WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS Ronald M. Supancic With Dennis L. Baker Fleming H. Revell Company Old Tappan, New Jersey Scripture quotations in this volume are based on the King James Version of the Bible. Summary of Child Custody Laws is used by permission of the American Journal of Family Therapy. Scripture quotation identified NIV is taken from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright © 1973, 1978 by the International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Date Supancic, Ronald Melin. When all else fails. 1. Divorce-United States. 2. Separation (Psychology) 3. Divorce-Law and legislation- United States. I. Baker, Dennis L. II. Title HQ814.S85 1986 306.8’9 86-449 ISBN 0-8007-1474-1 Copyright © 1986 Fleming H. Revell Company Old Tappan, New Jersey 07675 All Rights Reserved Printed in the United States of America - 2 - THIS book is dedicated to all Children of Divorce - 3 - - 4 - Contents Introduction by Dr. Thomas Needham 7 One Does Divorce Help? 12 Two Can Counseling Help? 23 Three Children in Divorce 34 Four Do You Need a Lawyer? 46 Five Yours, Mine, Ours: Finding Out What There Is to Divide 61 Six Nonadversarial Alternatives 70 Seven Try to Stay Out of Court! 80 Eight The Pitfalls of Property 93 Nine Who Gets Custody? 102 Ten Who Pays for It All? 111 Eleven But We Just Can’t Settle! 116 Twelve The Divorce After the Divorce 122 - 5 - Contents Thirteen Parenting After the Divorce 136 Fourteen Recognizing Your Relationship 148 Fifteen The Care and Feeding of the Children of Divorce 155 Sixteen Parting Advice 162 Appendix A Deposition Admonition 165 Summary of Child Custody Laws 168 Glossary 170 - 6 - INTRODUCTION But this is a people plundered and looted, all of them trapped in pits or hidden in prisons. They have become plunder, with no one to rescue them; they have been made loot, with no one to say, “Send them back.” Which of you will listen to this or pay close attention in time to come? Isaiah 42:22. 23 NIV When All Else Fails is unique in its attentive approach to the complex legal- moral-psychological issues confronting divorcing couples. As a marital and family therapist, and as the director of the graduate program in theological ethics and family therapy, I am particularly pleased to see Ron Supancic focus on five key issues. In the first place, Ron has made his religious faith a major source of his professional identity and judgment. Therefore, when a troubled individual seeks his legal counsel, Ron helps him or her find the best possible solution. This often means turning away a potential source of income. Sometimes he says, “I would recommend marital therapy for you rather than a divorce.” Other times he says, “Let’s wait on the divorce while you sort out the best decision with your pastor or a therapist. Meanwhile, I’ll help you take appropriate legal action to protect yourself.” To me, as a colleague confronting divorce, he spoke out: “Thom, you’re making the mistake of your life. Your wife is not your problem. You are your problem?” In like - 7 - manner, many who read this volume will be challenged to decide whether their potential divorce is really freedom or further bondage. Second, Ron is prepared in both heart and mind. He strives for excellence in professional competence, having graduated from USC Law School a leader of his class. He has even gone the extra mile in additional schooling and licensing to become a certified specialist. However, as important as these achievements are, Ron also places an equal emphasis on matters of the heart. His heart was schooled as a child in a divorced home where he experienced the confusion, hurt, anger and loneliness of broken relationships. These kinds of difficult and lingering experiences were later combined with the painful experience of seeing hundreds of hurting individuals, marriages, and families. Sensitive professionals must respond to such a display of human need. Several years ago Ron expressed to me his desire to increase his supportiveness to divorcing, emotionally torn individuals and families. While he was already empathetic to individual needs, he was compelled to be of ever-increasing support. Now, this book is evidence of an important and concrete culmination of that desire. Third, in his law practice, as well as in this book, Ron pays attention to the fact that divorce can become complicated, involving many professionals. In When All Else Fails, the reader catches a realistic glimpse of what really happens in child custody disputes. To have been forewarned by this glimpse is to have been forearmed, both psychologically and legally. The author shows the reader how such legal processed