................................... 78 Mother Map .................................................................................................................................. 79 Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 80 Inheritance..................................................................................................................................... 81 Portrait of a Disaster in Progress .................................................................................................. 83 Pruning .......................................................................................................................................... 84 What Do You Say? ....................................................................................................................... 85 Taking Inventory ........................................................................................................................... 87 Who Doubts Its Authenticity? .....................................................................................................