can involve interviews and reports from any varied combination of therapists, doctors, psychological evaluators, social workers, accountants, or family members. These sensitive and informative guidelines should prove quite helpful. Fourth, an important set of issues to which Ron gives attention are the spiritual and emotional ones. Many clients want to proceed with divorce in a manner that could prove, in the long run, to be detrimental to their children. Some individuals, guilt-ridden, timid, or lacking assertiveness, are overly eager to make concessions on important issues such as child support. They want out of the marriage quickly and “peacefully.” Some individuals are in deep despair and fee; guilty and alienated by their churches and Christian friends because they were unable to have successful marriages. Whatever the conflict, it is at these crisis points that When All Else Fails can help divorcing couples see their need to clarify, and follow, what is often a very difficult but nonetheless necessary course of action. Throughout the book, Ron suggests that religious counseling or marital and family therapy may be needed to assist one in following this chosen course. Finally, I’d like to point out that Ronald Supancic has maintained a delicate balance between a sacred commitment to the bonds of marriage and - 8 - the practical necessity to help some people confront the tragic reality that their marriages cannot survive. He has done this through challenging some individuals to consider that divorce is not the right solution to their problems, while providing others with the necessary tools for a divorce – tools, I would hasten to say, that can minimize the extent of emotional and economic structure of the divorced family. I am pleased this book has been written and I believe it will be very helpful to people who find themselves or their loved ones caught in a divorce. Thomas L. Needham, Ed.D. Marital & Family Therapist Program Director of Theological Ethics & Psychotherapy Azusa Pacific University Center, Encino, CA - 9 - - 10 - WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS - 11 - ONE Does Divorce Help? I’m a lawyer who specializes in divorce. But I am also a lawyer who hates divorce! In my business, I meet a lot of people who are not happy. They come to me because they believe divorce is the solution for their unhappiness. As I listen to them explain their situations and particular needs, I often wish I had more time to tell then some of the things I have seen over the years. But usually that isn’t very practical. So, I’ve decided to write this book. I hope, if you’re reading this and you are on the verge of or in the midst of a divorce, this information will help you. - 12 - Two kinds of people get divorced: those who want to, and those who don’t want to. It used to be that the wanters had it tougher than the nonwanters. In the old days, if Mary wanted to divorce Bill, she’d have to prove to a judge that Bill was a bad person, guilty of conduct which she considered “grounds: for divorce. But that was a long time ago and, even before the advent of “no fault: divorce laws, divorces were reasonably accessible to anybody who really wanted one. If you want a divorce today and you live in a no-fault divorce state, you can get it pretty much for the asking. That, needless to say, can create problems. I remember the dismay I felt one day when, as a young lawyer, I was interviewing Bruce. Bruce was in his early fifties and wanted to divorce his third wife. As were completing his questionnaire, Bruce started reminiscing about his first wife, Betty. “I left her after we’d been married eighteen years. Claire was my secretary. She was young and sexy. Betty was almost forty. The marriage to Claire lasted two years. She turned out to be a real nasty one. I was lucky to get rid of her before she hurt me any more than she did. Then came Charlotte. We’ve lasted five years but, as you can see, it’s come to the same thing.” “Betty was the only good one among them,” he sighed. “She’s the best friend I have today! She’s always been a fine mother to our children.” He paused and chuckled quietly,” Today I couldn’t tell you why I left her – guess I was just bored and stupid. But I made a mistake by doing it.” I could hardly believe my ears. He was the first but no the last client I’ve had who has expressed this same sentiment. Since then I’ve met a lot of men like Bruce. They’re pushing forty and have hit their stride professionally. That alone is pretty heady, but when success is accompanied by the admiration of women younger and shapelier than their wives, clear thought collapses altogether and gives way to pure fantasy.